I will take a look at the links, thanks Sophia. At this point I think I will try the direct approach. When she let me clean her porch it was after a direct can I do this question. I'm thinking just walking in when she is home (I normally do that), and just waving around the room and asking, Can I help?

I believe it is part being really busy, part physical limitation because she had a knee replacement a while back, part just being overwhelmed since it got so out of hand. She has a buying issue. As in she bought a half dozen fancy dresses for her son's wedding and used one. Still has the others that she will never use. Lots and lots of stuff still with tags, in boxes not even opened from eBay. I have told her (real) tales of friends that made bundles selling stuff on eBay.

It just hurts me that my mother will likely never be able to go into her old house again.

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x-post with o-a. Thank you. Not likely to ever get professional help. This is a very remote mountain area.

With her personality type I think a direct approach is probably best. She obviously knows it is an issue. I'm here. I love her. Use me! She is most likely to give the excuse that only she can go through it, but I can keep her company and shout encouraging words!

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After posting my praise of Feliway, here's a relevant story: I got home from work, cats were acting squirrelley, nipping at each other an being even more underfoot than usual while i prepped their dinner. Then, following a bad smell, I found a pile of poo on my bed. checked the feliway dispenser, and sure enough, it had run out. Fresh refill ahoy! And yes, it was a very unwelcome gift from the cat who is on prozac for his tendency to pee on my bed when he used to get cranky. At least the poo i can flush and then launder, but ugh. I wish there were a magic fix (other than tossing him out the window, of course.)

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part physical limitation because she had a knee replacement a while back, part just being overwhelmed since it got so out of hand

Ah, this was a great piece of info. Yes! Having physical limitations myself, my old old apartment in Long Beach (Before I moved to Texas) was a poor choice on my part, as it was a flight of stairs to throw anything out. So my place got REAL messy with clutter that should have been thrown out, but wasn't worth the effort. Moving to Texas helped me clear out the junk! It took a couple months! Every night, work on a little corner. It wasn't hoarder bad. Just messy/junky/clutter bad. But enough that I didn't invite folks over, because it was emabarrasing.

That sounds like it could very well be the case for your sister. So yes, just going over, and being non-judgemental helping hand. Maybe make a game of it, like a treasure hunt. "What can we find that we can sell on ebay". Maybe have a goal. "Let's see if we have enough to go on a cruise" or some such. Or a couple goals, one very attainable (short vacation), and one outrageous (new car! or something else big ticket she needs). Or heck, a savings account to hire a maid once the place is all cleaned up. With a goal other than just cleaning at hand, it might help push the process.

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Laura, she maybe a hoarder or she may just have let things get to the point where it's too overwhelming to deal with.

Even though she is smart and capable in other areas she still may be a hoarder. I haven't watched the more recent episodes of the show but in several of the earlier Hoarders episodes there were people who had good jobs and were able to handle work and other activities.

I would suggest you watch how she reacts to your suggestion of help. If she does accept it then pay attention to how she's acting during the decluttering/clean out portion. If she can't get rid of things or is reluctant then she might be a hoarder and need help.

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Yes! Good idea Askye!

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omnis I'm sorry this is turning into more of a nightmare. You would think that people would understand having a HOLE in your living room is very inconvenient and needs to get fixed asap.

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So I have my appointment with my shrink today and I'm anxious/worried. Some of it I know is irrational but some of it I think is more rational. Right now I feel like I'm in a big countdown until 5:30 and I'm trying to chase away the thoughts that Dr. W will not change any medicine and say that I'm doing fine and I just need to suck it up and deal. (I know that's irrational but that's what's going through my head).

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Laura, you might want to read Buried in Treasures [link] which is aimed at the hoarder, and Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things [link] which is mostly case studies in treating hoarders. Stuff talks about how the worst thing you can do is clear out all the stuff without working with the hoarder. The hoarders either completely fall apart or they hoard even more. The things are comforting to them in some way. In a lot of cases, the people treating the hoarders gradually got people to reduce hoarding by agreeing to a class of things that could be thrown away, like take-out containers.

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I believe it is part being really busy, part physical limitation because she had a knee replacement a while back, part just being overwhelmed since it got so out of hand.

Ugh. My father is veering on the squalor issue. It's not hoarding, though he does have just a ton of junk lying around creating clutter. But he's never been terribly alert to his surroundings, and has a huge tolerance for leaning towers of mail, etc. Plus he cooks lots of fatty stuff and smokes, so everything gets so grimy and gross. And now as he's older and eyesight not so great, he just doesn't see how gross it's gotten.

He's the kind who I think you totally could go in while he was away and deep clean and it wouldn't bother him a bit. I did that last xmas, and with some things like dishpans and washclothes and stuff just tossed the old and replaced them. He's not attached to the junk and mess, he just doesn't even see it.

ETA: it would totally start to get dirty again eventually, and he'd start saving up take out containers and crap as usual. But at least the starting point would be better.

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