You know, I'm really tired of this whole thin=healthy thing. And the "acceptable" level of thinness keeps going down. I'm fat. I've come to terms with that. But! the last time the doctor took my blood pressure, it was 110/78. My cholesterol level is excellent. I'm taking care of myself. My arteries are squeaky clean (I have pictures! I can prove it!) But I'm never going to be thin. Last time I came even close, I did so by consumine about 800 calories a day and exercising strenuously three to five times a week. Forget that. I'm going to be as healthy as I can manage.

ronically, my father - skinniest man alive (when he was alive) - died at the age of 57 of a stroke. He'd probably had a series of minor strokes before the last one. I'm 56 and I've had a stroke - walked away from it with almost no damage - and I learned my lesson and I'm taking care of myself. But thin!=healthy. snarl.

Those who have met me might be greatly surprised

I'm not, but then (for perhaps obvious reasons) I don't buy into the big lie of OMGFATKILLZ!!!!

t edit x-posty with Todd the wise.

And the "acceptable" level of thinness keeps going down.

You know what? I'm so over it. I would literally have to have a wasting disease to be a single-digit size. I'm healthy, I'm happy, my boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful and sexy, so I see no need to continue the self-loathing for not being a size 4.

Don't get me wrong; I still have body-image demons. But even they have changed. I've started referring to myself as fat, because, duh. I am fat. It's a descriptor. When someone refers to themselves as thin, or short, or tall, no one says, "Don't SAY that! *You're* not SHORT! You're just...not as tall as other people!"

But if you refer to yourself as fat in front of other people, the reaction is verbatim (it's like people with fat friends got a membership packet with a list of What To Say To Your Fat Friend): "Don't SAY that! You're not *fat*....you're just....[fill in the blank with some lame attempt to mitigate friend's fatness]."

No, seriously. I'm fat. And? Like Nora said yesterday, it's not a value judgment; it's a descriptor. I'm blonde, nearsighted, and fat.

("Don't SAY that! You're not nearsighted, you just don't see faraway things as well as other people....")

t /rant over; back to work

I have great BP and cholesterol levels. My doctors are concerned about my weight because of the diabetes that runs in my family (like MOST members of my dad's side of the family have diabetes). I'd rather not add diabetes to my list of health conditions, so I work on it. And I think it's working because I'm down a dress size, and my tops I wore last summer are huge on me.

{{{{Deena}}}} You are no wimp. I won't say how brave you are - cuz, ewww, how f*ing American Greetings - but none of the roles you take on, head on, in life are coward's work.

Wow. Barb, that's just maddening. Really, really maddening. I just. Wow. Also, can I ask, do you include any Spanglish or Spanish in your writing? My thesis buddy wrote her thesis on that, and I'd love to tell her about another writer. Also, could you e-mail me your full name. I really want to get one of your books to read.

Thanks, vw-- and to answer your question, yeah, I use Spanish, both full phrases and dropped in words (one of my favorite reviews ever came from a fifteen year old who complained that I hadn't included a dictionary of terms in the book-- guess reading within context was too taxing for the wee lamb). And the name I write under is Caridad Ferrer and the two books pubbed are Adiós to My Old Life (in which ironically, some idiot proofreader decided it was a good idea to change all my Spanish phrases without telling me about it) and It's Not About the Accent.

ION, this is probably a day I should spend away from blogs and such-- the stupid is enraging me and making me want to answer in Not Nice Ways.

Teppy, I feel you on that. For me, "fat" is just a buzzword, because of the inflection/value judgment that people use, i.e. "she's pretty, but she's fat " Yes, it is a descriptor, but (for me) one that is laden with baggage. I'm working on it. Issues. Carry on. Bygones.

Yes, it is a descriptor, but (for me) one that is laden with baggage.

Don't get me wrong; I think that the majority of people who use the word "fat" use it as a pejorative. And that includes fat people. But I decided -- and it was REALLY hard mental work -- to stop referring to myself in a manner that's meant to imply something shameful, bad, or wrong. It's hard to take a word that's so laden with judgment and use it in a neutral manner.

And one of the only ways that I can tell that I'm successful in using it in a neutral manner (i.e., as merely a descriptor) is other people's reactions to me. Because they don't know how to respond to me using the word "fat" without it meaning "disgusting, shameful, badbadbad." I just get these looks, the occasional nervous titter, and then the quick change o' subject.

Plus I think my attitude when I use the word "fat" makes a big difference. Instead of "Well, I'd think about taking fencing lessons if I weren't so [mumblemumble] fat...." [foot shuffle, refusal to make eye contact], I say things like, "You know, it turns out that being fat is an advantage in skiing, because I can really carve the hell out of those turns." [smile, indicate turn-carving hip movement]

Fucks with people every. single. time.

Okay, and another way that I can tell that I've succeeded at using "fat" as a value-neutral descriptor is that when I say "fat" to refer to myself, I don't cringe inwardly. It's just another word.

We got back home at 2:30 a.m. Pumpkin woke up at 6:17 a.m., so I got less than four hours of sleep. And tonight I meet CBD's family. Hopefully I can squeeze in a nap, although, I feel ok right now.

oh I feel your pain! I flew into Chicago on Friday night and we slept there before going to Michigan so I could meet Chicago Bob's people. Unfortunately his place backs up to a train station that they were working on OVERNIGHT on Friday. With several jackhammers and other machines of very loud noise (the worst was the beepbeepbeep of a truck in reverse that kept waking me up because I thought it was the alarm). So 4 hours sleep tops before meeting the boyfriend's folks. EEP! BUT! It all went well! They seemed to like me. And I'm sure the same will be true for you, vw!

(in love with the awesomeness that is Tep)

(in love with the awesomeness that is Tep)

Don't get me wrong (which seems to be my overused phrase o'the day) -- I'm sure that, for instance, when I see my Big Giant Torso on the billboard, I'll be struck with "OMG I'm ENORMOUS!!!" and feel bad.

I've made progress with the whole body image thing, but it ain't iron-clad, I tell you what.