Soooo… Mom has bile duct cancer.

(If we could skip the Fuck Cancer thing I’d appreciate it - her dislike of profanity is profound.)

The cancer center where she lives was lazy and ineffectual, told her she was inoperable, Stage 4, and had less than a year… sorry old lady. Pulling teeth to get appointments for PET scan, nutritionist, pain specialist. Hell, if we ARE at palliative get those guys in here!

I kept pointing out I’m a hundred odd blocks from Memorial Sloan Kettering, why are we screwing around with these schmucks?

After a month of this nonsense, she came up, consulted with MSK, may be being being restaged, met with a surgeon, and started scheduling support appointments immediately.

So, the fight is on. I have a new roommate named Mommy and we’re going to save her life.

Jacqueline's oncologist at Cedar Sinai called us Monday to tell us he was stopping chemotherapy.

He thinks she's suffering damage to her liver, and the kidney issues she endured last week also suggest the chemotherapy and immune therapy are negatively affecting organ function.  

When I reported after our recent CT scan on July 20th, I relayed what our doctor said to us at the time. He said that things were "basically the same" (that is - the cancer was neither growing nor shrinking) although he was concerned that the trendline with the liver numbers were going up in a bad way.  At that point we were committed to continuing the clinical study treatments.

Last week Jacqueline had urinary retention issues (couldn't pee), and we had to go to Urgent Care and needed a saline infusion because she got so dehydrated during the week.  During last week she didn't eat for three days and could barely drink or take her medicine.  The issues with her right kidney resolved by Friday but she'd lost another three pounds she could ill afford and was very frail and gaunt.  She's down to 116 pounds. She was 152 when we started treatment in February.

While we were having these difficult issues last week, the radiologist who did the last CT scan posted his test results to her online chart. When I read them, I could see that our doctor's initial assessment had been overly rosy.  While many of the tumors were quiescent, the biggest lesion in her liver had grown 7mm (about a quarter inch) and more troubling were the proliferation of nodules to her lungs.  

Our doctor did not have the full report when he had talked to us, and at that time we all agreed to continue treatment.  But the combination of cancer growth and further spread to her lungs, her continued weight loss, the incessant vomiting and diarrhea events, the bloodwork indicators of liver damage and the kidney problem prompted his decision.

The best way to understand it is that the clinical study's immune therapy medicine starves the tumors over time. We've been taking those study meds for 16 weeks and if they were working then the tumors would be shrinking by now.  The tumors didn't shrink.  Nothing has made the tumors shrink, only slow them down. 

Also, Jacqueline has been receiving combination therapy. So she's been getting standard-of-care chemotherapy (FOLFIRI), which is very powerful, as well as a monoclonal antibody (Avastin) as well as the Study meds (RGX-202).  And that didn't stop her cancer from growing. And neither did the first chemo regimen we tried (FOLFOX).

We have been referred back to Jacqueline's oncologist at UCSF.  We have not talked to her yet, so we don't know what the plan is going forward.  

But her cancer treatment is over; there are no other options.  The next step is end-of-life palliative care. 

We have no sense of a timeline here.  It all feels very unreal.  But weighty.

We've told Matilda and Emmett and EM, and all of Jacqueline's family.  

Matilda is in therapy, and is dealing with it about as well as possible. She's depressed. She's sad. But she's functioning and focusing her love on Jacqueline.

Jacqueline is having a hard time processing it and is not really in a place to talk about it.  I would suggest giving her some time before you contact her.  Maybe let her reach out to you when she's ready.  (But please send cards! They are always welcome.)

We are in that strange place where we can see a tsunami of grief on the horizon, but it isn't here yet.  It is inevitable and inescapable, but we are still all here. She is with us. We can hold her and love her and talk to her.  But the wave is getting closer, and time will take her away.

It is daunting.

Over the near term though, we are looking forward to her recovering from the chemo treatments themselves.  She should be able to put on some weight, and go walking and be less foggy and tired.  We have missed her healthy self and it will be good to have time with her while her body is not under the constant assault of chemo.

It feels like exactly the wrong time, but also kind of exactly the right time...

I made a person.

Arthur Robert was bon this morning at 8:12am, weighing 8lbs 12oz.

He had a bit of a rough start, but is doing much better.

We are NOT YET posting on FB.

Arthur is going in for surgery in about 5 hours (unless a slot opens up sooner). Should be quick and easy, and, most of the time, fixes the problem more or less entirely.

Safe and well and home -ma would be appreciated.

Jacqueline passed at 1pm.

Matilda was with her.

We've put her in fancy clean pajamas and are awaiting the nurse to come and make the time of death official.

We'll have some time with her body before the mortuary comes to collect her.

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Jacqueline's Funeral Service
October 16th, 11am

St. Francis Lutheran Church
152 Church Street

(In the Castro across from Safeway. One block from the Church Street Muni stop.)

This will be a relatively short (less than an hour) religious service, to honor Jacqueline's life of faith and service, and acknowledge the spiritual nourishment she came to find at St. Francis Lutheran, as well as her long, deeply held affiliation with the parish of St. John of God.

It was important to her that we had a church marriage, and that Matilda was baptized and received communion. And I want to complete those rites with her.

I realize that 11am on a Monday is not convenient, and I apologize for that. It's the only time I could line up the church, the pastor, the organist and the reception hall.

This is not a memorial.  We will have a full memorial to celebrate Jacqueline's life in the spring of 2024 on what would have been our 20th anniversary.

All are welcome, but please RSVP if you think you will attend, because there will be a reception after with food, and I need to know how many mouths to feed.

Please share this information among your communities to reach people who might be interested.

One of the things that drew Jacqueline originally to St. Francis was that they continued live streaming their service after the pandemic lockdown.  This service will live streamed through YouTube if you can't attend.  

Their link is here: https://www.youtube.com/@stfrancislutheranchurch9919

Jacqueline particularly loved her pastor's sermon on Julian of Norwich which I'll share here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBFJ4XjTsgw

Many have asked about charities to donate to in Jacqueline's name.

She was an ardent supporter of Planned Parenthood if you're looking for something National.  Emily's List, ActBlue, The Trevor Project.

But I highly recommend you research for local charities that support at-risk Trans youth, immigrant rights and asylum and providing immediate economic aid for marginalized communities in danger of losing housing.  

Here's the link for the LiveSteam for Jacqueline's service at 11am PST.

It will be up on their YouTube channel thereafter so anybody can catch up with it later if they want.

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I realized earlier today that I've been very cavalier about upcoming scans and tests. I realized that I'm being so cavalier because I'm making an effort not to think about the fact that the doctors are concerned about my spine. I haven't been concerned because I've been assuming the pain is just my usual chronic tailbone issues. But I had the terrifying thought this morning, "What if it's not?" So I'd appreciate all the prayers, energy, and ~ma you can send for a lumbar puncture today, a PET scan on Monday, and (yet another) MRI next Friday. Thanks much.