YOu know, they could always call Lee Majors.

North Pole, Christmas Town:

Night has fallen at Christmas Town (yeah, yeah, this is the North Pole, but Elf Magic) and the Elves are ready. Massive walls of ice blocks have fortified the town and the toy factory is now an imposing keep. Elves wearing green armor and pointy green metal helmets line the top of the wall, ready with hastily manufactured swords and bows. They still have little bells and the pointy, curly toed shoes though.

In the distance there is a sound. La la la la la la la la la

Benny the elf turns to commander Sonny the elf. "That doesn't sound like orcs."

A column of little blue creatures wearing kilts, tartan sashes, and swords on their backs walks up to the gates of the ice fortress. Someone yells "open the gates" and the column of Warrior Smurfs marches into the walls of ice.

Commander Smurf address Sonny the elf. "We Smurfs know what it is to be oppressed by an evil wizard and we have come to help."

The Smurfs take up positions on the walls and wait, talking about the Smurfing they are going to lay on those Smurfing Orcs, and singing stupid Smurf songs.

In the distance spots of torchlight can be seen and the war durms of the Orc army echo like thunder. Also, it starts to rain for some reason. (yeah, yeah, this is the North Pole, but Elf Magic)

North Pole, general commentary:

If you're wondering if there is a story behind why Vinnie the Elf is the only Elf whose name doesn't end in 'y', the answer is yes. There is a story behind it, a great epic of our times, it wasn't just a stupid oversight of the writer, and no, I'm not going to talk about it.

Argh...frickin' Orcs...I just washed my car. I know it's very serious...deadly army, very scary, but just once, could they not pick my car?!

North Pole, Christmas Town:

Sonny the elf waits to give the command to fire to the archers. The mass of Orcs advances, they're numbers seem endless.

"Fire" yells Sonny the elf.

Arrows fly through the air and some Orcs fall. But let's face it, Christmas elves are more toy builders and less Orc ass kickers so it's not like the Orcs are just getting mowed down in waves. The Warrior Smurfs have swords rather than projectile weapons so they are still standing around talking about how they are going to open a Smurf of Smurf-ass once the Smurfing Orcs breach the walls.

Ladders are raised against the walls and Orcs start climbing onto the walls. A battering ram is broght to bear against the gate, guided by Orcs under a canopy of shields. The melee does not go well for the elves and smurfs, bad things happen to them, blue body parts, pointy ears, pointy clothing with bells, and whatnot flying everywhere.

"Retreat to the Keep!" A call is raised among the troops. The elves begin a withdrawl to the fortified toy factory. The Smurfs would too, but they are mostly just blue smears on Orc weapons and armor now.

Things are looking grim in Christmas Town. There would be a sad song from a snowman with a banjo, but the Orcs killed him too.

There would be a sad song from a snowman with a banjo, but the Orcs killed him too.

Oh, the snowmanity.

Oh, the snowmanity.

(cackle)

Brian stares out the window at the clear morning sky.

"A blue dawn. Blood will be shed tonight."

"What's that, hon?"

"I need some more coffee."

(snerklegigglecreakgasp)

North Pole, Christmas Toy, The Toy Factory:

Santa looks around at what remains of his battered force of elves. They look tired and scared, no longer convinced they are too cute to die. The sound of a battering ram pounding against the gates of the factory echos through the otherwise quiet building. The chain of elven command has been whittled away to Smokey the elf who is just looking at the gates and saying "Duuuuude, like we're going to die, dude".

Santa slumps into a chair says softly, "It looks like we'll have to cancel Christmas forever."

A red light grabs Santa's attention. Rudolf walks up and bumps his glowing orb into Santa's arm.

"What's that Rudolf? One last ride for the glory of Christmas?" Santa gets to his feet and grabs his red and white sword. "Yes! One last ride! Assemble the team!"

Elves help to quickly prepare Santa's sled and get the reindeer team prepared. A company of elves mount the reserve reindeer with lances and shields ready.

"Ready the gates!" Shouts Santa. Elves rush to the gates to prepare for the charge.

Santa shouts. "Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN! On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN! To the heart of the Melee! Til the last of us fall. Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

Santa lowers his sword. The gates are flung open and the elf lancers charge along with Santa's sliegh into the heart of the Orc Army.