Somebody can be naturally sympathetic, expressing concern or compassion for your plight without being empathetic - being able to read, or know your emotions. This can lead to a lot of confusion and tension when somebody who has been sympathetic turns out to be not so empathetic.

Too true. I'm really, really empathy-impaired. It's frustrating, because it really isn't something I can change, and I've managed to get to a point where I'm almost capable of it, but it is a constant effort, because my brain's not hardwired for it.

Plei, you could be like my mother, who understands that people feel differently than she does, she just thinks that they're wrong.

I don't think it's necessarily something that can be learned.

It can. But it's not easy, and it's not enjoyable.

I'm so thankful for every bit of advice and challenge I've gotten on this issue. I feel like I've taken up enough space, so I'm going to close my story by responding to this.

K. has just as much right to walk away as Bonny.

Zen and Jessica, I think the thing that bothered me the most over the communication I have had with K in the last few days was that I HAD come to a pretty balanced place of understanding that things change and I can't expect any more of her than she can give.

If she HAD walked away, it would have been better for both of us. She didn't. She compounded the existing hurt by not acknowledging my feelings and making the breakdown about me not communicating in a way that worked for her. The irony of that, quite frankly, burned. It was defensive and unfair. My walking away is about not wanting to take that anymore.

In conclusion. I'm sad but I really do believe that people come into our lives for all kinds of reasons and seasons. My season with K is over.

It can. But it's not easy, and it's not enjoyable.

How does one learn that?

I have a hard time making eye-contact with people, so that's probably part of my problem right there.

I think it's good to be aware of one's limitations. I just wish I was more aware of them 25 years ago. (Back then I just had a vague sense that I wasn't fitting in very well with most people.)

Good Stuff Happened Today tumblr. Didn't Jesse post in Press about it?

This whole conversation has made me very uncomfortable because there seems to be an unspoken assumption that Bonny is somehow entitled to this woman's friendship because of a relationship they've had in the past, and I really don't believe that's ever the case, in any relationship.

I don't believe that either, and I never made any such assumption. K. has just as much right to walk away as Bonny.

I think there is a misunderstanding. K. does indeed have the right to walk away. In some ways, I feel she has already done so, as evidenced by her move to another part of the country, and by her lack of follow-through on actually spending time with bonny since the move - particularly the way in which she kept bonny dangling re: a face-to-face visit while she was in town. Part of what we are trying to help bonny hash out, is how to end the uneven exchange of energies, how much bonny needs to explain herself to K., and what kind of obligation bonny has to keep lines of communication open. At least that is what I was seeing.

my mother, who understands that people feel differently than she does, she just thinks that they're wrong.

This made me laugh and laugh. Your mom sounds very familiar to me!

I wish I knew how to teach empathy. Are there any good resources on this?

I don't think you have to be good at reading other's emotions in order to empathize. I think they are complementary but not always paired.

I don't think you have to be good at reading other's emotions in order to empathize. I think they are complementary but not always paired.

Yeah, after thinking about it, I agree. I think I can be very empathetic if I know and understand the feeling the person is going through. But I often need to be told what the person is going through first.