Happy Birdies Scrappy!

I could use a reality check. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, or needy, or crazy, or if I should just drop it. I apologize in advance.

Years ago I had this work-friend, a go-to-lunch kind of friend. She went through a destructo-relationship with an alcoholic jerk, then she got a new boyfriend, and one day at lunch she told me that he was married, and they'd spent the week together at his house (his wife and kids were away) and she giggled about how they'd had sex in his wife's bed. (This was just after my sister's divorce from a man who'd done essentially the same thing to her.) I tried to let her know that I really didn't think that was a good thing while being non-judgmental and all, but it rather soured me on our friendship. She was adamant that they were in love and that made it all okay. Then she got a new job, with one of our vendors, and moved away, coincidentally to Charlottesville. We kept in touch sporadically. About a year later she came back on a business trip and called me, and we were going to get together for a drink after work. I still don't know what really happened - I thought she said she was going to come up to my department and meet me after work, and apparently she thought I was going to call her when I was off work and go meet her wherever she was. I waited over an hour and finally went home, feeling like she'd ditched me. Then she called me, all where were you? and made it sound like she'd been waiting for me to call her. We agreed it was a misunderstanding, too bad, we'll see each other next time, but I probably sounded pissed off (because I was). We didn't talk again. Then I moved to Charlottesville, and I figured I should contact her, and I got her email from a girl at work who was the liaison to that vendor. I ended up never emailing her, both because I was distracted with things going on, and because I kinda didn't want to. Time went on... I heard from Liaison Girl that Jessica had moved, and I guess I thought she'd moved back to New Jersey. About 3 weeks ago, I got a new contact on LinkedIn, a Jessica G., and I realized it was her and she must have gotten married. Whoever she married, it wasn't Adulterous Man, so I decided to let bygones be bygones, and see if we could be friends again. She emailed me back after a few days, and she's still living east of C'ville, and we're all OMG we've lived so close all this time! so we made lunch plans. And she cancelled and moved the date three times, because her kid was sick and then she was sick, and this happens, right, so I didn't think twice about it. She said, "Funny how every time I cancel it's more convenient for you," which again I didn't think twice about; it was a busy week at work and it really was easier for me to go out the next week. So we met on Monday at her favorite lunch place (I'd never been, it was good), and we chatted and caught up and - I thought - had a nice time and were mutually over whatever bad feelings had been between us. Then as we were leaving, she gave me a little hug and said something like, well this was fun we'll do it again sometime, and something struck me as odd about it. She'd been talking all through lunch about inviting me to one of the poker parties, and introducing me to one of her friends, and I invited her to one of my niece's "open bar" parties, and then - maybe we'll do lunch again sometime? It just felt - I can't explain, it was almost dismissive. I emailed her the next day, the usual, That was fun, nice to see you again, thing, and she replied the next day with something about how she and a friend were going on a wine-tasting tour some weekend soon and maybe I could go with them. I replied, sure, love to, just let me know when. That was three weeks ago, and I've heard nothing from her. I'm getting a strong feeling that I just got negged or something. I swear I'm not usually this paranoid about social relationships - usually I can read signals better than this, but right now I'm lost. I just sent her a what's up, how was your weekend email, so now do I just drop it and let the next move if (continued...)

( continues...) there is one depend on her, and not worry about it? She sounded like she might be annoyed that I'd been here 3 years and not contacted her, and it's likely that Liaison Girl told her I asked for her email way back when - I'm sure they talk, after all - but my email has never changed; if she wanted to get in touch with me, she could have, at any time, herself. I don't know what I should be feeling here. I know I'm really bad about keeping in touch with people; I don't even know if this is my own fault.

tl;dr I know. Thanks for letting me vent.

Zenkitty,

I totally understand where you are at. I am going to let someone else respond because I have been scarred for life by bad friendships and I just end up saying "fuck it" and retreat. Which means I have few close friends. I hate being disappointed by people and I frequently am. I am sure someone with better relationships with friends can chime in with good advice.

Zen, I think the biggest question is, do you want to be friends with her? Do you want to spend time with her? Forget everything else and answer that first. If you do, then make the effort and see what happens, but if she keeps not responding or blowing things off, then I might chalk it up to being not a good fit as friends.

Zen, I have a friend that is SUPER busy, and over time manages (i.e. tries to do too much). Add to that, she now has kids, so that absorbs a lot of her time. I've learned that when she flakes out, don't take it personal. I understand that is a bit different than this situation. But, there are those people out there. I agree with Amy. Ask what you want. If you think she's someone you want to call on. Then. Friends forgive. Move on. If she isn't. Then you move on, and forget.

Zen, I think the biggest question is, do you want to be friends with her?

Well, if she's the person I always thought she was, then yes, I do. If she's the person I'm starting to worry she is, then no. I just don't know how reasonable my worry is.

I just don't know how reasonable my worry is.

I don't get intentional negativity from that - I do get overbusy, and reconnecting with someone who is a friend but not necessarily a close one is not at the top of the prioritiy list.

(I also feel, generally, like some people's calendars move faster than others. Between both schedules and perspective, "we're getting together soon to do X", could totally end up being six weeks from now. Whereas for other people I know (but have to remind myself) that if it doesn't happen in two weeks it starts to feel like a blowoff.

So my take would be to let it ride for a bit - enjoy when you can get together but don't count on it being a super frequent thing, at least not right now.

I don't get intentional negativity from that - I do get overbusy

Okay. Maybe my gut feeling got confused by insecurity. I did feel guilty for not contacting her sooner, but it's not like I singled her out... I'm awful at keeping in touch with people. It's like everything else: if it's not right in front of my face, I've already forgotten about it.

:: jumps up and down and waves at Zenkitty ::

hi!