Perkins offers ita some advice on workplace communications in Natter:

Perkins: Can you send out something like this:

Dear work people:

I know I have already received questions for counsel from several people, but I want to make sure I don't miss anything, so could you please email me the questions you would like me to ask counsel.

ita: That, with a wee bit of modification, may just work. Genius!

Perkins: You completely overhauled everything, didn't you?

ita: Well, for a start, I put in "literally" and some gender unspecific pronouns.

Other than that, verbatim.

In Bitches:

DavidS:

No, you're stubborn like that. You're going to be sixty-three and snapping at the new kid in the office, "It's spelled 'l-e-d-e'."

Steph L.:

You left out the part where I shake my cane menacingly at the new kid.

DavidS:

No, I expect by that point in the future you'll be cyborgishly melded to a Segway to get around. Sort of a crabby, grammar correcting, prescriptivist Segway Centaur.

Burrell, in Natter, offers comfort for those who STILL haven't watched that show with The Rapture looming:

There will still be time for the heathen to clean off their tivos.

Re: spilling coffee on a brand new computer.

Steph L.:

I ordered a keyboard protector right away, and it should be delivered in a couple of days.

Instead of being made of silicone, the keyboard protector is made of 100% IRONY.

Shir, in Bitches:

Dear Bureaucracy,

I think we've reached a point in our relationship where I'd like to have a safety word.

No love, Me

This needs to be Comm'd. Hec, in Natter:

I've been meaning to share two Emmett stories, one baseball, one Krav.

Krav: So they're doing a stress drill, with one person on the ground in a defensive posture (elbows up protecting head, knees up) and eight others are beating that person with punching pads. Then they collapse down on that person who needs to fight their way out. Teacher decides that they should ratchet up the stress levels with verbal abuse.

At first nobody says anything, but my 14 y.o. knows where to start on the guy on the ground.

[Side note: guy on the ground looks pretty much exactly like Gary - aka, 21 - on Venture Brothers.]

Emmett: "You suck!" ::whacks with pad::
LooksLikeGary: "Uhh...."
Emmett: "Your toes are hairy!" ::whack!::
Emmett: "What's with your stupid ponytail?!"
LooksLikeGary: "I like Steven Segal!"
Instructor: "?! Then Steven Segal your way out of this!"
LooksLikeGary: "I don't even know what that means!"
Emmett: ::whack!:: "Make shitty movies until you can crawl away!"

Baseball: So Emmett's joined a summer team and they have a tournament this weekend. They got their jerseys after last practice.

Emmett: "So...why does it say 'Genesis' on the front of the jerseys?"
Coach: "Uh. Well, we put in the order and told them the team's name wasn't decided yet so just to say 'Albany'.
Emmett: "So...why does it say 'Genesis'?
Coach: "Well, there was a mixup. They asked us what font to use and we told them to use Genesis font for the front. And they said, 'You want us to use Genesis on the front?' And we said, 'Yeah, Genesis on the front.'"
Me: "You're lucky your team's name isn't The Albany Comic Sans."
Matthew (Emmett's teammate): "We could've been the Albany Arial Black."

Erika, on writing a bio, in GWW:

I guess I could have put in that Hec thinks I'm as twisted and funny as a monkey in a crackhouse, cause really? That's as close as I've come to a review so far.ETA: I suppose all I can say is that I feel your pain...the bio statement makes me conscious of all the ways my real life isn't cool, and yet? I sort of resent those writers who go Full Metal Asshole on the subject and write that they were raised by haiku-writing wolves, because maybe I just want to pay you a compliment, dickweed. Not really have a meditation on how artificial the biographical statement is, and "Don't you hate these things?"(And yet, I do. But sometimes I think our generation will die of irony poisoning.)

Cass in Bureau:

We're very pedantic. And I like that about us.

Hil in Bitches (something about this just cracks me up to no end):

My grandmother's will said that, if she died before her husband, then her husband would inherit almost everything, but her jewelry and china would go directly to her daughters. She was convinced that her husband was going to marry a 19-year-old shiksa who would take the jewelry and china. Since then, most of the other women in the family have put the 19-year-old-shiksa-clause into their wills. My mom was working on her will and asked my sister if she wanted the china, and my sister said no, it's not really her style. Then she asked me, and I said the same thing. So she sighed and said, "I guess the 19-year-old shiksa can have the china after all."

Raq in Lit:

So if I want to start a "Book Tropes" website for APSE [Awkward Pang of Simmering Dissatisfaction] and other things, do I need to stage a pseudo-cide here first?