Many hugs to you, Maria. That's such a huge revelation. I hope it is the first step to getting yourself unstuck. We are all here for you.

{{{Maria}}} wise words above. Lean on us...we will be here.

What a convergence of conflicting emotions, Maria, and how tricky to try to explain. The departed always seem to get idealized, and awkward truths get awkward. Here at least the truth can stand as the simple truth.

Oh, Maria, what a hard path you've been on. But you have walked it with a lot of honesty and self-reflection and that does matter.

It doesn't make it easier - it's often harder up front. But I believe it allows you to become unstuck and move onto a different path.

Sorry to go all metaphorical on you. I don't know how else to describe that process of grieving.

We are here though and you are in our hearts.

Precisely, Connie. I cannot say this anywhere else. While I no longer give a flying fuck what his parents think, if this was mentioned on FB, it would get back to them and restart the shitstorm. Nope. Not going there.

I'm tired of hearing how much I must miss him, and how wonderful he was--he was a good person, but no one else saw the Rob I saw. And sure as hell no one else had to deal with the fucking mess he left me. I'm tired of everyone assuming that we had a wonderful relationship, and I'm tired of being alone. Because I was alone long before he died.

And I'm not absolving myself of any fault I bear in how our relationship turned out. He wasn't the devil, just like I wasn't an angel. But it's so damned complicated and I hate how it's sabotaging any movement forward.

I'm tired of hearing how much I must miss him

I was thinking of that exact thing, about other people's expectations of your grief. And how your actual level of grief upsets their romantic notions. This is not an additional level of complication that you should have to deal with.

People have a way of turning people that they know that died into saints. I'm glad you feel you can talk about these things here.

I'm so sorry for the difficulty in moving forward, Maria. Relationships are always complicated, but that much more so when one of the parties dies. Please feel free to email me anytime. I have walked in your shoes and make a very good sounding board.

Oh, Maria - how difficult for you. Nothing you've said makes you (or him) a bad person. It makes complete sense, and I can only imagine how conflicted you must feel about it now that he's gone. Please vent and process any time. We are all here for you.