A crime against humanity and caninity.

So my parents the other day (who live in a retirement community about 25 minutes away) announced that they thought it would be a good idea for them to buy a house with me.

My mother is 80, and has Alzheimer's, and has very limited mobility. She's also subject to paralyzing levels of anxiety and must be on serious medication at all times. She cannot be left alone. My dad is 83 and while still active is starting to slip a bit cognitively.

I love my parents and I want them to live the last years of their lives in health and safety. My sister & I see them regularly, and the kids pay for someone to sit with my mother four mornings a week so my dad can get out.

Within a few years my dad should stop driving, probably. And my mother's back problems and general sedentary lifestyle mean that she's a fall risk. They're one broken ankle from disaster, frankly.

But I live alone, and I love living alone. I do my thing, I see friends and family when I want, I keep my independence. Living with my parents would mean losing that. I would pretty much be guaranteed to end up as their primary caregiver, even if we bring in outside help.

Which is not even getting into the difficulty of selling two houses and buying a new one.

But I feel guilty! Because I think my dad really wants more time with people other than his wife, and she's really really difficult to deal with.

Argh.

Granted, my husband's family resembles a dysfunctional wolf pack when it comes to interfamilial relations, but when his mother and sister bought a house together it degenerated into a lot of animosity and an eventual lawsuit.

Oh, Consuela, that's so hard. My mom went through that with her mom. Ultimately they'd probably be better off in an assisted living facility. They'd have more company, since you'd be at work full-time, and they'd also be set up if and when either of their health really starts to fail.

Not an easy conversation to have, though.

So my parents the other day (who live in a retirement community about 25 minutes away) announced that they thought it would be a good idea for them to buy a house with me.

I read your whole post and came back to this. It's their idea. Ouch. That lays all sorts of pressure on. Moving out of a retirement home and in with you doesn't seem like a step in a forward direction (assisted living does, though), honestly, unless you can provide care that professionals can't or won't. It seems like you have a good relationship with them, and see them a lot, and they aren't isolated from family, and that sounds like the best solution.

Of course this is all tainted with the guilt that I don't live in the same country as my aging parents and my sister does, and I feel like shit about it. But not enough, apparently.

I feel for you, Suela. I think we're close to this point ourselves. My dad's Parkinson's is progressing; he refuses to take medications, has started refusing appointments like the ophthalmologist (he has a macular hole that needs watching), hasn't left the house since Thanksgiving. My mom is tough and has been a caregiver her whole life, but she needs more than just sitting in the house.

I had this brief fantasy where my sister & brother-in-law would go, but a) he's the VP of a company, and probably couldn't leave and b) I suspect it would be a situation that was more stressful to my mom, ending up with her as on-call babysitter, than relieving.

So it's probably us. But right now, I can't even conceive of leaving here and our kiddoes and our work and our awesome house. And to do what? What job would allow us to be secondary caregivers?

It's all hard.

There's got to be a balance we can strike between eldercare and our lives. My parents' generation didn't hit it; they just sacrificed everything. And I don't want to do that, but not to is to not do what they did for me.

Ultimately they'd probably be better off in an assisted living facility.

Yes, they would, except (a) the expense is pretty significant (some of them run $4k/month, and up); and more importantly (b) my mother has an utter irrational horror of nursing homes. Even though assisted living isn't a nursing home, it doesn't matter.

She worked in a nursing home in the 1970s, and ever since then she has insisted we promise never to put her in one. She sees it as children dumping their parents to die in awful conditions. It's not rational: once when she was hospitalized and didn't get her meds properly, she became delusional about being in a nursing home and the nurses called us at 1 AM to come sit with her.

Frankly, I was hoping the dementia would progress to the point where she wouldn't care where she was, but apparently the one thing she's really able to hang onto is her fear. Even when she doesn't know what state she lives in, or her grandchildren's names, she knows enough to bitch about living in "a motel" and being afraid of nursing homes.

Ugh Connie, that's so hard.

I totally agree that if you agree, you are essentially agreeing to be the primary caregiver, and that's going to be very hard. Amy's right that assisted living may be a better choice for all involved, esp. if you can find a facility that offers your parents basically their own apt/studio so your father can maintain his independence.

Also, you should take any advice from me in this regard with a HUGE grain of salt since currently I am considering allowing my MiL to move into our house so we can better care for her and frankly the thought of actually doing it makes me want to run screaming.

My parents' generation didn't hit it; they just sacrificed everything.

Both my grandmothers spent the last decade or so of their lives living with their daughters' families. Never the sons, mind you: just the daughters. My aunt had eleven kids, and her mother, for a good twenty years.

I can't do that. When my aunt died, a couple of years ago, one of my cousins had spent the last four years of her life as her mother's full-time caregiver. She has depression, has no job, and was utterly wrecked by the experience. And her siblings were willing to let her do that, because it got them off the hook.

But how do I say to my parents, "Even if it were feasible to do this, I couldn't bear it"? I love my dad, and I want to help him, but this? Argh.

Frankly, I was hoping the dementia would progress to the point where she wouldn't care where she was, but apparently the one thing she's really able to hang onto is her fear.

Oh crap. Well there goes that one then. That's kind of why it's almost impossible for me to convince anyone in my MiL's family to consider an assisted living facility. Plus my MiL has all her faculties, she's just not well enough to care for herself.

Oh Suela! I honestly don't know what I would do if I was in your position. It's such a hard set of choices.