Vortex, if this is out of line, feel free to give me a smack down. It sounds to me like your mother is trying very hard to warp your relationship into an addicted/codependent relationship. It is all too possible to have these roles even in situations where there is no substance abuse or other, external addictions. I do not have quite a handle on whether or not she wants to be in the role of the addicted (possibly addicted to you, as opposed to any substance), and she expects you to take on the role of codependent. Or perhaps she wants it to be the other way around, that you would be addicted to the relationship with her and she would be the codependent. But my feeling is that there will be some useful strategies for dealing with this form of manipulation, and for not taking up the burdon of toxic guilt that is being laid out so grandly for your shoulders, in the coping skills that are taught to codependents.

"do you treat your friends the way you treat me?"

"My friends don't ask me questions like that or question whether or not I care about them." (At this point, silence becomes your friend. What's she got to push back against?)

Years ago, I had a boss who spoke to me like that. Seriously, not even a family member. One day, I turned around and without any anger said,"You know, when people in my family said stuff like that to me, they meant it. I sure hope you don't." And I walked away.

She was completely gobsmacked and dramatically reduced the insults. Later, I realized that the shitty dialog was the way her family connected. They belittled each other for lack of any better tool. This realization didn't make me like it any better, but it totally took the personal onus off of it. "OH!" I said to my self,"That's just what she does. Hmm. Must suck to be her."

It sounds shitty, but part of me thinks that it's unfair that she's dumping all of this on me when there are plenty of other people that she can rely on (like, my brother or her best friend).

As others have said, it *is* unfair, but family can do things to you that you'd never take from friends. My family, as you have probably noticed, consists mostly of people whom I would never spend five minutes with unless we were locked in the same holding cell. My mother is a great person in many ways, but she is a champion in the "no-win" category and a runner-up in emotional manipulation. I bless the 280 miles between us.

I wish I had some advice that worked, because I doubt that your mother really wants to become like mine, a person with years of almost no life outside her family. I think all you can do is to try to hold firmly to your own life, something I wish I had done more of. Just remember: she's the crazy one.

Vortex, my relationship with S became very much like that (and to some extent still is). Not that I have any good advice, but if you ever want to talk about it, my inbox is always open.

part of me thinks that it's unfair that she's dumping all of this on me when there are plenty of other people that she can rely on (like, my brother or her best friend).

I'm inclined to agree with that part of you. If your mother choses to only connect with you, and then says that the connection is insufficient, she's choosing to engage in a relationship that makes her unhappy. It's not your fault that she's lost her husband, and its not your fault that she's not engaging with other people. I don't know her (or you, really), but I've watched my dad adjust to losing his wife of 48 years. He flailed around for a while getting his emotional balance back and drove me and my sister nuts for a while. And he wasn't even being a jerk about it, just needy.

Not that this provides any answers. Sorry. I hope your mother finds an emotional balance point that she and you can live with, soon.

I'm nodding like a bobblehead at what everybody is saying here. First and foremost, you are not over-reacting to anything. Windsparrow's right, your mom *is* trying to change the dynamic between you, to something she feels she needs, and in doing so she is completely disregarding your needs and your feelings.

Would you accept and acquiesce to this behavior from an aquaintance? A friend? I doubt it.

She is probably not going to change, unless she has some sort of epiphany and seeks counseling. Which puts the responsibility for your mental health and how you handle the relationship squarely on you. She's probably going to act badly no matter what you do. So the best you can do is be as kind as you can manage and still retain your own equilibrium.

And I love you and I'm sorry you're going through this.

::murmering for the hundredth time...Beverly is wise::

Bev is very wise.

It's a very tough position to be in -- I've watched my mom go through this with my grandmother forever. She's an only child, too, which makes it tough. I'm sorry, Vortex.

You know my hope is that Iris will battle Mal for the privilege of being Master Tigress, and I won't have to keep calling my son a gender-bending furry.

She's going for Dragon Warrior. (of course) So Tigress Mal can keep on keepin' on. At least for now.

Ooh! I meant to say that I am totally and completely in love with that tattoo, Raq. I've always toyed with the idea of having one, but never found a design I thought I would be happy with forever. I outgrow things, and whatever design I love today I might be bored with after awhile.

But that? That is gorgeous and beautiful and if I ever did decide to get a tattoo, I'd certainly consider something similar.