I don't think it's easier on guys.

But I see the feminist men in my life, and some of the feminist women, and I'm so proud and happy to have them in my life.

The thing with privilege, it doesn't just go one way. Which I think people (including me) often fail to acknowledge or remember all o the time.

What Cass said. And what Teppy said.

I've never been able to exploit my looks either-- despite the fact that I'm only 5'2", I don't give off any kind of a dainty, helpless vibe.

Not to mention the "come too close and I'll cut you," vibe that I apparently put off.

But speaking of looks and impressions, I experienced probably one of the most surreal conversations yesterday on Facebook with an old college friend. Another mutual friend of ours had unearthed several college era photos, including one of me getting ready for our band banquet, standing in front of a mirror, putting the finishing touches on my makeup, in full 80s taffeta & Southern Permed Big Haired glory (or lack thereof).

Anyhow, this friend said that that photograph and by extension, me, had apparently been the subject of a recent conversation among several of our old group. The gist was that most people twenty-plus years on went either one of two ways: either the youthful looks deepened and got a bit better or everything went to hell with the weight gain and aging, etc. Then he said, "Yeah, we all agreed that you'd skipped past all that and gone straight to OMG, hawt!"

Which left me absolutely stunned and spluttering.

He added, "Not a one of us would have ever guessed that you would have turned out the way you have. You are just so much more stunningly beautiful than you were in college."

(He never did know when to quit, bless his heart.)

Still, it's a startling thing to hear because I've lived so much of my life as homely/ordinary that I wouldn't even begin to know how to take advantage of beauty.

That's awesome, Barb. And Cass and Teppy are both pretty damn wise.

I really get Zen's off and on switch--that's exactly what it's like. It's sort of uncanny to stand outside yourself and watch that performance. I've always had huge imposter syndrome issues, and had trouble convincing myself I was competent, but managed to convice others, again through performance. I had a co-worker, who had himself an appearance and reputation as formidable, tell me people were "afraid" of me, that I could be intimidating.

Really? Me? Huh. Actually, that explains some stuff.

Fred, I understand about being a nice guy, too. I raised two of them. One, with some coaching from ma, learned about performance and decided to fake it till he made it. It was tough, but he did manage to walk a line between total butthead and so sympathetic everyone took advantage. StY was less successful at it, he sought the protective coloration of comedy, with some success. His ADHD on top of being Uber Nice Guy has always been a big handicap, though, and he's never achieved the contentment I believe he deserves. Nice Guys really don't finish first.

Not to mention the "come to close and I'll cut you," vibe that I apparently put off.

This is me. I *can* be nice; I just usually can't be arsed.

Yeah, helpless doesn't usually work for me. Although there was the time that I had a car issue that wasn't covered by insurance (accident, long story), but I wanted it fixed, so when I took it in, I wore a short skirt and a lowcut top, wandered around until I found the big black guy, and shoved my girls our there, batted my eyelashes and asked him to fix the door, which he did. Eh.

I am not entirely sure what my vibe is. Some people are terrified of me, some are startled I have teeth. I don't think it actually has much to do with me. I can no longer take it personally.

I do, however, know I wrinkle my nose and express uncertainty and people do random shit for me. Men people, and when I was younger, mother-shaped people.

I'm still trying to work out how that nets out at the mechanic's. I know we're supposed to be exploited terribly there, but I might just be dumb enough to fall for it. Because it sure sounds like they do free shit for me all the time.

Whatever. It's on me to sit down and learn more about cars. I'm not going to change how I dress one way or another.

wandered around until I found the big black guy

I am not even going to do anything other than nod.

There may have been some eyelash batting as well. But, it's not like he was actually looking at my face.

I've basically given up trying to control/exploit other peoples' perceptions of me, because most of the time I don't even grasp what they are until hours later ("oh, THAT'S why she/he was staring at me funny!"), and they seem to have more to do with that person than with me.