It's hard to believe that hiding your feelings from your sister is going to be what's best for you

That's a very good point. I do think a cooling off period is a good idea for me right now. PMS might be a factor in how upset I am at the moment.

I think he has to respect me because I'm his family.

Laga, I wish that were so, but I have to disagree.

Your blood family doesn't even *have* to respect you just because of the shared DNA. Family may give each other the benefit of the doubt more easily, perhaps because of a long shared history that provides a context for actions/beliefs which might otherwise lead to a loss of respect.

But still -- if my mom, or my brother (who I adore more than almost anyone in this world) did something massively assheaded and insisted it was a commendable thing they did, and intended to keep doing it, I would feel no compunction to respect them for that, just because we share DNA.

Take one step further to in-laws, like your sister's asshat husband. Just because he married into your family doesn't mean he has to respect you. And I might add -- it goes both ways. It surely sounds to me like *he* is most definitely NOT deserving of *your* respect. I mean, just because he married into your family, are you saying that *you* ought to respect *him*?

Because I think your statement --

I think he has to respect me because I'm his family.

has to work both ways (i.e., if he has to respect *you* for no other reason than marrying into your family, then it's a little unfair of you to not adhere to the same criterion).

When it comes to family, respect isn't automatically granted no matter what the person's behavior. At least, not in my family. Maybe that makes us heartless beasts, but I don't think so.

I don't mean to come off as lecture-y -- you're in a really tough position, and it sucks, and I really feel for you. I just wanted to throw in my .02, as is my wont.

Cooling off is good. But it might be good to keep some regular contact with sister after that period, just so asshole does not succeed in cutting her off from entire family, isolating her, and really be in a position to become physically abusive.

Cooling off is good. But it might be good to keep some regular contact with sister after that period, just so asshole does not succeed in cutting her off from entire family, isolating her, and really be in a position to become physically abusive.

Very much this.

How worried should I be? Once she was in a relationship with another total sponge but during one argument he pushed her and she ended it right there. I feel like that is the one bit of assholery she would never tolerate. And when asshate thought he had lost Meg he turned to our sister-in-law for advice. (Turns out Suz's advice was what prompted the apology-writing-campaign.) I hope this is not the behavior of a victim or an abuser. On the other hand I sure don't want to risk it. On the third hand she has other people she can turn to. On the fourth hand she's not talking to any of us. Gha! I'm rambling when I should be working. Work sounds good. Right now I will do that.

I think he has to respect me because I'm his family.

There are members of my family that I don't honestly respect. All I have to do is be polite. If I am not that, there can be an issue. But so long as I am polite, that's really all that can be asked, I think.

I am sorry you are in such a rough situation, Laga.

{{{Laga}}} Much wisdom already poured out here, I got nothing to add.

Laga, I hope you can work this out and I'm sorry you have to deal. I have two brothers in law that bother me most of the time. One of them is a jackass. He is a bigot, homophone, racist and an all-around-general asshole. I do not respect his views but he is good to my sister. He loves her, respects her and takes care of her. He is sometimes a jerk to her family but he's never hurt her emotionally or physically. This does not make him an ideal husband. But he is around to stay whether I like it or not.

I don't expect him to understand my views or beliefs because he's narrow minded. He usually respects me and my family but not always. I have ways of dealing with him and have learned tricks to getting along with him. Enough so that I remain very close to my sister and don't let him get in the way of our relationship.

My other brother in law is a severe alcoholic. But again, he respects and loves my sister and doesn't hurt her in any way. I can usually get along with him but have to avoid him when he's drinking.

I understand that this guy drives you crazy and you probably hate his guts. But do what you can to preserve your relationship with your sister. She's your blood and will be there for you the rest of your life. If he doesn't end up being around for good then she will need you there.

I maintain that it is evil to tell someone there is no hope of them ever earning your respect. It's OK to disrespect someone, but if they come to you with an open heart and an open mind asking what they can do to make things right between you, "nothing" is not a valid answer.

but if they come to you with an open heart and an open mind asking what they can do to make things right between you, "nothing" is not a valid answer.

There's the rub. Not everyone has an open heart and open mind. Unfortunately, too many people have closed both of them.