The only thing I hate about Vampire People is that I couldn't think of it first! Oh, and maybe that my Nilly story isn't in it.

Erika when you start feeling like a worthless loser, you have to know rationally it is not justified. Which does not help much I know, cause it is not the rational part of it that feels that way. But maybe talking about it would help.

Or maybe it would not. Some of us are more talky meat than others. But you know sometimes I talk pretty me-me-me not out of any belief I'm superior, but out of being deeply insecure. And I'd hate to think anyone I thought I was being a pain in the ass who thinks he's better than everyone else instead of a pain in the ass struggling with self-loathing. Though I hope not too much of a pain in the ass.

Yeah, although I totally admit that book was also not ready for its closeup.(But, no, that didn't stop me from mentally spending the prize money, either.) So, it's not that I don't get that kind of thing. I do. Maybe that's part of my irritation.

And I get insulted every time you post how you are so much more talented than everyone here.

Umm, I'm not sure what posts you're reading, but I've never read anything from Susan that even remotely approaches a statement like that. (Also, I don't even want to repost the rest of your paragraph, but seriously?)

Really? Fine. I'm crazy. (And apparently needing to go practice my sweet-and-vulnerable face.)

It pings something in me where I feel pretty awful about having an agent, getting published, and having a a crumb of success on my first out.

I know that Susan isn't kicking me, and the ping is my issue, not hers, because it's my issue that I feel undeserving, talentless, like it was all a big mistake. Issue is totally mine.

Susan's lament doesn't have anything to do with me, I know. I know she doesn't begrudge me or anyone else in the room.

I just sometimes think that there are a ton of people who have written awesome shit that blows me out of the water who deserved the joy of a book signing.

That's where the post hit me. But I really know that the horrible ping wasn't Susan's intent. I swear. I know.

It doesn't make sense. No real logic in it. But there it is.

Erika, not crazy. Super-talented too (from what I read). Just way off-base on this.

You're all unbelievably talented writers. I mean that. Susan, Barb, Allyson, Erika, Typo, Sail Aweigh, et al. When it comes to commercial success, it's talent, skill, persistence and luck. You can be born with the first, acquire and hone the second, break your head for years on the third, but there's no accounting for that last fickle bitch.

I typed a lot, deleted it, then read what Wolfram just said. I agree completely.

Thanks Wolfram. And maybe I really am a worse person than everyone else here. Because very occasionally I do feel a flicker of envy begrudging the published non-fiction writers on the list their having what I want. It does not last long, and never actually believe it. It is not one of my big demons; I can crush it quickly like Buffy crushing a fear demon. But it is there, and I do have to take the time to stomp it occasionally. And I know that Allyson occasionally gets assholes who attack her for her work. I suspect they have much bigger versions of the same demon, without the ability to recognize it or deal with it.

I'm not sure what to say or how to say it, but I swear it's never been my intention to act like I thought I was better than anyone else here. If anything, I'm awed by the amount of brilliance in this group. I loved Vampire People. I couldn't write anything like it in a million years, which makes me all the more impressed with Allyson's accomplishment. And that dance piece of Barb's the other day...I only wish I could describe action that well. I'm sure I could come up with many more examples if I searched back through the thread--those are just the two that come most immediately to mind.

I do tend to be a talky meat sort of person, and maybe I need to work on that if it's making me come across as more me-me-me and/or arrogant than I intend. I know I've vented about struggles and stresses of the writing process here, mostly because I felt like it was a safe place, unlike most of the other writing-related forums I'm on where I feel like I need to maintain my game face at all times. And maybe that was a mistake, but I swear I never meant to step on anyone's toes or do anything but vent over my own stresses and insecurities. When it comes to non-venting writing talk...well, I do tend to think that my WIP and the history that's driving my alternative history are about the coolest things in the world, and I'm often bubbling over with the urge to talk about them in a Wellington-likes-carrots sort of way. But I also know that's just my own personal obsession talking. I don't expect anyone to share it, though I'd love it if I can communicate some of my excitement.