I think he has to respect me because I'm his family.

edit: Or at least give me an opening, you know? I didn't respect my other sister's husband but if he had asked me what he could do to change that I would have been able to tell him explicitly what was unacceptable about his behavior.

re-edit: but yeah for now I am not talking to him.

There's no magical right thing that you and your family can do to either make him not be a jerk or make your sister leave him. People are gonna do what they're gonna do, and sure we effect each other's behavior but trying to guess how is just crazy-making.

You need to do what's best for you. And if that's not being around him at all, do that. It's hard to believe that hiding your feelings from your sister is going to be what's best for you, but only you can figure that out.

{{{Laga}}} I'm sorry you have to deal with such an asshat.

It's hard to believe that hiding your feelings from your sister is going to be what's best for you

That's a very good point. I do think a cooling off period is a good idea for me right now. PMS might be a factor in how upset I am at the moment.

I think he has to respect me because I'm his family.

Laga, I wish that were so, but I have to disagree.

Your blood family doesn't even *have* to respect you just because of the shared DNA. Family may give each other the benefit of the doubt more easily, perhaps because of a long shared history that provides a context for actions/beliefs which might otherwise lead to a loss of respect.

But still -- if my mom, or my brother (who I adore more than almost anyone in this world) did something massively assheaded and insisted it was a commendable thing they did, and intended to keep doing it, I would feel no compunction to respect them for that, just because we share DNA.

Take one step further to in-laws, like your sister's asshat husband. Just because he married into your family doesn't mean he has to respect you. And I might add -- it goes both ways. It surely sounds to me like *he* is most definitely NOT deserving of *your* respect. I mean, just because he married into your family, are you saying that *you* ought to respect *him*?

Because I think your statement --

I think he has to respect me because I'm his family.

has to work both ways (i.e., if he has to respect *you* for no other reason than marrying into your family, then it's a little unfair of you to not adhere to the same criterion).

When it comes to family, respect isn't automatically granted no matter what the person's behavior. At least, not in my family. Maybe that makes us heartless beasts, but I don't think so.

I don't mean to come off as lecture-y -- you're in a really tough position, and it sucks, and I really feel for you. I just wanted to throw in my .02, as is my wont.

Cooling off is good. But it might be good to keep some regular contact with sister after that period, just so asshole does not succeed in cutting her off from entire family, isolating her, and really be in a position to become physically abusive.

Cooling off is good. But it might be good to keep some regular contact with sister after that period, just so asshole does not succeed in cutting her off from entire family, isolating her, and really be in a position to become physically abusive.

Very much this.

How worried should I be? Once she was in a relationship with another total sponge but during one argument he pushed her and she ended it right there. I feel like that is the one bit of assholery she would never tolerate. And when asshate thought he had lost Meg he turned to our sister-in-law for advice. (Turns out Suz's advice was what prompted the apology-writing-campaign.) I hope this is not the behavior of a victim or an abuser. On the other hand I sure don't want to risk it. On the third hand she has other people she can turn to. On the fourth hand she's not talking to any of us. Gha! I'm rambling when I should be working. Work sounds good. Right now I will do that.

I think he has to respect me because I'm his family.

There are members of my family that I don't honestly respect. All I have to do is be polite. If I am not that, there can be an issue. But so long as I am polite, that's really all that can be asked, I think.

I am sorry you are in such a rough situation, Laga.

{{{Laga}}} Much wisdom already poured out here, I got nothing to add.