I hear ya, Connie. I know that with me, it's been a combination of the book being cancelled, which was just such a huge blow emotionally, coupled with the fact that I let my last agent's comments worm their way into my brain along with the collective (lack of) wisdom of the publishing industry. All those "shoulds" and "have tos" that whisper insidiously along with the "I wonder if 'they' will like it" with no idea who the amorphous they really is/are.

In other words, I need to go back to writing for myself and only myself. It's when I was happiest.

But can you really do that, though? Because I already feel like I'm different than the writing hobbyist I used to be, and I bet I don't have the writing output that you do...not that you can't find fun in writing, but in some ways, isn't wishing that like wanting to go back to high school? (Maybe it's not...I'm asking, not being Devil's Advocate Gal.)

Go ahead, be Devil's Advocate Gal. I like it. And it makes me think. No, I can't really go back to that, because it's a whole different ball game for me now that writing's not just as an avocation but my vocation as well. It's impossible for me to go all the way back to the way it was and frankly, I'm too proud of what I've accomplished since then to completely regress.

I guess what I really want is to at least be able to recapture that feeling where it was just me in the writing bubble, you know? I know I was able to do that even up until the last couple of manuscripts, which were the ones where the other voices started intruding.

You know what I mean?

I keep getting good reviews for things, and it should feel like encouragement, but instead I feel like "I don't know how I did that, I don't think I can recreate that kind of work, laurels are comfy, right?"

Yeah, I get it. And your confidence got shaken with the book deal not happening too. I'm getting cursed for all the times, as a total noob, I wished for "just a little feedback" and hand-holding.Because one of my editors wants me to revise a story I didn't care about during the second revision a third fucking time. And even if I kill it, even if I feel the spirit of Flannery O'Connor enter my body during the revision process, getting it right will just mean a tiny pittance I can't even think of in hourly terms and a story that will sink like a rock. I'm so tempted to ask him to like me less, but lucky me, I get the Duckie Dale of zine editors, the only person who is a bigger loser in the media world than I am. And apparently he wants me to revise so you can read my story right after coma rehab; as much as I hate revisions, I really hate revising so that my work can be read by the most literal-minded, non-attention-paying asshole with an internet connection. I mean, it probably always is, but that doesn't mean I like to think about it that way.

I did a real quick outline of my chapters to still revise and used my current average chapter length. If I can stick to it, I'll have 50 chapters (nice even number) and 115k words. That would be perfect if all future revisions were word count neutral. I think they might be as well, I need more detail and I'm sure I'll lose words from tightening things up.

That's kinda encouraging. 115k would be 63k words less than the rough draft.

I want to really remember what it was like to love writing like that again.

I still feel that when I'm brainstorming a new book. And if a scene is moving well, then I can feel it, too. But it's not an always thing by any means.

I'm really enjoying it, even though I'm mired in revision. It feels like a fun hobby and not a very expensive one at that.

I still feel that when I'm brainstorming a new book.

Why is new work always so much easier to be passionate about than current work? Maybe it's because the latter is actually, well, work. But I'd like to hang on to the 'greatness of the idea' moments that the beginning of inspiration holds.

yeah, wrod.