erika, it has never been my intention (or my belief) to say that I'm more talented than everyone here, and I honestly don't see what in my post from today or any of my posts from before gave that impression.

Today in particular I wasn't even talking about anyone here--it was my reaction to something that happened on another list. I came here to vent specifically because I didn't want to offer anything *there* but my heartfelt congratulations. And I wasn't comparing myself to those writers--I couldn't if I wanted to, because I haven't read their stuff.

And I get insulted every time you post how you are so much more talented than everyone here.

I must have missed when she said that.

Ok, so she didn't. Today. That's what I get for letting things fester, I suppose. But that's definitely the feeling I get, a lot of the time. I've entered contests and lost too, and it didn't suck less for me. In fact, I felt like such a worthless loser that there wasn't a point about posting it.

Oh and Allyson, I hope when I confessed to envy of your talent and success it is not because your success is not deserved. Vampire People I think is likely to become classic, one of the best collections of personals essays either. If I revealed that an occasional envious though passes through my head, I was indulging in the Buffista habit of talking too much about personal problems. If one of my internal demons set off one of your internal demons I'm deeply sorry.

The only thing I hate about Vampire People is that I couldn't think of it first! Oh, and maybe that my Nilly story isn't in it.

Erika when you start feeling like a worthless loser, you have to know rationally it is not justified. Which does not help much I know, cause it is not the rational part of it that feels that way. But maybe talking about it would help.

Or maybe it would not. Some of us are more talky meat than others. But you know sometimes I talk pretty me-me-me not out of any belief I'm superior, but out of being deeply insecure. And I'd hate to think anyone I thought I was being a pain in the ass who thinks he's better than everyone else instead of a pain in the ass struggling with self-loathing. Though I hope not too much of a pain in the ass.

Yeah, although I totally admit that book was also not ready for its closeup.(But, no, that didn't stop me from mentally spending the prize money, either.) So, it's not that I don't get that kind of thing. I do. Maybe that's part of my irritation.

And I get insulted every time you post how you are so much more talented than everyone here.

Umm, I'm not sure what posts you're reading, but I've never read anything from Susan that even remotely approaches a statement like that. (Also, I don't even want to repost the rest of your paragraph, but seriously?)

Really? Fine. I'm crazy. (And apparently needing to go practice my sweet-and-vulnerable face.)

It pings something in me where I feel pretty awful about having an agent, getting published, and having a a crumb of success on my first out.

I know that Susan isn't kicking me, and the ping is my issue, not hers, because it's my issue that I feel undeserving, talentless, like it was all a big mistake. Issue is totally mine.

Susan's lament doesn't have anything to do with me, I know. I know she doesn't begrudge me or anyone else in the room.

I just sometimes think that there are a ton of people who have written awesome shit that blows me out of the water who deserved the joy of a book signing.

That's where the post hit me. But I really know that the horrible ping wasn't Susan's intent. I swear. I know.

It doesn't make sense. No real logic in it. But there it is.