That's awesome, Barb. And Cass and Teppy are both pretty damn wise.

I really get Zen's off and on switch--that's exactly what it's like. It's sort of uncanny to stand outside yourself and watch that performance. I've always had huge imposter syndrome issues, and had trouble convincing myself I was competent, but managed to convice others, again through performance. I had a co-worker, who had himself an appearance and reputation as formidable, tell me people were "afraid" of me, that I could be intimidating.

Really? Me? Huh. Actually, that explains some stuff.

Fred, I understand about being a nice guy, too. I raised two of them. One, with some coaching from ma, learned about performance and decided to fake it till he made it. It was tough, but he did manage to walk a line between total butthead and so sympathetic everyone took advantage. StY was less successful at it, he sought the protective coloration of comedy, with some success. His ADHD on top of being Uber Nice Guy has always been a big handicap, though, and he's never achieved the contentment I believe he deserves. Nice Guys really don't finish first.

Not to mention the "come to close and I'll cut you," vibe that I apparently put off.

This is me. I *can* be nice; I just usually can't be arsed.

Yeah, helpless doesn't usually work for me. Although there was the time that I had a car issue that wasn't covered by insurance (accident, long story), but I wanted it fixed, so when I took it in, I wore a short skirt and a lowcut top, wandered around until I found the big black guy, and shoved my girls our there, batted my eyelashes and asked him to fix the door, which he did. Eh.

I am not entirely sure what my vibe is. Some people are terrified of me, some are startled I have teeth. I don't think it actually has much to do with me. I can no longer take it personally.

I do, however, know I wrinkle my nose and express uncertainty and people do random shit for me. Men people, and when I was younger, mother-shaped people.

I'm still trying to work out how that nets out at the mechanic's. I know we're supposed to be exploited terribly there, but I might just be dumb enough to fall for it. Because it sure sounds like they do free shit for me all the time.

Whatever. It's on me to sit down and learn more about cars. I'm not going to change how I dress one way or another.

wandered around until I found the big black guy

I am not even going to do anything other than nod.

There may have been some eyelash batting as well. But, it's not like he was actually looking at my face.

I've basically given up trying to control/exploit other peoples' perceptions of me, because most of the time I don't even grasp what they are until hours later ("oh, THAT'S why she/he was staring at me funny!"), and they seem to have more to do with that person than with me.

There may have been some eyelash batting as well. But, it's not like he was actually looking at my face.

It's good, if they're going to pretend, that you give them some other brief target of their attention.

I do know that if I need a little something done, I can go lean on the black guy's desk and get it done sooner, but on the flip side, I've just extended something, and he's likely going to feel reasonable to see how far he can pursue it.

What I love best is when it's tacitly understood that you're both being terribly superficial, and THAT'S IT. No need for future conversations, because that's not what the posturing was about.

I don't know. Talking about being able to take advantage of the way a guy decides to value the way a woman looks doesn't really strike me as a good thing. It's still them deciding whether a woman is worth treating well and they can take it away in a heartbeat if they decide they want more than flirting or if you, as a woman, refuse to play the boobs/pout/flirt game.

I don't blame anybody for doing what they gotta do, but I don't think it's good for anyone.

I don't blame anybody for doing what they gotta do, but I don't think it's good for anyone.

The dichotomy between social justice and a $50 parking ticket often falls to saving the money.

Anymore I seem to terrify people. Honestly I think it's just that I'll look them in the eye and force them to talk to me. Which, in this area, is terrifying for some people, to have a woman being direct and assertive. And I will confess that as the looks have gone, I'm happy to play up the "I'm old enough to be your mother, doofus" factor. I'm digging the onset of cronehood. Hubby works the good ol' boy/curmudgeon thing like nobody's business.