It's funny - I've always thought of myself (and others have thought of me) as a very social creature, comfortable in crowds even when I don't know anyone. But starting at the SF2F, my brain just couldn't handle it and I freaked the fuck out. Thanks to pharmeceuticals (Ativan), I was able to get through it, but ever since then, larger parties and crowds freak me out to the point that, like La Tep, I have to medicate. At the time, I thougt it had to do with the huge emotional mess I was in at the time, but now I'm rethinking that. I've never had a clue as to what was "wrong" with me and it made me so sad that without some sort of chemical, I don't enjoy myself as much as I used to. It was such a huge part of my personality and to lose that feels like I lost a big part of the essence of me.
Reading this thread this morning, I feel like I have a reason for my odd-to-me behavior. So thank you, Tep and Andi for posting about this. And to those who also have a diffcult time in crowds, I am thankful to be in such company of awesome people. Maybe we can have our own corners and nod at each other with knowing and understanding.
Nonian, insent (as Hollaback Israel).
I am incredibly social person (yes, I know, shut up) and I can only imagine how hard it is in general, and how hard it is for you with the Buffistas. So many of us thrive on the social interaction that we forget that sometimes people need a break (I remember when Laura's DH came to his first F2F and I saw him sitting alone, so I went over to chat, and he was very amused that I was the 3rd person to come over to check on him to make sure that he wasn't feeling excluded. He was just overwhelmed :) )
All I can say is that I know that none of us want to make anyone feel uncomfortable, and I also know that we crazy people WILL respect your boundaries if you let us know, so please don't feel awkward about telling us to back off. And if someone doesn't, feel free to sic me on them (THE WRATH OF THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBIES!!!)
My shielding feels like being inside a giant prayer wheel. When things get to be too much, I can spin the wheel and be inside a very private place until it stops. I love prayer wheels for some reason, and prayer flags, the whole concept of a set-and-(almost)-forget continuous invocation and celebration of divinity.
it made me so sad that without some sort of chemical, I don't enjoy myself as much as I used to.
I should note that Ativan doesn't make me *enjoy* groups of people; it just helps me get through such things without ritually disemboweling myself.
Unfortunately, it gets complicated for introverts at the F2F. You see everyone having a good time, and your logical brain tells you you SHOULD be having a good time too. When your lizard brain tells you to back off, you don't want to listen to it. You don't want to tell anyone to back off, because you think you shouldn't need to -- you know what you're feeling is WRONG. And the more you feel you're wrong, the worse you feel, and it kind of spirals out of control from there.
it just helps me get through such things without ritually disemboweling myself.
Good thing, or you and I would find ourselves ritually disemboweling ourselves in the stairwell.
