Oh, the snowmanity.

(cackle)

Brian stares out the window at the clear morning sky.

"A blue dawn. Blood will be shed tonight."

"What's that, hon?"

"I need some more coffee."

(snerklegigglecreakgasp)

North Pole, Christmas Toy, The Toy Factory:

Santa looks around at what remains of his battered force of elves. They look tired and scared, no longer convinced they are too cute to die. The sound of a battering ram pounding against the gates of the factory echos through the otherwise quiet building. The chain of elven command has been whittled away to Smokey the elf who is just looking at the gates and saying "Duuuuude, like we're going to die, dude".

Santa slumps into a chair says softly, "It looks like we'll have to cancel Christmas forever."

A red light grabs Santa's attention. Rudolf walks up and bumps his glowing orb into Santa's arm.

"What's that Rudolf? One last ride for the glory of Christmas?" Santa gets to his feet and grabs his red and white sword. "Yes! One last ride! Assemble the team!"

Elves help to quickly prepare Santa's sled and get the reindeer team prepared. A company of elves mount the reserve reindeer with lances and shields ready.

"Ready the gates!" Shouts Santa. Elves rush to the gates to prepare for the charge.

Santa shouts. "Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN! On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN! To the heart of the Melee! Til the last of us fall. Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

Santa lowers his sword. The gates are flung open and the elf lancers charge along with Santa's sliegh into the heart of the Orc Army.

Oh, gods, and Santa's chant even scans.

"Phred? Did you feel that?"

"What, boss?"

"I dunno. I can't explain. It just had this feeling like we moved or something."

North Pole, Christmas Town:

At first Orcs fall to the lances of the elves and Santa's mighty sword, but the numbers are too great. Some of the elves begin to fall, and an Orc's flail wraps Santa's sword and pulls him from the sleigh. Santa discards the chain wrapped sword and whips out authentic reproductions of Legolas's knives (made as a gift for a Krav-loving resident of Sang Sacre) from his belt.

The elves and Santa are surrounded by the mass of elves. Many an Orc falls to mighty Santa-fu, but the numbers are too great. There can be only one end. The Orcs start yelling "Uk Ta!" which means "Victory is at hand and soon we will feast on the flesh of our foes maininated in a tasty lemon sauce with just a hint parsley for presentation purposes and feast on their brains sweetened with sugar and baked into pies for dessert!" in Orcish.

Suddenly the sun rises over a ridge in the South (yeah, yeah techincally everything is South that isn't very useful). Over the ridge steps a large white figure. It's the Easter Bunny!

From behind the Bunny swarms hundreds of smaller bunnies, launching themselves towards the Orc with nasty big pointy teeth bared. The Easter bunny hops along as well, lobbing exploding eggs into the Orc horde.

Santa and the elves raise a cheer and attack with new vigor. Santa slashes though Orcs yelling things like "Ho, ho, ho, yo bitch!". The bunnies hop into the Orcs and Orcs parts start flying. Also, some doves fly through some smoke.

The Orc army is routed and commence running away with great speed yelling "Uk Ta!" which translates into "Run Away! Run Away! The killer bunnies are killing us with their big nasty pointy teeth and we do not wish to be rabbit food!" in Orcish.

There is much rejoicing in Christmas Town. The elves start singing "We are Santa's elves..." etc.

Santa hands his knives to an elf. "Vacuum pack these and get them wrapped."

"But they are covered in Orc blood."

"That's why they need to be vacuum packed, keeps the blood fresh."

Santa heads back to the Toy Factory to get the operation moving again. "Time to get to work my friend." He says to the elf.

"But aren't you going to celebrate our victory Santa?" Asks the elf.

Santa sighs. "With great power comes great responsibility."

*bzzt bzzt bzzt bzzt bz--clunk*

mrglezrfm...

t three days ago...

"Hector! Where's my list marked 'Crap I Gotta Do'?"

"Which one, MM? There's a billion Post-Its all over marked that. Some of them are in ancient tongues...couple in, what is this? Binary?..."

"Ignore those."

"And one that's just a big circle and the words 'Ha Ha Ha' written over and over..."

"Yeah, ignore that one too."

"Still, boss...which one?"

"Ah, never mind..."

*bzzt bzzt bzzt bzz-clunk*

t two days ago...

"Hector, you ever have that feeling that you're forgetting something?"

"Sure. Sometimes it's my socks. Is it your socks?"

"Let me check. No."

"Well, if you can't remember it probably isn't that important."

"True. Still..."

*bzzt bzzt bzzt bzz--clunk*

t four days ago...

"Wish my pen hadn't run out. I must remember to do this."

"Do what, boss?"

"Hm?"

*bzzt bzzt bzzt bzz--clunk*

t five days ago...

"Look for me in the east, on the fifth day, at dawn."

"East? What are you talking about? This is the North Pole, son. Everything is south from here."

"Right, right. I knew that. But, uh...look. Look for me in that part of the south on the fifth day."

"At dawn."

"Right."

*bzzt bzzt bzzt --clunk*

"Mrfglesnorfplepplep...OH CRAP!!"

The door slams open. "What, boss? What?!"

"Hector! It's the fifth day! Santa's in trouble. I OVERSLEPT!"

"Aw, crap!"

"Okay, okay, so...all right. No need to rally the troops..."

"What troops?"

"A minor quibble, Hector, don't bother me. That damnable rabbit has pulled my ass out of the fire and don't think he's not going to pester me about that until I set things right for him someday..."

"Easter's not too far away."

"We can only hope some unspeakable evil has it in for Christian holidays mixed with pagan symbolism."

"Maybe some madman who wants to keep Easter pure?"

"Which way? No, never mind, it's too early to speculate. And we're off the subject. The point is, I told Santa I'd be there on the fifth day--"

"At dawn."

"I told Santa I'd be there on the fifth day AND I should put in an appearance. Did you get the horse?"

"Uh. Yeah..."

"And is he the finest horse bred by the Horse Lords evereverever?"

"Well, there's kinda a shortage, you understand, of Horse Lords around these parts..."

"What is this fine beast's name?"

"Crappyfax."

"What kind of a name...WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT?"

"Uh. Crappyfax."

"Why is he all smudged and blurry?"

"Well, you see..."

"I'm not even sure it's a horse..."

"It's kinda supposed to be a pun, MM..."

*blink* *blink*

"I don't get it."

*sigh* "It's not for you to get, MM."

"Whatever. Is he fast?"

"Oh, sure...he's fast. Just not very clear."

"I'll have to chance it."

"Well crap!" I comment as I watch my Orc army flee from a much smaller group of little white fluffy animals. "What are those things anyhow?"

"Could be bunnies sir." Says my assistant.

I take a look at the big bunny who ruined my plans. "What is that?"

"Easter bunny sir. Sort of the Santa Claus of Easter only with lesser gifts and candy."

"That bunny will have to die someday."

"Easter's not too far away."

"Yes, perfect. This bunny will die on the very day for which it was named. Good thinking Deimos."

"Thank you sir."

"Meanwhile we have work to do."

"Are we still going to destory Christmas sir?"

"Not this year. We're going to sell Christmas crap at a large markup and then clearance it out later. If you can't beat them, then profit from them."

"Oh, good idea sir."

I smack my minion. "Of course it's a good idea!"