Maria, we're here for you. And if you want to email me, please do.

I'm tired of everyone assuming that we had a wonderful relationship, and I'm tired of being alone. Because I was alone long before he died.

My Dad is going through similar things. As much as I love(d) Mom, I now know that she was deeply unhappy, and that spilled over onto Dad. He misses her, and he always will, but he's lighter of spirit now.

He misses her, and he always will, but he's lighter of spirit now.

This. I am finally comfortable in my own skin for the most part, but that relationship did a number on me and I'm having trouble not ascribing his tendencies to other people. Which is not helpful.

{{Maria}}

Steph, much liver~ma for your mom.

I agree that there are many Souths. I'm in a fairly liberal part of NC, but drive 20 minutes out of town and it's a whole different story. (My hometown in MI also had issues, and was arguably more racist than most parts of NC.) It's like I-40 is this artery linking up areas of mild-to-severe liberalism in an otherwise conservative state (voting maps usually reflect this). And there's a lot of NC that isn't near I-40.

Even in one of the more liberal towns (Durham), there were cross-burning problems in 2005. [link]

But Durham also has well attended gay pride parades and a strong African American political leadership. Chapel Hill has an openly gay mayor. [link] Carrboro's anarchists (among others) have brought CVS construction to a standstill downtown, and yarn-bombers roam the public spaces. While the state passed anti-gay legislation, my town voted against it by about 97%.

Steph, I forgot to actually articulate good wishes to your mom, from one iffy liver to another.

Maria, you can email me anytime, and I'll send my phone number if you want it.

The thing I've found is that the details of pre-and post-death management, other people's expectations, and my own disappointments, anger, resentment, build up into this wall, this--impenetrable barrier that's kept me from the good memories I do have, or would have, if I could just reach them. There's no way out but through, and I'm still working on it. It's hard. But if I can be of any help, I'm here.

{{{Maria}}}

The tricky bit for me now is also wanting to avoid wheat, corn, sugar and soy. I think something is going to have to give in that formula.

I know a bunch of gluten-free vegans, and soy and corn aren't that hard to avoid if you cook your own food (but nearly impossible to avoid if you eat a lot of pre-made stuff.)

Oh do I understand, Beverly. I had massive diverse emotions through and after DH's passing. I resented his refusal to sign a DNR, leaving it to me after he lapsed into a coma; I was angry with him for leaving me with an old house with a huge yard in a city I would never have chosen. And so much more. It has been 25 years and I still have the scars. And the bitterness and anger was there despite treasuring him and being madly in love with him.

It is about as emotionally complex as a life experience can be and there is no rhyme or reason or right or wrong with the emotions that hit you at expected and unexpected times and places.

As a completely irrational example, I can see 3 of his siblings with nothing but happy emotions, one of his sisters I can't bear to see because she looked so much like him that I am paralyzed with grief knowing that that was what he would have looked like if he had the option to age. I love her, but just too painful to see her. (no I could never tell her)

{{Maria}} Grieving is such a singular thing; nobody does it the same, there is no map, there just is. (Starting to sound like Yoda, sorry about that.) I'll just wish you strength~ma to weather whatever comes your way.

Went in to work for four hours to start training the student hourly. I planned on staying until 7, but everyone started telling me to go home by 5:30. So now I'm in my jammies watching the A-Team. I doubt I'll make it to my regular bedtime, tonight. I've got to set up a VPN before that, though, so I can work from home tomorrow if I'm still feeling like crap. After that, all bets are off.

but nearly impossible to avoid if you eat a lot of pre-made stuff.)

Right. After seeing Paul Zaloom's performance piece,'Phud'...in which he illustrated the various forms of bovine blood found in the common packaged food ingredient list, including 'natural flavoring'...I know a choice for processed food is generally a choice for something I don't want.

Grieving is such a singular thing; nobody does it the same, there is no map, there just is.

So much this.

bonny, I'm glad to see you back and doing all right.

Maria, I can't add to anything already but echo it. I'm always impressed at how willing you are to engage with what you're feeling. I didn't; I shut down and it took me years to really deal with it and start to move on.

I could never comfortably live in the deep South red states anymore. It's bad enough here in Virginia, though I've found this little mostly-liberal pocket. But I need mountains and forests.