So I spent Thanksgiving at home. As you might expect, I have much to report.

Remember Doctor Girl? The potential future wife I tried to e-mail with on my own terms but instead caused a "blunder" since you're not supposed to try to be friends with potential future wives? To my great surprise, I received an e-mail from her. She's still interested in chatting if I am, except now I'm really confused about what the hell happened since all the parents are upset. She agrees that it's hard to find Indians who are interested in art, literature, and theatre. She still seems cool, but I don't want to make more waves by continuing to communicate with her.

Remember how she was supposed to be the last one, promise? Yeah, surprise, not so much. I got roped into an awkward meeting with another potential future wife suggested by a family friend. The girl was nice (and she'd gotten the meeting similarly sprung upon her), but I didn't feel any spark or connection (it's kind of hard to in a meeting like that, I guess). Apparently asking not to be presented with potential future wives is not an option, no matter how many times I request it. Maybe I should just give in while I look for someone on my own, even though I doubt I will find someone who meets their stringent requirements. I know I'm not doing enough to actively find someone, but it's a daunting task, even without all this pressure. I think I'll try to prioritize going to more Indian gatherings and functions in hopes of meeting someone I like. Maybe I should get over myself and stop resenting potential future wives on principle. I'm still opposed to the wife factory, though, which my mom wants to take me to next year, but she wants to take me there every year, so that's nothing new.

The situation with my brother has made things worse for me, as now they are terrified of "losing" another son. My dad stated that they would never be okay with his having a white girlfriend, so I shouldn't even think about it. My mom said that if I ended up marrying a white girl, she'd prefer that I had never been born.

"Well, that makes me feel really good," I said. But that's how she felt. We are always so concerned about our feelings and we never think about their feelings. "Are you proud of me at all?" I asked. Yes, she was proud that I was educated and had a good job, although it would have been better if I were uneducated and listened to my parents instead. Didn't she crow about all my achievements in high school? Didn't she? But all of that would be meaningless if I married a white girl, of course. Indians marry Indians; we are all in the same clan. (She kept saying "clan" over and over, and I resisted the urge to bring up a certain other Klan.)

My mom was fucking sobbing when I hugged her goodbye at the airport. I couldn't even hear what she was saying through the tears, but I think she said she cries herself to sleep every night. She's going crazy, she said.

Staying strong doesn't seem to work, and neither does giving in. There doesn't seem to be any good outcome. It continues to be an awful mess.

In other news, I came home with a lot of new shirts, a new razor, and lots of food.

Staying strong doesn't seem to work, and neither does giving in. There doesn't seem to be any good outcome.

This is the primary argument for doing what is right for you, rather than trying to meet the demands of others. It's a bottomless well of tears that never dries up.

But wait, let me ask a question of the hive. Has anyone ever done everything 'right' in the eyes of a parent, lover, etc. and then enjoyed endless peace in the family?

In my own, and the experience of my clients...you can actually do everything asked, but well looky-here...now it's something else that is not enough!

I would LOVE to hear that taking care of everyone else actually works, but I don't have any evidence that it does.

Anybody have a different experience?

I couldn't even hear what she was saying through the tears, but I think she said she cries herself to sleep every night. She's going crazy, she said.

...I...just...

...."GOING"??!?!?

Sweet baby Jesus, Polter.

We're proud of you, but it's not the same, I know.

...I...just...

...."GOING"??!?!?

I felt really sorry for her there. I'm going crazy too. I know what it's like.

Also, she hasn't eaten rice in two years, apparently. And she won't until I get married. I told her to go ahead and eat rice since she misses it, but, you know, some people juggle geese.

This is the primary argument for doing what is right for you, rather than trying to meet the demands of others. It's a bottomless well of tears that never dries up.

I know they will always find new things to be disappointed in, but this seems to be THE BIGGEST AND MOST CRITICAL THING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, so getting it right would be...better than not, I guess. Even though I want to do it my way, not their way. Of course, at the same time they place so much importance on it, they also frame it as this One Little Thing they are asking me to do after they gave me all the freedoms in the world before now.

Wow, P-C that is just awful. Was your brother there or are they not even speaking to him? I didn't realize you were trying to find a wife on your own; I thought you had decided you were not ready to be married.

P-C's family is especially stressful right now, but I don't think family life ever runs smoothly for long. There is always money or health or anger or job loss or expectations or SOMETHING to stir things up. That's just what life is.

Was your brother there or are they not even speaking to him?

This was the ride to the airport, which I knew would be terrible. They never found the time to have The Talk when all three kids were together, fortunately or unfortunately. They speak to my brother, but obviously tensions are high. He doesn't stay the night, and that's all they care about. Even when he comes to the house at nine in the morning and stays till the afternoon, it doesn't count since he doesn't stay the night. They think he doesn't stay because he's "ashamed" of his white girlfriend, but I told them it's because they make him uncomfortable, and they replied that we only care about our own feelings and not theirs. My mom says she still loves him because he's her son, but...I don't remember the but.

I didn't realize you were trying to find a wife on your own

I've messaged Indian girls on OKCupid, and I went out on a couple dates with one. I'm not trying very hard, though. I've joined several Indian groups on Meetup.com but haven't gone to many of the events.

I thought you had decided you were not ready to be married.

I'm not, but there's nothing I can do about that. Who knows when I'll be ready? I don't even know what ready is. How am I supposed to know if I've never even had a relationship before?

There is always money or health or anger or job loss or expectations or SOMETHING to stir things up.

Sadly, this. After all the various dramas my family has been fairly chill recently (I'm already gay, my sister is already married to the Old Black Muslim, my brother has already moved to Europe, so there's only so much more we can do)...and even still, my mother is apparently bitching at my sister that she wants grandbabies, EVEN THOUGH she knows they have fertility issues!! (And when my sister finally sniped back "well, if you want them so bad give me the money for IVF!" my mom said she would, but dad wouldn't approve!! WTF?)

they also frame it as this One Little Thing they are asking me to do after they gave me all the freedoms in the world before now.

Right. I can totally see why they would say this...buuuuutttt...I seem to recall other things being the one little thing...or the BIGGEST THING EVER, at other times. So, yeah. No basis in logic.

Not that logic is required, but it's nice to hang onto when the madness creeps closer.