Laga, sorry I haven't been around to chime in. What everyone said is very wise.

I am so tired I could cry.

I think I have a stomach virus trying to take control. I had pretty severe GI difficulties all day, and strongly feel that really unpleasant not-well tension thing bunching up under my skin. I am giving a final exam tomorrow, and running an administration of the PSAT the day after that: I don't have time to be sick. Stop it, body!

Ad to this the fact that my new romantic desire, with whom I'm very much at the "More hanging out! More kissies! More, more, more!" early cute stage, is in the Hamptons working at a film festival all week, and I am not feeling super happy overall.

ETA: Think I'm going to declare tonight a bust and just go to bed. Wake up early and create my final - it's just copying and pasting from old quizzes anyway.

ETAA: Maybe you should do similar, Kristin? Though I guess it's REALLY early for bedtime for you.

Mom and Dad think I should send the letter to the asshat. I'm still uncertain as to why. For my part I'm just really sick of being stuck in this non-person limbo and I'd like to know if his apology negated it.

I think the reason it matters what the asshat thinks of me is because he's married to my sister and therefore she condones his opinions.

It's a fair question, Laga. He apologized to you, you can ask for clarification as to what that apology covers before you accept it or not. Whatever he answers, what you do with his answer will probably not be simple or easy but at least it will not be blindly trying to guess his thoughts.

I'm still on the fence but that is true- replying with a question does not constitute an acceptance of the apology.

I think the reason it matters what the asshat thinks of me is because he's married to my sister and therefore she condones his opinions.

I must note that Hec and I are one of (I presume) many married couples considerably happier than your sister and the asshat (I first typed "asshate," a fine Freudian typo for the person in question), but this by no means implies that either of us condones all of the other person's opinions, even of various family members.

Your sister's married to the asshate, and all that you can safely conclude from that is that she doesn't at this moment want to be un-married from him (or at least that her wanting hasn't hit the tipping point yet).

And please don't hesitate to tell me to stuff it if any of this sounds even for a second like I'm minimizing any of the sheer misery this is for you or any of your family.

tell me to stuff it

Not at all! It is really helping me to hear everyone's opinions. Right now I am leaning towards asking for clarification of the apology but I think before I do that I need to decide what I want to happen in the long run and whether answering his email will help.

celery...

this by no means implies that either of us condones all of the other person's opinions, even of various family members.

I assume that if your spouse said something really awful to one of your loved ones you would go out of your way to make sure your loved one knew that you did not support that position. Unfortunately I have had no such assurance from my sister. In fact she has implied that any troubles that happened while asshate was living with us were mostly my fault.

What JZ said. The DH has opinions on things which are VERY different from mine, but why shouldn't they be? He is not me. The Asshat is not your sister and her being with him does not condone his opinions any more than me being with DH means I am now pro-death penalty.

One of the things my therapist drummed into me and which has served me well was that I had to let each person be in charge of their own relationship. In other words, how well my mother gets along with my DH or my brother or my BF gets along with someone we both know is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I have to let them work it out themselves and when it comes up, refuse to get involved. On the other side of this, I can't expect my brither, for example, to be responsible for my relatioship with his wife. I went through a period of really disliking my SiL, who was, IMO, horrible to my Bro and our whole family when he got sober. Her being a self-righteous pain wasn't his responsibility and she eventually thawed out.