As this is a fairly new topic to me, I'm trying to understand and ask this in all sincerity, no snarkiness implied whatsoever. How is this different from sexual attraction? I understand the personality is the source of your desire for Tim, but, if I'm reading this correctly, you *have* a sexual attraction to Tim.

I understand, no snarkiness inferred!

(This may answer Typo's question about a good source, BTW.) AVEN [link] describes demisexuality as not having "primary sexual attraction" for someone, but having "secondary sexual attraction" for that person after forming an emotional connection. IOW, pretty much exactly ita's example of her being able to be sexually attracted to a guy without knowing anything about his personality at all, but I can't.

Which doesn't answer your question about -- is what I have towards Tim *sexual* attraction. I guess it is. I just hesitate to call it that because, again, (1) I really, truly, don't actually know what qualifies as "sexual attraction" (so maybe what I feel doesn't qualify) and (2) as an identity, this is still really new to me, so I'm still working it out.

And, doesn't personality affect sexual attraction for most people? I can find a guy sexually attractive, get to know him, and get turned right off because his personality is repellant. Or vice versa.

I think the key here is where you said "I can find a guy sexually attractive, get to know him, and get turned right off because his personality is repellant." -- the first part of the sentence, where you do find him sexually attractive *first* -- that actually happens for you. It's real. Even if it's mitigated for you once he opens his mouth and starts talking about how awesome Carrot Top is, you still felt sexual attraction *first* that then went down the tubes.

I think that's normal for sexual people. But for sexual people, it can work in either direction: (1) sexual attraction first, personality second > bad personality > sexual attraction gone; (2) personality first > compelling personality > sexual attraction, hello!

But for demisexual people it only works in one direction, which is: personality first, sexual attraction second. Does that make sense?

Chikat - I can't speak for Steph, but I can give some of why what she says make sense to me. the whole 3 date rule - doesn't work for me. I don't know enough about someone to have sex with them. the idea of sex because so and so is hot- not there. I don't like cake more than sex ( which seems to be the asexual metaphor ). As some one in a long term relationship - 20ish years. Sex is better when we are more emotionally connected and the longer we have had this connection.

Where I'm getting hung up is the lack of sexual attraction even after getting to know the person

I'm not sure where you're getting that from.

I think from me, since I said I wasn't sure if I'd call it sexual attraction to Tim. But my hesitation is just because I'm not sure what I feel matches up with what the vast majority knows as "sexual attraction" and takes as a given.

But (hello to the oversharing) -- yeah, I want to have sex with him, however you put the emphasis in that sentence. I want to have sex WITH him. I WANT to have sex with him. I want to have sex with HIM.

Which I guess is sexual attraction. Or Timsexual attraction.

Other things I have learned from Twitter: there is someone with the user ID spiderinurhouse, and they gleefully write taunting replies to tweets about, oh, giant spiders in people's houses. Some people have some strange hobbies, I tell you what.

Is this the person who, um, gifted the world with The Pop-Up Book of Phobias?

I have no idea, but it should be. And yes, that is a pop-up book I have NEVER paged through.

My sister just got comped mad shit on her way to South Africa because she bumped up against visa troubles. She got some really nice people at the flight desk there. I can't believe they're making her pay for a Swiss visa to just pass through the country.

No plan b - means starving artist. I have a college age friend -- she loves music. she is going to school for music and art therpy . Yes, she love to make a living playing guitar and singing. however, if that isn't the way it goes - helping people with music and art - not a bad second choice - and still living with ideals. That is what I call following your bliss . Finding ways to live , take care of yourself , and live up to your ideals of what a good person is.

There are people I know who would laugh at that label being applied to me. But I am a damn grown-up, and the whole notion of privileged hipsters telling people that being responsible means you aren't giving your all to your ART makes me want to take a mallet to them.

Because that is what it means to BECOME AN ARTIST. Wait. I meant to say, to join a cult. Or possibly to join the homeless (into the one mega-homeless, HOMELESSTRON).

Some people have some strange hobbies, I tell you what.

That's actually kind of awesome. But I don't know where you find the time.