My father, William Robert Taylor, "Bill" to all who knew him, passed away about an hour ago. I have been with him most of the past three weeks all day, every day, but he was such a private person that I am not surprised he waited until no one was in the room. I went to the beach near the hospital with Tina for 30 minutes to sit and remember and be near the ocean, and the nurse said he went just after we left. I came back and said goodbye and now am going to try to move forward. I am so glad his suffering is over but so filled with grief for the fact he will no longer be in my life. To honor him, pet a dog or help out someone without expecting anything in return. Or give someone a hard time. All of these would make him smile.

For anyone not on the Book of Face, here's a link to Dad's obituary.

If you tune into this radio show at 12:40 EST (EDT? whichever one we're in now), you will hear Dylan being interviewed as one of this year's winners of the Ernie DiMattia Emerging Young Artist award!

I have no news to share. But every time I read the thread header I hear Sam Jaffe's "Man, woman, birth, death, infinity" as the preface to every episode of Ben Casey. It's stuck in my brane like a popcorn hull between my teeth.

Had an appointment with Oncology (my main doc's NP) today. There's some evidence that I may have metastasized. Right now it's not definitely cancer, but it's not not cancer either. The CT I had in the hospital showed a "concerning" node on my peritoneum and enlarged lymph nodes. I'm supposed to have an appointment in the next 2-3 weeks with my Oncologist to discuss next steps. I have a PET scan scheduled, but not until May, so that will probably be moved up to get confirmation. Whatever it is, I'm trying to take comfort that it's caught pretty early, but I keep crying thinking of having to go through treatment again, especially considering the bladder and kidney issues I'm already having.

I thought I was getting better. I don't want to re-set the needle.

And in case that's not enough, my mammogram (a couple of weeks ago) showed something concerning so I also have to go in for a breast ultrasound.

So anyway, please send energy, prayers, ~ma my way. I'm at the lousy "not knowing" part and I'm feeling pretty rough.

PET scan this afternoon. Please continue to keep everything crossed for me!

Ultrasound follow-up of mammogram this afternoon. Again with the crossing of everything, please! Lots of "it's nothing" energy, s'il vous plait!

Your "it's nothing-ma" worked a treat! A couple of fluid-filled cysts that we'll be keeping an eye on, but not the disease that shall not be named! Though perhaps I should have asked for a little bit of speed on that -ma; the ultrasound tech left "for just a minute" to discuss findings with the dr. Then left me alone for...I don't know how long, at least 20-30 minutes, long enough for me to have an "I can't do breast cancer on top of everything else!" meltdown and discover that the room had no tissues. Who the hell has a room where they - however often - break it to people that they have cancer but doesn't have tissues in it?!?! Madness!!

Tomorrow at 11:30, meeting with the oncologist to find out what we're going to do about the *probably* cancer recurrence. Again with the ~ma, if you please!

So, still not 100% definite, but my oncologist is pretty sure it's a recurrence of the cancer. They're going to do a biopsy to get to 100% sure, but the odds are in cancer's favor. My doctor is thinking oral chemo rather than infusion, which is good. And possibly a clinical trial that targets a particular gene that my cancer exhibits. I'll know more after the biopsy.

And after really pinning my dr down for info, I came away with the understanding that I'm not likely to ever "beat cancer", I'm going to have disease-free intervals, interspersed with recurrences where we'll beat it back for a while.

I'm still processing.

There will be a memorial for Jacqueline Anne Zahas Smay

on Saturday, May 18th, from Noon to 4pm

at The Lodge on the 3rd Floor of the Regency Ballroom, 1290 Sutter Street (Corner of Sutter and Van Ness) San Francisco.  

>[link]

Food and drink will be served.

In honor of Jacqueline, please come dressed in splendid colors with all your peacock finery, in your own inimitable style.

In remembrance of Jacqueline, you are invited (though certainly not required) to tell a brief story about her.  We are deprived of Jacqueline in our future but her past is a trove of stories, and I don't know them all!  And that is unacceptable. 

So share your tales of her as a child, in high school, at college, traipsing around Norwich, drinking in Greece, bawdy at the RenFaire, online, at work, or however you may have known her.

If you plan on attending, please RSVP me at Hecubot@gmail.com or whatever direct messaging (FB, Text) is our common communication.

I need this for the headcount for the caterer, so please include the number of guest(s) that will be attending, and whether you're deathly allergic to monkfish or actively trying to free your glutens.