I hate my brain.

This is me.

This whole discussion is revelatory for me. I thought I was the only one! Seriously, I envy people like my sister C and my friend N, who seem at ease with everyone! It is incomprehensible to me how they do that.

Before I was properly medicated I used to take on the emotional identity of whoever I was with and then wonder how the hell that happened. I felt like I had a personality disorder and there was someone else controlling me at times.

Now, I realize it was exactly what has been discussed here. I just didn't know how to shield myself from it!

It makes me feel like a freak. "These are my people! Why can't I feel comfortable around them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!"

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but nothing is wrong with you. You just don't like crowds. A lot of people don't, despite what beer ads would have you believe.

You may notice I only went to one F2F despite loving my Buffistas. I don't enjoy crowds. In large parties, I have learned to try to find small conversations and concentrate on them, so the evening is a series of personal interactions. We can learn strategies to cope with situations which are uncomfortable, but I don't think it's possible to change our feelings about them.

As my therapist said to me (over and over and over, because it took me a long time to understand it) feelings aren't rational and don't respond to our attempt to argue or judge them away. You never have to change your feelings, you only have to change your actions so they are easier to deal with.

when I can't cope with people who I love, because it makes me feel guilty and like a big jackass buzzkill party pooper.

I feel so badly about this (and yes, I get that it isn't about me), because you (and everyone else who's mentioned this) is so awesome.

Would it help to think that you are making the crazy people happy by stepping back and being comfortable? Or am I being an condescending jackass?

Weirdly, I'm thinking... so many others feel the way I do, why aren't I more comfortable with them in person??? I'm pretty sure that's wrong. I doubt I'll ever make it to another F2F. The last one I attended broke me, and that makes me feel sad and inadequate. Anyone read Jack Ketchum's "The Box"? Horrible, horrible, effective story. I read it last night. This conversation makes me think of it.

Dishes are done and I have to take a nap before I do my seriously onerous project. But first, lunch for monkey bunnies. Man, they're a lot of work when they're home. I forget, despite having them to myself on Saturdays as well.

I think we should have an Introvert Seating at the next F2F -- in that seating,we could have laptops and stress-balls, tumblers of water for Xanax chugging.

No one talks or goes over there and you can just kinda chill, watch things if you want, and no one bugs you until you come out. And you can have Other Introvert speechless communication -- "I love these people, but they are LOUD and GRABBY!" eyebrow tilt, a "Dude, I KNOW. I just need 10 minutes" nod.

I am pretty extroverted, but when I am done with people, I am done, and I leave and go be somewhere for a while. This was an adjustment, moving in with Dan, until I figured out I CAN be up in my office for hours and he's okay with it. It took me a while of feeling like a surly, antisocial bitch before I finally got comfortable with it.

Tom, just because people are your tribe doesn't mean your personality changes magically. As you can see, you are NOT a freak -- you can love people to death and enjoy watching the shenanigans without needing to be in the midst of things.

How many people are saying "OMG, I thought I was the only one who felt that way!?" People react very differently to the same stimuli, and that's perfectly normal -- if there's anything teaching has taught me, it's that. Say the same thing in the same tone of voice to 5 different students, and you will get 5 different responses.

People's makeup's are all so widely varying. I like it; I like that people are different, I like hearing people talk about it because it makes me think, and I think it makes me a better person, friend and teacher, because I can then take that knowledge into consideration when I interact with different humans.

Everyone feels like an outsider, sometimes; everyone feels like a freak. You would only be a freak if you said NEVER felt weird! THAT there's some crazy talk.

I think we should have an Introvert Seating at the next F2F -- in that seating,we could have laptops and stress-balls, tumblers of water for Xanax chugging.

I was just thinking that!

I end up trying way too hard and then toss and turn with anxiety all night long reliving all the stupid things I said and did.

I do this! I am insanely social. I like to make sure everyone has met each other and knows each others' interests, stuff they have in common. I will talk to pretty much anyone about anything, invite random people to sit with me or a group I'm with.

And yet, I almost never call anyone to make plans with me because I think they have better things to do, or that they really don't want to hang out, but are just pitying me and being nice.

Everyone in the Introvert Corner can wear this t-shirt

Oh, how I love you people (in as grabby or non-grabby a way as you prefer).

I'm a cheerful introvert, partially due to nature and partially due to nurture. My sister and mother are both incredible extroverts who have the most incredibly mad flirting skills, so anytime I'd be around them, I'd fade into the wallpaper. No one ever noticed me when they were around. It's still true. I'll hang back and not ever introduce myself and just wait to be introduced, if I'm even remembered, because I figure if I was inherently interesting, then I'd be noticed. (Stoopit brayne.)

However, conversely, I can be rather social, I can function in large groups where I know people or where I have a reason to be there. (My idea of torture, however, is ask me to go into a room where I know no one and feel as if I have no reason to be there, and ask me to introduce myself to people. Just hand over the bamboo shoots and let me be done with it.)

Much as I can love the energy of a large group, though, it is exhausting and I'm often grateful to crawl back to my cave. And then I toss and turn and worry that I was stupid.

All things considered, I probably have the perfect temperament for a writer.

Tom! We love you when you have to leave too, you know! It doesn't switch off.

I can turn off a crowd with the greatest of ease. I can be alone anywhere. My sister had the obnoxious idea that she was going to force switched seating at her wedding reception, and fuck her, I just won't go. I love the look you got when she suggested that, Scola, like she was a mutant freak. Because she was. Her intent is to seat you with people you know for most of the reception, but force you to sit with someone new for at least part of that.

Sure, but I won't talk to them if I don't want to. I only feel mildly bad about that. I can talk to anyone, but I don't always have the energy.