So, I said a rosary tonight. Hadn't done that in a LONG time.

Tim's family is mostly Catholic, and his parents and one brother (and SiL) are VERY devout. So, Tim's dad felt that saying a rosary would ensure his mom's admittance to heaven.

And, I felt a little hypocritical at first, since I don't go to church any more, and the last time I went, it wasn't to a Catholic church, though I was raised and educated Catholic. Also, I believe his mom already has a reservation in heaven, for a room with a nice view of the woods. I don't for one moment think that she needs anyone's prayers to "get her into heaven."

But then I thought, shit, I think I'd cut a chicken's throat and practice Santeria if it would help comfort the family. It's not like I'm cancelling out the other prayers just because I said a rosary and might not actually believe it will do anything, and/or that I believe she's already on the express train to heaven. What I *do* believe in is comforting Tim's mom and the family. If saying the rosary will do that, well, my comfort and my love are genuine, and that's what matters most right now. So I don't feel bad about it.

That said, I *have* been praying; I just reached a point, after my stint in the freak-ass church, where my prayers are just me babbling at God, nothing formal like a rosary, no intermediaries, just me and my thoughts and occasional profanity. I'm good with that.

So. She's still in much the same condition as yesterday evening -- sleeping most of the time, she seems to be more or less comfortable, though she is having restless moments where she needs to shift position. (Though that makes sense, since she's in bed 24/7. Staying in position is neither comfortable nor a good idea.)

She has a few moments where she's alert, but not in a sit-up-and-have-a-chat way. She doesn't even really open her eyes, but she has moments where she'll respond to the person talking to her, in a few words or a phrase. And it's a response to the actual question or comment, not just randomly timed vocalizations.

Still, she doesn't have much longer. When I left there tonight I had this overwhelming feeling that she would die overnight. I don't know why.

The family is taking turns being there, including the grandkids (who are mostly 19 and older, so they're adults). Tim's dad is gradually coming to terms with the fact that she's going to die any day now, and he has moments where he has to leave the room so he doesn't lose it while he's with Tim's mom.

Everyone gets teary around her, and that's fine, but by "lose it," I mean sobbing and so forth, which we've all agreed to take to another room in order to keep things peaceful around her.

Tim is alternately a wreck and then the most stalwart son you could ever imagine. I realize I'm biased, but he is amazing. They all are, really. And I think they know how lucky they are to be able to help their mother die as peacefully as possible, with so much love it's palpable.

So, Tim's staying over there again tonight, and I'm back with the dogs, who gave me a break and decided to not poop all over the floor. I *hate* sleeping alone, and haven't been sleeping well any night Tim hasn't been here. But I don't begrudge him this time at all. I know that I get him every night, and will continue to for years and years and years. He *is* exhausting himself, and that concerns me, but I also know that he needs to be there.

I'm not nearly as tired as I thought I'd be, but I have to work tomorrow, so I'm going to chug some milk and ambien and hit the hay.

Uhhh...that trick never works. Especially within the stress zone of Just Changed Our Life Completely.

Not arguing with that! Mine is more a function of running out and not having a doctor yet. Tom's reasoning is that he doesn't like playing around with his brain and he doesn't think that the doctors know even wtf they are even doing.

He started phasing out BEFORE we moved, I tapered down in an effort to make my supply last as long as I could. I'm just lazy and overwhelmed and it makes me want to die before thinking about going through another intake.

But Tom went to a pretty good doctor last week who seems like she'd be amenable to continue prescribing stuff we had back in MA without a fuss.

I'll go in. Sometime this week or next. Getting the cats into the vet on Tuesday though!

cereal:

Oh, Steph. I'm so sorry- what a horribly sad and uncertain existence for everyone. I have you and Tim and Tim's mom in my thoughts.

Glad the dogs gave you a break tonight.

Oh, Steph. I'm so sorry- what a horribly sad and uncertain existence for everyone. I have you and Tim and Tim's mom in my thoughts.

Thank you, so much. I know I haven't been able to reply to every single post everyone has made with their thoughts and prayers, but I've read them, and it means SO SO SO MUCH to me.

It is sad -- Tim just broke my heart tonight when he said "I'm going to miss her SO much!" But it's still a really loving experience, if that doesn't sound too weird.

Tim just broke my heart tonight when he said "I'm going to miss her SO much!"

Yeah, this just made me cry. 'Cause that's what it comes down to, and it's so fucking hard. No matter how or why it goes down.

Unrelatedly (or maybe relatedly, I don't even know), I'm really craving beef. Specifically, stir-fry beef, or something very similar, texture- and cut-wise.

Obviously, since I live with a vegetarian, there is no beef in the house. I disapprove of this.

It is sad -- Tim just broke my heart tonight when he said "I'm going to miss her SO much!" But it's still a really loving experience, if that doesn't sound too weird.

No, it's not weird. We're not always lucky enough to be with our loved ones when they die. It is a gift, a rare space to be with somebody and let them know they are loved. It clarifies thing. It's like this mighty white flame that burns away all the bullshit. This is what is important. Our finite lives and the love we give.

I'm really craving beef.

You don't have a Steak-On-A-Stick franchise that delivers?

It is sad -- Tim just broke my heart tonight when he said "I'm going to miss her SO much!" But it's still a really loving experience, if that doesn't sound too weird.

I loved that I got to spend time with my mom's family during his last illness. He died surrounded by all his children and so many of his grandchildren. It was a loving and peaceful way to go. I hope for half as much when I shuffle off this mortal coil.

Tim just broke my heart tonight when he said "I'm going to miss her SO much!"

Yeah, this just made me cry. 'Cause that's what it comes down to, and it's so fucking hard. No matter how or why it goes down.

I know, right? We can say all the right things, and they are true -- she lived with and fought COPD for over 25 years, so the fact that she made it this long is incredible; she had a rich, fulfilling life and a loving husband and family; at least she won't be sick anymore; and even (for those who believe) she's with the Lord/in a better place.

All of that is true. But it doesn't change the fact that it sucks BALLS for everyone left behind. *We* don't get her anymore, and that is fucking WRONG.

(I am perhaps not the best at accepting things.)