Hey, man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity!

Oz ,'Bring On The Night'


The Great Write Way, Act Three: Where's the gun?

A place for Buffistas to discuss, beta and otherwise deal and dish on their non-fan fiction projects.


Barb - Aug 29, 2008 7:22:10 am PDT #823 of 6681
“Not dead yet!”

Thanks Wolfram-- I wasn't nuts about "disappearing" either, but I couldn't, in that moment, come up with the right word. I'm hoping a better one comes to me as I polish and tweak.


Wolfram - Aug 29, 2008 7:25:34 am PDT #824 of 6681
Visilurking

I couldn't come up with a better word either, or I would have made the suggestion. Besides, I don't have a very large, uh, command-of-lots-of-word-thingie.


juliana - Aug 29, 2008 7:27:06 am PDT #825 of 6681
I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I miss them all tonight…

almost subsumed?

fading below?

running below?


Barb - Aug 29, 2008 7:36:09 am PDT #826 of 6681
“Not dead yet!”

Oooh... fading. I like that. Something like that at any rate.


Ginger - Aug 29, 2008 8:10:12 am PDT #827 of 6681
"It didn't taste good. It tasted soooo horrible. It tasted like....a vodka martini." - Matilda

Very evocative. Also, now I'm hungry.

What about "the happy sound of the gently cascading water a background to the equally happy sounds of conversation?"

Those winter scenes, filled with snow and bare-limbed trees and length shadows—to me, the only thing they had appeared to represent was death.

The word death bothers me here. That seems strong for a child's memory.

It's long rather than length shadows, but you would have caught that.


Barb - Aug 29, 2008 8:12:21 am PDT #828 of 6681
“Not dead yet!”

Actually, I think I might have meant lengthy

And she's remembering it through the veil of young adulthood as well, not just childhood-- maybe there's a way to make that clearer.


Barb - Aug 29, 2008 8:14:43 am PDT #829 of 6681
“Not dead yet!”

How about this?

Those winter scenes, filled with snow and bare-limbed trees and lengthy shadows—as a child, they'd felt so desolate and lonely. As I'd grown older and learned about the cycle of seasons, more and more, they seemed to represent death. A pretty cover for a world that had to rejuvenate, whereas the paradise where I lived was constantly renewing itself, never allowing itself to fall into such a state.


Ginger - Aug 29, 2008 8:16:00 am PDT #830 of 6681
"It didn't taste good. It tasted soooo horrible. It tasted like....a vodka martini." - Matilda

I like that. "Death" just kind of stopped me before, since the rest sounded like a childhood memory.


Typo Boy - Aug 29, 2008 8:24:25 am PDT #831 of 6681
Calli: My people have a saying. A man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.Avon: Life expectancy among your people must be extremely short.

Fascinating watching the process of wrestling with something like this. Though you might not believe it from my verbose tendencies I was trained to be over-concise - the fewest words were best. Watching you polish by adding words to make it clearer, and improving the emotional tone as a result. So contrary to the "always cut, never add" that was pounded into my head. And a living demonstration of how wrong it was, at least the extreme version I was taught.


Wolfram - Aug 29, 2008 8:58:31 am PDT #832 of 6681
Visilurking

Brevity is my strongest and weakest aspect in writing. I also prefer less words to more, but now it's a chore to add any words at all. My initial stories are two sentences. Then I have to add from there.