As awful as it sounds, sj, as long as you're going to answer the phone completely on her terms, she's going to call completely on her terms. Can you email with her and try and establish a relationship with a little more back and forth possibly?

Grieving is such a singular thing; nobody does it the same, there is no map, there just is.

There isn't. And it's not a linear path. My thoughts are with you, Maria.

And I'd also suggest a result (I was going to say consequence but I don't mean it like you think she's a naughty child) for what happens if she breaks her promise so that she knows you're taking it seriously. I mean, if she promises to call, or else...you'll be worried? Well, that's probably either what she wants or she's blind to it. But if she promises to call and if you don't hear from her, you'll contact someone in her physical space to check on her and if they can't get her you'll call for mental health help, then that's a plan.

I'm not saying that's the right plan, or that you should threaten her, just that both you and she should know what the framework for things is.

The SO & I have plans like that for when he's out winter camping. I will expect to hear from you by 0:00, and if there's some reason you can't reach me, I will try these other ways, and if that doesn't work, I will start driving in your direction, where I expect you will have left your itinerary with the park ranger. Earlier in our relationship it was just, I will hope you call me and if you don't I will sit at home panicking. Stuff like that is put into place for safety, not because we don't trust each other.

I definitely think you can set boundaries for when you deal with her. I do that with my students all the time, and some of them are suicide risk. But I will be of more help to them if I am stable myself, so sometimes I have "man, I just can't take that text right now" days. And I get back with them as soon as I can. Sometimes it turns out it was time sensitive, and sometimes it was fine. But I set my boundaries and I live with it. And it's better for the both of us in the long run.

Can you email with her and try and establish a relationship with a little more back and forth possibly?

I've tried e-mailing her in the past. It was mostly one sided on my part. I don't know how to make the friendship more back and forth, but I'd welcome any advice. It is times like this when I especially miss our friend P, who sort of fell out of our lives a while ago, because she was another person who knows T and I well, and might have a clue about how to deal with this. Neither T and I have any idea how to contact her or even know where she is living right now. All attempts to find her on the internet have also failed. I'm rambling on about this to try to convince myself to not spend several hours again tonight trying to find some trace of her. Sorry for all the brain dumping tonight.

Oh sj. So patient, far moreso than I. But you have to take care of you, too. So, you know, do that.

bonny, I'm sorry I didn't say so out loud, but it's good to see you posting here. You saw my little wave earlier, right? Yeah, that was me. Sorry for not actually saying hi. So rude.

The dread closet purge and redo looms. I'm trying to stave it off till next week, but I'm running out of stall tactics.

I seem to be missing posts. Laura, what you said was so apt and considered, all I can do is nod.

Thanks, Liese. I am tempted to call her sister and let her know that I'm worried, but I'm pretty sure that would mean T never talking to me again. I just texted T with a very casual message asking how she is but no response.

I am tempted to call her sister and let her know that I'm worried, but I'm pretty sure that would mean T never talking to me again.

She'd never talk to you again if you let her sister know you're honestly worried about her? Maybe I'm a bad person, but... that might be the preferable outcome. Sounds like she's just using you to vent at and doesn't think about you much otherwise. How much do you need/want this person in your life? Or, you know, ignore me. I'm probably projecting.

I know it can be hard for people when they're struggling emotionally to keep contact, but that's what the promise, the contract, is for.

And in the end, you're not responsible for her. I know you can be worried, but she is ultimately responsible for herself and for her health. Even if the very worst thing happened, it wouldn't be your fault.

Maybe calling the sister isn't the right course of action this time, but next time you could discuss it with her as an option, so she knows you may need to go there. It might then still have negative ramifications on the relationship, but it would be ones that she knew were possible going in.

'Cause there will be a next time. You've established that this is a cycle of behavior with her, and it's one that's clearly deleterious to you. So you need to establish a change, even if it's a difficult road getting there.

She'd never talk to you again if you let her sister know you're honestly worried about her?

If I let her know why and things that were told to me in confidence? Quite possibly.

How much do you need/want this person in your life?

Honestly? I've tried to write her off before, but we have known each other for most of our lives at this point. We're more like sisters than friend, and I'm just not capable of writing her off completely. The other friend, P, that I mentioned above. That friendship also became sort one sided after a while, and T and I both sort of wrote her off, figuring she'd come back around when she wanted to. Only, she never did, and I really regret that decision now.

Breaking a confidence, yeah, that's a pretty friendship breaking move for me.

But I think you are friends to a degree with her sister? Contact her and say you can't get a hold of T, everything is okay, right? But that move only works if you can somewhat casually contact her. Facebook message maybe?

Honestly? I've tried to write her off before, but we have known each other for most of our lives at this point. We're more like sisters than friend, and I'm just not capable of writing her off completely.

Those friendships, even if they fade at times, do tend to bounce back as well. I know she's important to you.

Yeah, that's why the contract upfront. With my kids (obvs a different situation because professional) I tell them there are three reasons I'd be required to break confidentiality: if they tell me they've committed or are going to commit a crime, or if I'm worried about harm to themselves or harm to others. Everything outside of that has to be negotiated. "Okay, you're telling me something now that has me worried. I would like for you to give me permission to discuss this with (specific people) in (specific circumstances). If you're not comfortable with that, you may want to stop telling me right now, or we can work something else out that you'd be comfortable with."

With her, I think the next time you are talking, you might need to set something else like that up. "I know you have been talking to me in confidence, and I want to honor that confidence. But there are some circumstances where I would feel obligated to break that, and here is why." And then bring up what you want to establish for the future. "If I am worried about your safety and cannot get hold of you, here are the steps I would want us both to take."