I keep getting good reviews for things, and it should feel like encouragement, but instead I feel like "I don't know how I did that, I don't think I can recreate that kind of work, laurels are comfy, right?"

Yeah, I get it. And your confidence got shaken with the book deal not happening too. I'm getting cursed for all the times, as a total noob, I wished for "just a little feedback" and hand-holding.Because one of my editors wants me to revise a story I didn't care about during the second revision a third fucking time. And even if I kill it, even if I feel the spirit of Flannery O'Connor enter my body during the revision process, getting it right will just mean a tiny pittance I can't even think of in hourly terms and a story that will sink like a rock. I'm so tempted to ask him to like me less, but lucky me, I get the Duckie Dale of zine editors, the only person who is a bigger loser in the media world than I am. And apparently he wants me to revise so you can read my story right after coma rehab; as much as I hate revisions, I really hate revising so that my work can be read by the most literal-minded, non-attention-paying asshole with an internet connection. I mean, it probably always is, but that doesn't mean I like to think about it that way.

I did a real quick outline of my chapters to still revise and used my current average chapter length. If I can stick to it, I'll have 50 chapters (nice even number) and 115k words. That would be perfect if all future revisions were word count neutral. I think they might be as well, I need more detail and I'm sure I'll lose words from tightening things up.

That's kinda encouraging. 115k would be 63k words less than the rough draft.

I want to really remember what it was like to love writing like that again.

I still feel that when I'm brainstorming a new book. And if a scene is moving well, then I can feel it, too. But it's not an always thing by any means.

I'm really enjoying it, even though I'm mired in revision. It feels like a fun hobby and not a very expensive one at that.

I still feel that when I'm brainstorming a new book.

Why is new work always so much easier to be passionate about than current work? Maybe it's because the latter is actually, well, work. But I'd like to hang on to the 'greatness of the idea' moments that the beginning of inspiration holds.

yeah, wrod.

Annoying revisions are now done...do I know how to rock Saturday night or what? I only stuck to my guns about one change, but I'm totally never going to do that one, and that's just it. The rest kind of made it more boring, but from a logical standpoint, I guess they matter, if someone reads that far in the first place, of which I'm still never convinced(/Affleck-as-Olbermann) But I'm willing to fight for my little shred of metaphor...I don't do a lot of flourishes so if I put it in three times, I think I like it, right? I'm sure you feel me on this.

I need to clean up 21 now. Well, "clean up", is a relative term, I'm at least two revisions out from being done. Anyhow, I'm at the read through stage of 22. I stuffed in a lot into 22 while keeping it in line with my target word count. The next few chapters should be fun though 23 will be a bit of a challenge I have a lot of stuff to fit in.

I expect I will run over my target in the next few chapters, but I think I have too many words allocated for some of the following chapters so it will balance out.

I got a message from beta exchange person 1. She's probably not going to do much until the end of November. Considering so far she's beta'd 3 of my chapters in the last 2 1/2 months it will literally be 2012 before she's done. Meanwhile I've beta'd essentially four versions of chapter 1 for her. I have a feeling this is going to be less that useful. Beta exchange person number 2 is great though, I know some of her comments are going to help me with my second revision.

I think I chose a good place for beta reading and exchange. Sometimes I've wondered if the second revision would be the right time for that, but I think I'd just not improve much between 1st and 2nd. I think I'll have a better idea of what I need to do in the next revision now.

Also listening to my story on my commute has made me realize I have a lot of work to do. Things that I didn't pick up on while reading are popping out to me while listening. Especially when I use the same word two or three times right next to each other. That really grates when listening.