I totally understand, Steph. I'm not the same, but I understand.

Unfortunately, it gets complicated for introverts at the F2F. You see everyone having a good time, and your logical brain tells you you SHOULD be having a good time too. When your lizard brain tells you to back off, you don't want to listen to it. You don't want to tell anyone to back off, because you think you shouldn't need to -- you know what you're feeling is WRONG. And the more you feel you're wrong, the worse you feel, and it kind of spirals out of control from there.

While I have often felt that way at company Christmas parties and the like, I have to admit I've never felt that way at a Buffista F2F. I think it's because the level of acceptance I feel from our group is so encompassing of our differences that I know I'm not offending anyone if I have to bow out for a few minutes or bail early. There's no politics involved. There no wrong you can do, so doing what feels right is easy to do. That is so freeing. I wish I could make the Buffistas my business, then I'd never fear another company Christmas party ever!

it makes me feel guilty and like a big jackass buzzkill party pooper.

It makes me feel like a freak. "These are my people! Why can't I feel comfortable around them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!"

I end up trying way too hard and then toss and turn with anxiety all night long reliving all the stupid things I said and did.

I hate my brain.

It makes me feel like a freak. "These are my people! Why can't I feel comfortable around them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!"

I'm not comfortable with anyone. I just assume it is what it is, and it's not going to change.

What Tom Scola said. I don't do well in large groups of people, and I usually end up depressed. My worst experience these days in our Law Department's every-other-year meeting, where we're all expected to spend 2.5 days together catching up on what's going on as well as renewing (or making) acquaintances with attorneys in our district offices. (And it's far offsite to prevent us from spending half the day in our offices.)

I finally figured out how to strike the balance that works for me. I show up early-ish for the pre-meeting breakfast, where I say hello to whoever. On the way in, I scout out private places (including quiet corners of the parking lot) to spend breaks.

I hate my brain.

This is me.

This whole discussion is revelatory for me. I thought I was the only one! Seriously, I envy people like my sister C and my friend N, who seem at ease with everyone! It is incomprehensible to me how they do that.

Before I was properly medicated I used to take on the emotional identity of whoever I was with and then wonder how the hell that happened. I felt like I had a personality disorder and there was someone else controlling me at times.

Now, I realize it was exactly what has been discussed here. I just didn't know how to shield myself from it!

It makes me feel like a freak. "These are my people! Why can't I feel comfortable around them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!"

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but nothing is wrong with you. You just don't like crowds. A lot of people don't, despite what beer ads would have you believe.

You may notice I only went to one F2F despite loving my Buffistas. I don't enjoy crowds. In large parties, I have learned to try to find small conversations and concentrate on them, so the evening is a series of personal interactions. We can learn strategies to cope with situations which are uncomfortable, but I don't think it's possible to change our feelings about them.

As my therapist said to me (over and over and over, because it took me a long time to understand it) feelings aren't rational and don't respond to our attempt to argue or judge them away. You never have to change your feelings, you only have to change your actions so they are easier to deal with.

when I can't cope with people who I love, because it makes me feel guilty and like a big jackass buzzkill party pooper.

I feel so badly about this (and yes, I get that it isn't about me), because you (and everyone else who's mentioned this) is so awesome.

Would it help to think that you are making the crazy people happy by stepping back and being comfortable? Or am I being an condescending jackass?

Weirdly, I'm thinking... so many others feel the way I do, why aren't I more comfortable with them in person??? I'm pretty sure that's wrong. I doubt I'll ever make it to another F2F. The last one I attended broke me, and that makes me feel sad and inadequate. Anyone read Jack Ketchum's "The Box"? Horrible, horrible, effective story. I read it last night. This conversation makes me think of it.

Dishes are done and I have to take a nap before I do my seriously onerous project. But first, lunch for monkey bunnies. Man, they're a lot of work when they're home. I forget, despite having them to myself on Saturdays as well.