Oh, Suela, that's so hard. What Burrell just said about getting assisted living with their own apartment is probably the best option, and might be far enough away from a "nursing home" vibe that your mom won't be so fearful of it.

My mom recently told me that, after my youngest nephew goes to college in three years, she's thinking about moving back to Chicago, this time to the city itself, which I would love. She suggested we get a place together. I nixed that idea by telling her that, if everything goes the way I plan, I'll be actually having a social life as I lose my weight, which includes members of the opposite sex possibly coming over to my place for the evening, and I'd rather not have my mom there! She cracked up and agreed it wouldn't be a good idea.

Yes, they would, except (a) the expense is pretty significant (some of them run $4k/month, and up); and more importantly (b) my mother has an utter irrational horror of nursing homes.

It's the truth -- as far as I understand, they essentially take every asset and then work with Medicare to figure out where you can afford to be. It's not easy at all, especially with your mom's fear.

I hope you can figure something out that works for all of you. It's such a complicated position to be in, like Liese describes.

And Burrell, you too. It's so rough.

Oh, Connie, that's so hard. Does their current community have a social worker or doctor who could straight-talk and give them a guilt trip of their own about asking you to do this?

Blessings on my parents, who picked their current retirement community because it has the facilities to care for them the rest of their lives, and saved us the pain of having to choose for them.

Yup, still right there with you. My mom hates nursing homes and has made us promise not to put her in them. But she's not the one in question at the moment. And we were getting ready to talk about nursing homes with my grandmother just before she died. I know my mom wouldn't want to put my dad in one, but at some point he will need more care than she can provide.

Oh god, Consuela, that just sounds impossible. It's totally fair (although still really hard!) to say that given your job and etc., you can't be all of the support your parents need.

Of course there are in-home care options, depending on what you need, and I'm currently obsessed with day programs for Alzheimer's folks, since they are going so well for both my father and a bunch of other people we know.

I really feel for those of you who have been dealing with these issues, and it's been quite helpful for me to be able to talk about your experiences to my mother, who is a very healthy and active 61, but is married to a man turning 79 this week and starting to slow down a little (short term memory issues when he's tired, getting tired more easily), and she's totally freaking out about his aging.

I don't think any parent can reasonably ask a child to become a primary caregiver for them and share a home. A child can volunteer, but it has to be voluntary.

I hate that so many people have such fear around these issues.

What Jesse said.

I am so sorry you and your parents have to go through this.

I realize it wouldn;t help for more than the short term, but would you be interested in being treated to either dim sum in Oakland or drinks and appetizers in SF some weekend soon?

Oh, I think we should definitely do dim sum at some point.

I am stymied by their pride, which I'd never thought was a big deal before, but in many ways what it comes down to is that they're willing to accept help from their children they won't take from anyone else. So I can clean the bathroom and cook dinner and do their taxes, but they're really resistant to bringing in outside help for any of that. And, of course, they're resistant to giving up their mobility. The day that Dad can't drive anymore is going to be awful.

I don't think any parent can reasonably ask a child to become a primary caregiver for them and share a home. A child can volunteer, but it has to be voluntary.

Yeah, it makes me wonder how it happened when my grandfather was alive -- at the beginning of his disability, he (and my grandmother) lived with my uncle and his family, and then my parents bought a two-family house they could move into, so they could help take care of him. He was a quadriplegic, so there was a ton of care needed, including my uncle and them coming on weekends, and a home health aide during the day, but there was still plenty for my parents to deal with.