And I'm not absolving myself of any fault I bear in how our relationship turned out. He wasn't the devil, just like I wasn't an angel. But it's so damned complicated and I hate how it's sabotaging any movement forward.

I'm tired of hearing how much I must miss him

I was thinking of that exact thing, about other people's expectations of your grief. And how your actual level of grief upsets their romantic notions. This is not an additional level of complication that you should have to deal with.

People have a way of turning people that they know that died into saints. I'm glad you feel you can talk about these things here.

I'm so sorry for the difficulty in moving forward, Maria. Relationships are always complicated, but that much more so when one of the parties dies. Please feel free to email me anytime. I have walked in your shoes and make a very good sounding board.

Oh, Maria - how difficult for you. Nothing you've said makes you (or him) a bad person. It makes complete sense, and I can only imagine how conflicted you must feel about it now that he's gone. Please vent and process any time. We are all here for you.

Maria, we're here for you. And if you want to email me, please do.

I'm tired of everyone assuming that we had a wonderful relationship, and I'm tired of being alone. Because I was alone long before he died.

My Dad is going through similar things. As much as I love(d) Mom, I now know that she was deeply unhappy, and that spilled over onto Dad. He misses her, and he always will, but he's lighter of spirit now.

He misses her, and he always will, but he's lighter of spirit now.

This. I am finally comfortable in my own skin for the most part, but that relationship did a number on me and I'm having trouble not ascribing his tendencies to other people. Which is not helpful.

{{Maria}}

Steph, much liver~ma for your mom.

I agree that there are many Souths. I'm in a fairly liberal part of NC, but drive 20 minutes out of town and it's a whole different story. (My hometown in MI also had issues, and was arguably more racist than most parts of NC.) It's like I-40 is this artery linking up areas of mild-to-severe liberalism in an otherwise conservative state (voting maps usually reflect this). And there's a lot of NC that isn't near I-40.

Even in one of the more liberal towns (Durham), there were cross-burning problems in 2005. [link]

But Durham also has well attended gay pride parades and a strong African American political leadership. Chapel Hill has an openly gay mayor. [link] Carrboro's anarchists (among others) have brought CVS construction to a standstill downtown, and yarn-bombers roam the public spaces. While the state passed anti-gay legislation, my town voted against it by about 97%.

Steph, I forgot to actually articulate good wishes to your mom, from one iffy liver to another.

Maria, you can email me anytime, and I'll send my phone number if you want it.

The thing I've found is that the details of pre-and post-death management, other people's expectations, and my own disappointments, anger, resentment, build up into this wall, this--impenetrable barrier that's kept me from the good memories I do have, or would have, if I could just reach them. There's no way out but through, and I'm still working on it. It's hard. But if I can be of any help, I'm here.

{{{Maria}}}

The tricky bit for me now is also wanting to avoid wheat, corn, sugar and soy. I think something is going to have to give in that formula.

I know a bunch of gluten-free vegans, and soy and corn aren't that hard to avoid if you cook your own food (but nearly impossible to avoid if you eat a lot of pre-made stuff.)