When it comes to parties that are including a lot of strangers, nothing sums up my feeling better than:

JOYCE: You should be at a good old-fashioned college, with keg parties and boys. Not here, with Hellmouths and vampires.

BUFFY: Not really seeing a huge distinction there...

It's very easy for me to feel trapped in parties, but mostly when it's with people I don't know and when I have to be there for a certain amount of time.

In other words: I doubt it would happen with you, people.

In other words: I doubt it would happen with you, people.

See, I can cheerfully ignore the shit out of people I don't know. Really, if they're flinging their messy emotions all over the places, my brain just categorizes that as, "Eh, fuck them. I don't owe them anything."

But with people I know and love, then it's the worst fucking thing in the world to be thinking "Oh my god I wish they would all SHUT UP AND GO AWAY AND STOP TOUCHING ME ESPECIALLY FROM BEHIND!" Because that's not the nicest thing to think about people you care about. And it's not that what they're doing is "wrong" in any sense of the word; it's that I can't cope with it.

But I don't feel bad when I can't cope with people I don't know and therefore don't give one single damn about. I feel bad -- like Tom said -- when I can't cope with people who I love, because it makes me feel guilty and like a big jackass buzzkill party pooper.

I totally understand, Steph. I'm not the same, but I understand.

Unfortunately, it gets complicated for introverts at the F2F. You see everyone having a good time, and your logical brain tells you you SHOULD be having a good time too. When your lizard brain tells you to back off, you don't want to listen to it. You don't want to tell anyone to back off, because you think you shouldn't need to -- you know what you're feeling is WRONG. And the more you feel you're wrong, the worse you feel, and it kind of spirals out of control from there.

While I have often felt that way at company Christmas parties and the like, I have to admit I've never felt that way at a Buffista F2F. I think it's because the level of acceptance I feel from our group is so encompassing of our differences that I know I'm not offending anyone if I have to bow out for a few minutes or bail early. There's no politics involved. There no wrong you can do, so doing what feels right is easy to do. That is so freeing. I wish I could make the Buffistas my business, then I'd never fear another company Christmas party ever!

it makes me feel guilty and like a big jackass buzzkill party pooper.

It makes me feel like a freak. "These are my people! Why can't I feel comfortable around them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!"

I end up trying way too hard and then toss and turn with anxiety all night long reliving all the stupid things I said and did.

I hate my brain.

It makes me feel like a freak. "These are my people! Why can't I feel comfortable around them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!"

I'm not comfortable with anyone. I just assume it is what it is, and it's not going to change.

What Tom Scola said. I don't do well in large groups of people, and I usually end up depressed. My worst experience these days in our Law Department's every-other-year meeting, where we're all expected to spend 2.5 days together catching up on what's going on as well as renewing (or making) acquaintances with attorneys in our district offices. (And it's far offsite to prevent us from spending half the day in our offices.)

I finally figured out how to strike the balance that works for me. I show up early-ish for the pre-meeting breakfast, where I say hello to whoever. On the way in, I scout out private places (including quiet corners of the parking lot) to spend breaks.

I hate my brain.

This is me.

This whole discussion is revelatory for me. I thought I was the only one! Seriously, I envy people like my sister C and my friend N, who seem at ease with everyone! It is incomprehensible to me how they do that.

Before I was properly medicated I used to take on the emotional identity of whoever I was with and then wonder how the hell that happened. I felt like I had a personality disorder and there was someone else controlling me at times.

Now, I realize it was exactly what has been discussed here. I just didn't know how to shield myself from it!

It makes me feel like a freak. "These are my people! Why can't I feel comfortable around them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!"

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but nothing is wrong with you. You just don't like crowds. A lot of people don't, despite what beer ads would have you believe.

You may notice I only went to one F2F despite loving my Buffistas. I don't enjoy crowds. In large parties, I have learned to try to find small conversations and concentrate on them, so the evening is a series of personal interactions. We can learn strategies to cope with situations which are uncomfortable, but I don't think it's possible to change our feelings about them.

As my therapist said to me (over and over and over, because it took me a long time to understand it) feelings aren't rational and don't respond to our attempt to argue or judge them away. You never have to change your feelings, you only have to change your actions so they are easier to deal with.