Can you email with her and try and establish a relationship with a little more back and forth possibly?

I've tried e-mailing her in the past. It was mostly one sided on my part. I don't know how to make the friendship more back and forth, but I'd welcome any advice. It is times like this when I especially miss our friend P, who sort of fell out of our lives a while ago, because she was another person who knows T and I well, and might have a clue about how to deal with this. Neither T and I have any idea how to contact her or even know where she is living right now. All attempts to find her on the internet have also failed. I'm rambling on about this to try to convince myself to not spend several hours again tonight trying to find some trace of her. Sorry for all the brain dumping tonight.

Oh sj. So patient, far moreso than I. But you have to take care of you, too. So, you know, do that.

bonny, I'm sorry I didn't say so out loud, but it's good to see you posting here. You saw my little wave earlier, right? Yeah, that was me. Sorry for not actually saying hi. So rude.

The dread closet purge and redo looms. I'm trying to stave it off till next week, but I'm running out of stall tactics.

I seem to be missing posts. Laura, what you said was so apt and considered, all I can do is nod.

Thanks, Liese. I am tempted to call her sister and let her know that I'm worried, but I'm pretty sure that would mean T never talking to me again. I just texted T with a very casual message asking how she is but no response.

I am tempted to call her sister and let her know that I'm worried, but I'm pretty sure that would mean T never talking to me again.

She'd never talk to you again if you let her sister know you're honestly worried about her? Maybe I'm a bad person, but... that might be the preferable outcome. Sounds like she's just using you to vent at and doesn't think about you much otherwise. How much do you need/want this person in your life? Or, you know, ignore me. I'm probably projecting.

I know it can be hard for people when they're struggling emotionally to keep contact, but that's what the promise, the contract, is for.

And in the end, you're not responsible for her. I know you can be worried, but she is ultimately responsible for herself and for her health. Even if the very worst thing happened, it wouldn't be your fault.

Maybe calling the sister isn't the right course of action this time, but next time you could discuss it with her as an option, so she knows you may need to go there. It might then still have negative ramifications on the relationship, but it would be ones that she knew were possible going in.

'Cause there will be a next time. You've established that this is a cycle of behavior with her, and it's one that's clearly deleterious to you. So you need to establish a change, even if it's a difficult road getting there.

She'd never talk to you again if you let her sister know you're honestly worried about her?

If I let her know why and things that were told to me in confidence? Quite possibly.

How much do you need/want this person in your life?

Honestly? I've tried to write her off before, but we have known each other for most of our lives at this point. We're more like sisters than friend, and I'm just not capable of writing her off completely. The other friend, P, that I mentioned above. That friendship also became sort one sided after a while, and T and I both sort of wrote her off, figuring she'd come back around when she wanted to. Only, she never did, and I really regret that decision now.

Breaking a confidence, yeah, that's a pretty friendship breaking move for me.

But I think you are friends to a degree with her sister? Contact her and say you can't get a hold of T, everything is okay, right? But that move only works if you can somewhat casually contact her. Facebook message maybe?

Honestly? I've tried to write her off before, but we have known each other for most of our lives at this point. We're more like sisters than friend, and I'm just not capable of writing her off completely.

Those friendships, even if they fade at times, do tend to bounce back as well. I know she's important to you.

Yeah, that's why the contract upfront. With my kids (obvs a different situation because professional) I tell them there are three reasons I'd be required to break confidentiality: if they tell me they've committed or are going to commit a crime, or if I'm worried about harm to themselves or harm to others. Everything outside of that has to be negotiated. "Okay, you're telling me something now that has me worried. I would like for you to give me permission to discuss this with (specific people) in (specific circumstances). If you're not comfortable with that, you may want to stop telling me right now, or we can work something else out that you'd be comfortable with."

With her, I think the next time you are talking, you might need to set something else like that up. "I know you have been talking to me in confidence, and I want to honor that confidence. But there are some circumstances where I would feel obligated to break that, and here is why." And then bring up what you want to establish for the future. "If I am worried about your safety and cannot get hold of you, here are the steps I would want us both to take."

Cass, yes I have known her sister most of my life as well, but we're not close. I'll keep contacting her in my back pocket if I have to. T just texted me back tonight, so there's that.

bonny, I'm sorry I didn't say so out loud, but it's good to see you posting here. You saw my little wave earlier, right? Yeah, that was me. Sorry for not actually saying hi. So rude.

Heh. I totally received your wave.

Goodness knows, I've been guilty of saying things outloud, in response to emails or posts, yet never actually typing them so that the intended recipient can, you know, 'hear' me.

I feel well hugged. Seriously.

I'm off to bed...hoping to not spend all night thinking about the doctor visit. Sweet dreams everyone.