Mother didn't want to get me headphones for my stereo because she was afraid I'd never come out.

The absolute hardest thing about not having a chance to become a parent was that I had really been looking forward to having a parental relationship with my children. I have some friends who had similar upbringings and they're phenomenal parents and are relishing creating their own little family. It's been hard. And I am sick of people just piping up with "adopt!" to me. Like a kid is something I can just to the store to buy.

And about cold drinks: every time I go to Texas or Nebraska to visit family, I treat myself to a peanut butter shake at Culver's. Oh my *gawd* it's spectacular!

I was always afraid I'd be a parent like my parents. I come from a long line of crazy, and I thought it better to end the chain.

I thought that for a long, time, too, Ginger. It was what kept me from actively seeking marriage/kids in my 20s. And then when my 30s shaped up to be pretty swell, I started changing my attitude about my abilities.

And I am sick of people just piping up with "adopt!" to me. Like a kid is something I can just to the store to buy.

You can't decide you want a biological child one day and have it the next either. You could start the process of adopting if you're serious about parenting, though -- there are plenty of kids in this country alone who need a loving mom.

I come from a long line of crazy, and I thought it better to end the chain.

My godfather is of this very same opinion; I've always deeply admired him for it. Another story that deserves telling, but not here and not now.

Instead I will say: Ginger, your kindness and empathy have been an inspiration for the way I try to treat my friends and chosen family since my very early days with the Buffistas. Thank you.

Still finding it incredibly difficult, decades later, to express the anger I have towards my parents, even alone with my analyst. It’s THE issue that’s holding me back in therapy.

Oh, Tom. I hope you will be able to let yourself be angry. This was such a huge thing for me. For most of my life, I couldn't express any anger toward my family without immediately "taking it back", excusing them with an explanation of their actions and understanding how *they* felt. It was so hard to just to say how I felt and not defend them from my awful, mean, disrespectful feelings. I was never allowed to express any feeling that might have upset someone. I would get scolded for my facial expressions, never mind my words and actions! I remember looking at the devastation the tornado had left of our home, and getting screamed at because my crying was upsetting my mother. I can't even imagine telling my mom, or anyone, that I hated them. I sure wouldn't have gotten a dang cake if I did.

To this day I get extremely uncomfortable just being around an angry person (even if they're not angry at me).

Christ, yes, me too. That's a gift from my father. Or my "father" as I prefer to refer to him these days.

I'm not very good at "but they're family" thing.

Me either. Hell with that. I've got too many relatives, including my father, who were just awful, not only to me, and my guilt response wasn't aimed at them, so I had zero problems cutting them out of my life.

I was thinking about this more... I've always thought that it was just my sister who had to parent while I hid, but I'm realizing that, especially after she left (she left for college when I was 4), I was always "caretaking", not physically like she did, but emotionally. I was taking care of my mother's and my grandmother's emotions, trying never to upset them, by being as silent and invisible and "good" as I could be, because my mother was so fragile and tired and couldn't manage her own grief, much less mine, and my grandmother was just so angry and cruel. Managing them was exhausting.

Maybe I read less now than when I was a kid because there's nothing I need to escape from now.

I externalized it as some kind of wackassed sacred duty that I had to OMG protect Dad from any further emotional stresses.

This is exactly what both my sister and I did with our mom.

Karl, it's good to see your pixels. I hope you're doing all right.

Listening, especially easy listening, is such an important part of being a parent.

BAHAHA. The ones that take a second to get are the best.

Listening, especially easy listening, is such an important part of being a parent.

Yeah, I was reading/posting from iPhone on that or I would have COMMed it immediately. Best thing I've read all day, so thanks for that, BT!

I feel like I'm not allowed to have any non-pre-approved feeling, actually.

OMG. THIS. So much this and then more this. In one of my sessions with my therapist, after she watched me have a memory-induced panic attack in her office, I talked about how I was able to forgive my dad for his part in an incident because of his family history, but that I still have a hard time forgiving my mom. She looked at me and asked, "Who the hell said you have to forgive them for anything?" I replied, and ISTG that my voice changed to that of a 6 year old, "My mom said I did." Therapist looked at me and said, "You don't have to forgive anything or anyone for doing something to you. You can deal with what happened and not hold it against them, but you don't have to forgive them." I was gobsmacked. I just stared at her, thinking, "I have to forgive my mom. Mom said I did. She said so."

but it was and still is incredibly hard for me to look at anything my parents did as wrong (even unintentionally) because my mom was SICK. And you don't blame sick people.

Also, this is me. My mom wasn't physically ill, but she was mentally ill for decades before getting a right diagnosis and treatment. I wasn't allowed to be angry at her or think what she did to me was wrong because she was SICK. She couldn't help it. I hated my mom a lot as a kid. I spent a lot of my time walking on eggshells and trying not to set her off.

And I have those dreams Scrappy does. All of it. It's amazing the anger that is squashed into my brain.