I don't think any parent can reasonably ask a child to become a primary caregiver for them and share a home. A child can volunteer, but it has to be voluntary.

Yeah, it makes me wonder how it happened when my grandfather was alive -- at the beginning of his disability, he (and my grandmother) lived with my uncle and his family, and then my parents bought a two-family house they could move into, so they could help take care of him. He was a quadriplegic, so there was a ton of care needed, including my uncle and them coming on weekends, and a home health aide during the day, but there was still plenty for my parents to deal with.

the thought of actually doing it makes me want to run screaming.

Run. My mother spent the last eight years or so of my father's life getting up at 4 a.m.; changing the sheets; changing his diapers; moving him to his chair; and setting up lunch and drinks for him. Then she worked for 8 hours; came home; changed his diapers; made dinner; and washed his clothes and the sheets. She was hurt more than once trying to support his weight to get him from room to room in the house and to doctor appointments. As he got weaker, he got meaner, and he was not the nicest guy to begin with. He and my sister would get into epic screaming matches.

Even if your parents are the sweetest people in the world, if they live with you, you'll end up trying to take care of them, and untrained people can't support the weight of some of someone falling. It's hard to enforce medical dictates on your own parents.

I know of some sliding scale assisted living facilities, Consuela, and people can have their own furniture and pictures. Do you think she might settle down if she was in a place that looked like home? Is there senior center your dad can go to during the day to see other people?

Much strength to you, Suela. Care of our parents is so scary and so difficult and there is no clear-cut "right" answer.

Well, my mother would not allow her mother to move in with us, so I have that trump card. Plus, my brother and I already agreed that if mom had to live with someone it would be him. (I had volunteered for dad).

Do you think she might settle down if she was in a place that looked like home?

No. We waited too long to move them to California (it was only in 2009). She can't recognize where she lives now, even surrounded by her own furniture, art, and dog. It's not the house I grew up in, or the summer house they sold five years ago, or my sister's house, and that's all she knows.

Moving them again is something I'd like to avoid, because it won't make that any better. But they were in a retirement community in suburban Florida, completely out of reach to any of their kids, with no support network and not very good medical facilities nearby. At least now she's on better drugs, with a caregiver four times a week, and we got them a pill-dispenser with a timer which helps a lot.

Is there senior center your dad can go to during the day to see other people?

He goes to the gym when the caregiver is there, and the store, and on Saturdays he goes hiking with a group if I can get out there to sit with Mom. But I don't think he has any friends, per se. Thankfully, he has been going to a caregiver's support group a couple of times.

That's just so complex and heartwrenching.

I just made a jaunt out for ibuprofen and a Thermacare pad. I'm quietly freaking out over here.

I wish I could get mom to a caregiver's support group. She gives me the Japanese yes which means, "I hear you and I understand what you are saying," not, ok, I'll do it.

I thought it was going to be bad when my dad had to give up driving (and I'd been lecturing mom on getting more comfortable with it beforehand) but it went really smoothly, and kind of naturally. They still went through this big thing about getting a car with handles on the drivers' side so he could pull himself into the seat, but he's never driven it. I think it was worrying him before, so it was something of a relief not to have to do it.

Oh, I think we should definitely do dim sum at some point.

The next few weekends are pretty open for me, so just let me know when it works for you.

Moving them again is something I'd like to avoid, because it won't make that any better.

Your father should get that, shouldn't he? Or maybe he figures the current place is no great shakes anyway, so it would be better to be together?

I'm kind of subconsciously trying to get used to the idea of moving into my parents' house at some point, but they could really use the rental income they could get after my grandmother dies. So I don't know.

Is the Thermacare for your stomach, ita?

It's amazing how aging varies, too. There's a woman at my parents' church who's 99 and still living alone. She doesn't drive anymore, and she has some help with getting groceries in and that sort of thing, but otherwise? She's on her own and makes her own meals, and walks the three blocks to church every week. And she's in a row house with two flights of stairs.