I'm still tattoo shopping, and this one is pretty freaking awesome: [link]

So how to push to do stuff, without sounding cold and uncaring for the cat.

You tap the Buffista hivemind for sick cat tips, then call her and say "I mentioned to a friend that your cat wasn't well, and he suggested ______ I can bring some over and we could watch a movie, if you like."

It sounds shitty, but part of me thinks that it's unfair that she's dumping all of this on me when there are plenty of other people that she can rely on (like, my brother or her best friend).

That's not shitty at all. It seems completely realistic.

I wonder why her focus has shifted to you, rather than your brother and her friend.

I know it is hard, but I can't see tolerating comments like, "I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way that you treat me" without saying (in my head only, of course) Great! I'll introduce you to MY worst enemy. You might just get along.

Emotional manipulation is so unfair and never seems to be resolved by going along with it.

My response when she makes statements like that is "okay".

What I want to say is "Really? Well, I wouldn't put up with this crap from anyone but my mother, so I guess we're even"

She said once "do you treat your friends the way you treat me?" I did not respond "my friends don't act the way that you do, and if they did, I would treat them much worse than you claim that I'm treating you."

Snowpocalypse '09: [link]

Chloe demonstrates how much snow we got (she is NOT a small dog): [link]

That right there is the coolest black and white tattoo I've ever seen. Fabulous concept and execution.

Vortex, do you think maybe, given how close you were with your Dad, that you remind her more of him than any other family member?

It's rough, and it's not fair to you. I wish there was a solution.

Vortex, if this is out of line, feel free to give me a smack down. It sounds to me like your mother is trying very hard to warp your relationship into an addicted/codependent relationship. It is all too possible to have these roles even in situations where there is no substance abuse or other, external addictions. I do not have quite a handle on whether or not she wants to be in the role of the addicted (possibly addicted to you, as opposed to any substance), and she expects you to take on the role of codependent. Or perhaps she wants it to be the other way around, that you would be addicted to the relationship with her and she would be the codependent. But my feeling is that there will be some useful strategies for dealing with this form of manipulation, and for not taking up the burdon of toxic guilt that is being laid out so grandly for your shoulders, in the coping skills that are taught to codependents.

"do you treat your friends the way you treat me?"

"My friends don't ask me questions like that or question whether or not I care about them." (At this point, silence becomes your friend. What's she got to push back against?)

Years ago, I had a boss who spoke to me like that. Seriously, not even a family member. One day, I turned around and without any anger said,"You know, when people in my family said stuff like that to me, they meant it. I sure hope you don't." And I walked away.

She was completely gobsmacked and dramatically reduced the insults. Later, I realized that the shitty dialog was the way her family connected. They belittled each other for lack of any better tool. This realization didn't make me like it any better, but it totally took the personal onus off of it. "OH!" I said to my self,"That's just what she does. Hmm. Must suck to be her."

It sounds shitty, but part of me thinks that it's unfair that she's dumping all of this on me when there are plenty of other people that she can rely on (like, my brother or her best friend).

As others have said, it *is* unfair, but family can do things to you that you'd never take from friends. My family, as you have probably noticed, consists mostly of people whom I would never spend five minutes with unless we were locked in the same holding cell. My mother is a great person in many ways, but she is a champion in the "no-win" category and a runner-up in emotional manipulation. I bless the 280 miles between us.

I wish I had some advice that worked, because I doubt that your mother really wants to become like mine, a person with years of almost no life outside her family. I think all you can do is to try to hold firmly to your own life, something I wish I had done more of. Just remember: she's the crazy one.