I dunno. I think expressing negative opinions about your spouses family, that they haven't initiated is different. Mr. Jane does not like his dad. I am allowed to say, "Yeah, what he did there was really crappy." My dad screws up a lot. When it makes me cry, Mr. Jane is allowed to get upset about it.

If I'm in a fight with my mother and Mr. Jane says she's a terrible person and he doesn't respect her and that goes on past the fight? It's going to cause some huge issues, and he better keep it to his damn self.

However, we're pretty lucky in that all the family I get along with on my side he does. All the family on his side he gets along with I do too.

I think I'm worried that if I tell my sister how hurt I feel that she allowed her husband to dehumanize me she will tell me it will all be better if I accept his apology. I feel like he was at his most honest when he told us there was nothing I could do to gain his respect. I think his apology is all lies. I wish I could lift the veil from my sister's eyes.

edit: now Mom is saying we should wait. If we're patient asshate is bound to screw up again. So I'm back to trying to be in the same room with my sister without crying or kicking her.

Oh, and to clarify--I am talking about what my DH says to someone else or them to him. For example, if he says something which bothers a friend and she is upset, I will tell her that she has to talk to him about it. It took almost five years for him to work out a friendship with my BFF, but I think it would have taken longer if I had stepped in.

Laga, why does he have to respect you? I mean, he's a dick, he doesn't get who you are and that's totally his loss. His respect wouldn't mean much anyway, given that he clearly has a limited sensibility.

I've just never heard anyone say, "I will never respect you and there's nothing you can do to change that." That's a big leap from, "I don't like being around you when you're drunk." (which my Mom told my ex and I thought it was good of her to say so)

I think he has to respect me because I'm his family.

edit: Or at least give me an opening, you know? I didn't respect my other sister's husband but if he had asked me what he could do to change that I would have been able to tell him explicitly what was unacceptable about his behavior.

re-edit: but yeah for now I am not talking to him.

There's no magical right thing that you and your family can do to either make him not be a jerk or make your sister leave him. People are gonna do what they're gonna do, and sure we effect each other's behavior but trying to guess how is just crazy-making.

You need to do what's best for you. And if that's not being around him at all, do that. It's hard to believe that hiding your feelings from your sister is going to be what's best for you, but only you can figure that out.

{{{Laga}}} I'm sorry you have to deal with such an asshat.

It's hard to believe that hiding your feelings from your sister is going to be what's best for you

That's a very good point. I do think a cooling off period is a good idea for me right now. PMS might be a factor in how upset I am at the moment.

I think he has to respect me because I'm his family.

Laga, I wish that were so, but I have to disagree.

Your blood family doesn't even *have* to respect you just because of the shared DNA. Family may give each other the benefit of the doubt more easily, perhaps because of a long shared history that provides a context for actions/beliefs which might otherwise lead to a loss of respect.

But still -- if my mom, or my brother (who I adore more than almost anyone in this world) did something massively assheaded and insisted it was a commendable thing they did, and intended to keep doing it, I would feel no compunction to respect them for that, just because we share DNA.

Take one step further to in-laws, like your sister's asshat husband. Just because he married into your family doesn't mean he has to respect you. And I might add -- it goes both ways. It surely sounds to me like *he* is most definitely NOT deserving of *your* respect. I mean, just because he married into your family, are you saying that *you* ought to respect *him*?

Because I think your statement --

I think he has to respect me because I'm his family.

has to work both ways (i.e., if he has to respect *you* for no other reason than marrying into your family, then it's a little unfair of you to not adhere to the same criterion).

When it comes to family, respect isn't automatically granted no matter what the person's behavior. At least, not in my family. Maybe that makes us heartless beasts, but I don't think so.

I don't mean to come off as lecture-y -- you're in a really tough position, and it sucks, and I really feel for you. I just wanted to throw in my .02, as is my wont.