I agree. I don't think it's true at all that people don't care.

Given my recent waxing rhapsodic about the wonderful care I received when I was ill, I clearly don't subscribe to that newsletter. However, it does seem as some people have become so absorbed in their own stuff that a suggestion that they consider someone else's feelings actually offensive. This appears to be the case with my friend. It bothers me so much because I HAVE cared so much for her.

bonny, I care! I admit I can be a complete dork sometimes wrt forgetting birthdays etc but I feel horrible about it afterwards and always try to make it up to people. I have enjoyed reading your posts and feel like I know you a little and I feel horrible that your friend doesn't seem able to be there for you.

Aw. Thanks Laga, and right back atcha.

I am the worst birthday keeper, but it isn't for lack of caring!

Drew, I'm very sorry for your loss.

bonny, I am a little appalled that your "friend" doesn't seem capable of being a friend.

I dunno, I'm with some others in the "scrappy is wise" camp, if someone sent me that email I'd probably want to hash it out if not in person, at least not over email where things can be harsh and it's more like a monologue than a dialogue.

Jilli, I have to confess that, when I came seeking advice I was thinking, "What would Jilli say?"

bonny, your friend sounds very frustrating. I have an energy-draining friend who sounds like she has things in common with yours. I've cut down on the time I spend with her. Sometimes letting people go is the only way forward. Wishing you all the best with it.

In our house we've had to have a few talks about how Mommy's big belly is a fun happy topic for conversation, but it's not really polite to ask if Daddy is also going to have a baby come out of HIS big tummy.

Hee. And that reminds me. My niece, who is only just three, freaked my sister out yesterday by asking "Where was Ivy [her new baby sister] when I was in your tummy?" This is the same child who regularly corners me with theology and philosophy, and has taken to asking if we can get out of our bodies if we want to. I swear the Theory of Mind stuff I learnt in the psychology module of my teacher training course did not mention having to explain these things to pre-schoolers.

Also, clue-sticking all around Seska's university, which I would have thought would have been thoroughly clued years ago.

The DDA was passed in 1995. So you'd have thought so, wouldn't you? Heh. Got a meeting with them tomorrow. Please, wish me calm~ma. If I lose the plot during the meeting and leave the uni in spite, I might regret it later on.

When it was safer to make a joke using words like "terrorist" I used to say I could make some nice coin sneaking mad bombers on airplanes while the whole airport screeched to a fucking halt realizing that"Oh, shit, wheelchairs are metal too." Then, they have to find the one female metal-screener, in case I think this is foreplay.

The one who got me on the way back was trying to speak French to me. It took me so long to decypher "How long can you stand up for?" that she had given up and let me stay sitting. I guess you've had your chair broken more times than I have on flights, erika. I've just had the one chair ruined. Quite irritating enough though!

Really sorry to hear about your aunt, ND.

Nothing~ma for the family member, Sox.

And that was me meara-ing. I think that's everything. Oh, except that my vacuum cleaner has broken and we can't afford a new one. Grr.

Unrelated to her, but effected by her, is my recent choice to quit being the one who takes emotional care of every-freaking-body in my life.

This might be a large part of what the friendship provided her - your unceasing emotional support.

The intimacy you have with each other seems to come from Being There for each other.

In one of my rudimentary schemas, this is one of the three legs a friendship can stand on. The other two being: Somebody I Have Fun With and Somebody I Can Talk To (not just conversational, or gossip, or even support. But rather somebody that has a very specific point of view that's useful to you. Something that makes them irreplaceable). It's rare to find somebody that fulfills all three elements.

It sounds like you have some fun with her (though it's not the dominant trait), and she's somebody that gets something by talking to you. But you seem to get less from her in that regard.

So if Being There For Each Other is missing, then it's got a lot less to fall back on.

However, it does seem as some people have become so absorbed in their own stuff that a suggestion that they consider someone else's feelings actually offensive. This appears to be the case with my friend. It bothers me so much because I HAVE cared so much for her.

There does seem to be some disconnect here. It seems like you are disappointed that she can't read you, or know your needs. You have an expectation that she's not fulfilling.

I'm sure you've seen that dynamic a lot in couples therapy settings, stereotypically when the one person is hurt because the other has forgotten some key anniversary or isn't treating an upcoming event with the same reverence. So they interpret the fact that somebody doesn't attach the same symbolic value to that event as not valuing them as a person.

"They should know how important that is to me!"

I don't disagree with the Scrappy camp...and I very much appreciate the input.

If I had heard anything that suggested she was interested in understanding my position, I would have been thankful for the Skype request. Instead, what I heard was, 'let me tell you how your feelings are wrong.' When I replied that I wasn't interested in that type of conversation, she made no effort to deny the intent.

Also, if my concern was somehow a surprise, I would completely appreciate the 'shock' making it difficult to respond in a non-defensive way. But that isn't the case...not even remotely.

This latest message from me came after multiple attempts to communicate differently being ignored or rejected. It got to the point where I found myself ignoring her messages and that didn't seem fair. Since negotiation didn't work, honesty seemed my only option.

So if Being There For Each Other is missing, then it's got a lot less to fall back on.

It does seem occasionally like you are disappointed when people can't read you, or know your needs. You have an expectation that they're not fulfilling. That's almost always a communication issue because people process things in different ways.

This is gold, David. You are absolutely right.

My 'story' is that I bend so far backwards to help people fix their communication problems and I am so, incredibly clear about my needs...really to the point of being ridiculous with the 'It's okay with me if you don't want x or y, I am soooo openminded.'

But then, there comes a point where the crick in the back just doesn't seem worth it. This is me totally whining, and accepting the childishness of it, but now and then I want a line that I don't have to cross for someone else.

I HAVE experienced straight up, down to the bone honesty from emotionally courageous folks. It's intoxicating and I have to look into why I don't seem to cast those folks in the leading roles in my life.