Personally, I'd rather not have to have a dayjob. But I like being able to pay bills and have health insurance, and not having those things makes me worry so much that I can't concentrate on my creative projects.

Because you're a grown-up.

I can find a guy sexually attractive, get to know him, and get turned right off because his personality is repellant. Or vice versa.

But I can find a guy sexually attractive without knowing anything about his personality at all, and I'll bet Steph can't.

It's an island in a river

It's a really big river? With whales?

I have some questions too, but kind of feel like I would be asking for explanations for really elementary stuff. This is the kind of thing I don't like to use google for because I don't know enough about the subject to recognize authoritative bullshit. Anyone care to link me to some trustworthy sources about asexuality and demisexuality? Plus maybe something that deals with common misconceptions, cause I suspect I may have negative knowledge ("knowing things that are not so") in this area.

But I can find a guy sexually attractive without knowing anything about his personality at all, and I'll bet Steph can't.

I totally get that. Where I'm getting hung up is the lack of sexual attraction even after getting to know the person. It seems like there is an attraction to Tim that is rooted in his personality.

Because you're a grown-up.

There are people I know who would laugh at that label being applied to me. But I am a damn grown-up, and the whole notion of privileged hipsters telling people that being responsible means you aren't giving your all to your ART makes me want to take a mallet to them.

There are people I know who would laugh at that label being applied to me. But I am a damn grown-up, and the whole notion of privileged hipsters telling people that being responsible means you aren't giving your all to your ART makes me want to take a mallet to them.

Oh good LORD. People are ridiculous, and would probably benefit from having a mallet taken to them. Because then they'd need to get a day job to pay the hospital bills.

Where I'm getting hung up is the lack of sexual attraction even after getting to know the person

I'm not sure where you're getting that from. What I understand of demisexuality, you're entirely dependent on emotional attraction for physical arousal. For "conventional" sexuality, it's one component, and not required.

Wow. Peppers and OJ. My stomach hates me right now. And I hate aging.

I have friends who support themselves through busking and hustling for every gig they can get, and I admire that. But they also live in fear of surprise bills or sudden health emergencies.

As this is a fairly new topic to me, I'm trying to understand and ask this in all sincerity, no snarkiness implied whatsoever. How is this different from sexual attraction? I understand the personality is the source of your desire for Tim, but, if I'm reading this correctly, you *have* a sexual attraction to Tim.

I understand, no snarkiness inferred!

(This may answer Typo's question about a good source, BTW.) AVEN [link] describes demisexuality as not having "primary sexual attraction" for someone, but having "secondary sexual attraction" for that person after forming an emotional connection. IOW, pretty much exactly ita's example of her being able to be sexually attracted to a guy without knowing anything about his personality at all, but I can't.

Which doesn't answer your question about -- is what I have towards Tim *sexual* attraction. I guess it is. I just hesitate to call it that because, again, (1) I really, truly, don't actually know what qualifies as "sexual attraction" (so maybe what I feel doesn't qualify) and (2) as an identity, this is still really new to me, so I'm still working it out.

And, doesn't personality affect sexual attraction for most people? I can find a guy sexually attractive, get to know him, and get turned right off because his personality is repellant. Or vice versa.

I think the key here is where you said "I can find a guy sexually attractive, get to know him, and get turned right off because his personality is repellant." -- the first part of the sentence, where you do find him sexually attractive *first* -- that actually happens for you. It's real. Even if it's mitigated for you once he opens his mouth and starts talking about how awesome Carrot Top is, you still felt sexual attraction *first* that then went down the tubes.

I think that's normal for sexual people. But for sexual people, it can work in either direction: (1) sexual attraction first, personality second > bad personality > sexual attraction gone; (2) personality first > compelling personality > sexual attraction, hello!

But for demisexual people it only works in one direction, which is: personality first, sexual attraction second. Does that make sense?

Chikat - I can't speak for Steph, but I can give some of why what she says make sense to me. the whole 3 date rule - doesn't work for me. I don't know enough about someone to have sex with them. the idea of sex because so and so is hot- not there. I don't like cake more than sex ( which seems to be the asexual metaphor ). As some one in a long term relationship - 20ish years. Sex is better when we are more emotionally connected and the longer we have had this connection.