North Pole, Christmas Town:
The elves are all gathered on the floor of the toy factory, ready for the big announcemnt. Rumors have been flying about an army poised to attack Christmas Town, but have mostly been dismissed as certain elves spending to much time in the toy painting room.
Santa steps up the the podium and taps the mic a couple of times. "I'm sure you've heard the rumors about an army of Orcs massing to the south. I'm afraid the rumors are true."
There is a collective gasp from the gathered mass of elves along with much tinkling of little bells.
"They are at least ten thousand strong and are expected to attack tonight. We have one day to prepare fortifications and make weapons to defend ourselves." Continues Santa.
One of the elves shouts out. "One Day?! How can we get ready in one day!?"
"This is Christmas Town we do the impossible in one night every year. We will be ready and we will prevail!"
There is cheering and the elves get busy. The toys are put aside and implements of war are constructed instead. Elves start constructing massive fortifications around Christmas Town at improbable speed while singing little Christmas elven ditties since Christmas elves don't really know any war songs.
Santa's assistant elf Danny overlooks the activity with Santa. "So big guy, you really think we're going to get through this."
"No, we're screwed. But we can't let Christmas die without a fight."
Danny shakes, making his little bells ring. "Is there anyone we can call for help."
"Who? The Easter Bunny, the Leprechauns, no we are alone."
"Can't we just give them all the Toys?"
Santa shakes his head slowly. "It isn't the Toys they're after. They're not going to stop until every elf is dead. Danny have Emily the elf gather all the women and little elves and move them into the ice caves under the factory."
"Could I ask Britney the elf instead, Emily is prickly and I don't think she'll coopoerate."
Santa walks off sadly. "Whatever."
YOu know, they could always call Lee Majors.
North Pole, Christmas Town:
Night has fallen at Christmas Town (yeah, yeah, this is the North Pole, but Elf Magic) and the Elves are ready. Massive walls of ice blocks have fortified the town and the toy factory is now an imposing keep. Elves wearing green armor and pointy green metal helmets line the top of the wall, ready with hastily manufactured swords and bows. They still have little bells and the pointy, curly toed shoes though.
In the distance there is a sound. La la la la la la la la la
Benny the elf turns to commander Sonny the elf. "That doesn't sound like orcs."
A column of little blue creatures wearing kilts, tartan sashes, and swords on their backs walks up to the gates of the ice fortress. Someone yells "open the gates" and the column of Warrior Smurfs marches into the walls of ice.
Commander Smurf address Sonny the elf. "We Smurfs know what it is to be oppressed by an evil wizard and we have come to help."
The Smurfs take up positions on the walls and wait, talking about the Smurfing they are going to lay on those Smurfing Orcs, and singing stupid Smurf songs.
In the distance spots of torchlight can be seen and the war durms of the Orc army echo like thunder. Also, it starts to rain for some reason. (yeah, yeah, this is the North Pole, but Elf Magic)
North Pole, general commentary:
If you're wondering if there is a story behind why Vinnie the Elf is the only Elf whose name doesn't end in 'y', the answer is yes. There is a story behind it, a great epic of our times, it wasn't just a stupid oversight of the writer, and no, I'm not going to talk about it.
Argh...frickin' Orcs...I just washed my car. I know it's very serious...deadly army, very scary, but just once, could they not pick my car?!
North Pole, Christmas Town:
Sonny the elf waits to give the command to fire to the archers. The mass of Orcs advances, they're numbers seem endless.
"Fire" yells Sonny the elf.
Arrows fly through the air and some Orcs fall. But let's face it, Christmas elves are more toy builders and less Orc ass kickers so it's not like the Orcs are just getting mowed down in waves. The Warrior Smurfs have swords rather than projectile weapons so they are still standing around talking about how they are going to open a Smurf of Smurf-ass once the Smurfing Orcs breach the walls.
Ladders are raised against the walls and Orcs start climbing onto the walls. A battering ram is broght to bear against the gate, guided by Orcs under a canopy of shields. The melee does not go well for the elves and smurfs, bad things happen to them, blue body parts, pointy ears, pointy clothing with bells, and whatnot flying everywhere.
"Retreat to the Keep!" A call is raised among the troops. The elves begin a withdrawl to the fortified toy factory. The Smurfs would too, but they are mostly just blue smears on Orc weapons and armor now.
Things are looking grim in Christmas Town. There would be a sad song from a snowman with a banjo, but the Orcs killed him too.
Brian stares out the window at the clear morning sky.
"A blue dawn. Blood will be shed tonight."
"What's that, hon?"
"I need some more coffee."
