Oh god, Consuela, that just sounds impossible. It's totally fair (although still really hard!) to say that given your job and etc., you can't be all of the support your parents need.

Of course there are in-home care options, depending on what you need, and I'm currently obsessed with day programs for Alzheimer's folks, since they are going so well for both my father and a bunch of other people we know.

I really feel for those of you who have been dealing with these issues, and it's been quite helpful for me to be able to talk about your experiences to my mother, who is a very healthy and active 61, but is married to a man turning 79 this week and starting to slow down a little (short term memory issues when he's tired, getting tired more easily), and she's totally freaking out about his aging.

I don't think any parent can reasonably ask a child to become a primary caregiver for them and share a home. A child can volunteer, but it has to be voluntary.

I hate that so many people have such fear around these issues.

What Jesse said.

I am so sorry you and your parents have to go through this.

I realize it wouldn;t help for more than the short term, but would you be interested in being treated to either dim sum in Oakland or drinks and appetizers in SF some weekend soon?

Oh, I think we should definitely do dim sum at some point.

I am stymied by their pride, which I'd never thought was a big deal before, but in many ways what it comes down to is that they're willing to accept help from their children they won't take from anyone else. So I can clean the bathroom and cook dinner and do their taxes, but they're really resistant to bringing in outside help for any of that. And, of course, they're resistant to giving up their mobility. The day that Dad can't drive anymore is going to be awful.

I don't think any parent can reasonably ask a child to become a primary caregiver for them and share a home. A child can volunteer, but it has to be voluntary.

Yeah, it makes me wonder how it happened when my grandfather was alive -- at the beginning of his disability, he (and my grandmother) lived with my uncle and his family, and then my parents bought a two-family house they could move into, so they could help take care of him. He was a quadriplegic, so there was a ton of care needed, including my uncle and them coming on weekends, and a home health aide during the day, but there was still plenty for my parents to deal with.

the thought of actually doing it makes me want to run screaming.

Run. My mother spent the last eight years or so of my father's life getting up at 4 a.m.; changing the sheets; changing his diapers; moving him to his chair; and setting up lunch and drinks for him. Then she worked for 8 hours; came home; changed his diapers; made dinner; and washed his clothes and the sheets. She was hurt more than once trying to support his weight to get him from room to room in the house and to doctor appointments. As he got weaker, he got meaner, and he was not the nicest guy to begin with. He and my sister would get into epic screaming matches.

Even if your parents are the sweetest people in the world, if they live with you, you'll end up trying to take care of them, and untrained people can't support the weight of some of someone falling. It's hard to enforce medical dictates on your own parents.

I know of some sliding scale assisted living facilities, Consuela, and people can have their own furniture and pictures. Do you think she might settle down if she was in a place that looked like home? Is there senior center your dad can go to during the day to see other people?

Much strength to you, Suela. Care of our parents is so scary and so difficult and there is no clear-cut "right" answer.

Well, my mother would not allow her mother to move in with us, so I have that trump card. Plus, my brother and I already agreed that if mom had to live with someone it would be him. (I had volunteered for dad).

Do you think she might settle down if she was in a place that looked like home?

No. We waited too long to move them to California (it was only in 2009). She can't recognize where she lives now, even surrounded by her own furniture, art, and dog. It's not the house I grew up in, or the summer house they sold five years ago, or my sister's house, and that's all she knows.

Moving them again is something I'd like to avoid, because it won't make that any better. But they were in a retirement community in suburban Florida, completely out of reach to any of their kids, with no support network and not very good medical facilities nearby. At least now she's on better drugs, with a caregiver four times a week, and we got them a pill-dispenser with a timer which helps a lot.

Is there senior center your dad can go to during the day to see other people?

He goes to the gym when the caregiver is there, and the store, and on Saturdays he goes hiking with a group if I can get out there to sit with Mom. But I don't think he has any friends, per se. Thankfully, he has been going to a caregiver's support group a couple of times.