What JZ said. The DH has opinions on things which are VERY different from mine, but why shouldn't they be? He is not me. The Asshat is not your sister and her being with him does not condone his opinions any more than me being with DH means I am now pro-death penalty.

One of the things my therapist drummed into me and which has served me well was that I had to let each person be in charge of their own relationship. In other words, how well my mother gets along with my DH or my brother or my BF gets along with someone we both know is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I have to let them work it out themselves and when it comes up, refuse to get involved. On the other side of this, I can't expect my brither, for example, to be responsible for my relatioship with his wife. I went through a period of really disliking my SiL, who was, IMO, horrible to my Bro and our whole family when he got sober. Her being a self-righteous pain wasn't his responsibility and she eventually thawed out.

I dunno. I think expressing negative opinions about your spouses family, that they haven't initiated is different. Mr. Jane does not like his dad. I am allowed to say, "Yeah, what he did there was really crappy." My dad screws up a lot. When it makes me cry, Mr. Jane is allowed to get upset about it.

If I'm in a fight with my mother and Mr. Jane says she's a terrible person and he doesn't respect her and that goes on past the fight? It's going to cause some huge issues, and he better keep it to his damn self.

However, we're pretty lucky in that all the family I get along with on my side he does. All the family on his side he gets along with I do too.

I think I'm worried that if I tell my sister how hurt I feel that she allowed her husband to dehumanize me she will tell me it will all be better if I accept his apology. I feel like he was at his most honest when he told us there was nothing I could do to gain his respect. I think his apology is all lies. I wish I could lift the veil from my sister's eyes.

edit: now Mom is saying we should wait. If we're patient asshate is bound to screw up again. So I'm back to trying to be in the same room with my sister without crying or kicking her.

Oh, and to clarify--I am talking about what my DH says to someone else or them to him. For example, if he says something which bothers a friend and she is upset, I will tell her that she has to talk to him about it. It took almost five years for him to work out a friendship with my BFF, but I think it would have taken longer if I had stepped in.

Laga, why does he have to respect you? I mean, he's a dick, he doesn't get who you are and that's totally his loss. His respect wouldn't mean much anyway, given that he clearly has a limited sensibility.

I've just never heard anyone say, "I will never respect you and there's nothing you can do to change that." That's a big leap from, "I don't like being around you when you're drunk." (which my Mom told my ex and I thought it was good of her to say so)

I think he has to respect me because I'm his family.

edit: Or at least give me an opening, you know? I didn't respect my other sister's husband but if he had asked me what he could do to change that I would have been able to tell him explicitly what was unacceptable about his behavior.

re-edit: but yeah for now I am not talking to him.

There's no magical right thing that you and your family can do to either make him not be a jerk or make your sister leave him. People are gonna do what they're gonna do, and sure we effect each other's behavior but trying to guess how is just crazy-making.

You need to do what's best for you. And if that's not being around him at all, do that. It's hard to believe that hiding your feelings from your sister is going to be what's best for you, but only you can figure that out.

{{{Laga}}} I'm sorry you have to deal with such an asshat.