erikaj: Considering that my mother used to tell me the kid-friendler parts of her crime fiction books, most of my costumes involved bath towels or plastic noses, but one year she and her friend paid somebody at school to make my friend and me Halloween costumes. My poor kid would probably end up wearing a sign that said "Shepherd". I think you can beat that, Susan.

Susan W. in Bitches on her daughter's desire to appear in a school Christmas Pageant as a Pirate, and accepting the compromise of Pirate-Shepherd:

I mentioned the "pirate shepherd" thing on another board and got the following response:

And there were in the same country pirate shepherds, abiding in the crow’s nest, keeping watch over their ship by night. And lo, the pirate angel of the Lord appeared before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they said, “Arrrrrrrrr!,” for they were sore afraid. And the pirate angel said unto them, “Avast me hearties! Fear not, for I bring ye tidings of great joy, which shall be to all: salty sea dogs and scallywags and wenches and bilge rats and landlubbers alike. For unto ye is born this day in yon City of David a savior, which is Christ the Lord.

I sent it to DH, and he responded with:

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly buccaneers appeared with the pirate angel, praising God and singing the sea shanty,

"Yo! Ho! Glory to God!

and on earth be peace on those he favors,

Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum!"

In Bitches:

-t: For those of you keeping score at home - the drainage for the washer is still not working, but plumber dude is pretty determined. He suspects a clog is thwarting us and he and his snake will not be denied.

By which I absolutely do not mean porn.

The Miracleborn show continues in Bitches (I'm just the set up):

KristinT:

Sorry, I edited and made you look crazy.

Aimée:

Nyah.

Miracleman:

You don't have to edit to make her look crazy.

(ducks and runs like the Hounds of Hell are on his heels)

Aimée:

(narrows eyes)

(buys two great danes)

(names them "Fuck" and "Off".)

Context, schmontext:

erikaj in Movies:

Or if nothing else, stigmata look like defensive wounds.

In Bitches, a new teaching technique, notable if for nothing better than the onamotapoeias:

KristinT -

I just realized that I've put a picture of a woman running a sword through a child on the front of the first exam these students have ever taken.

Oops.

MiracleMan -

No, no...not "oops". Let 'em think you did it on purpose. Not one of them will fuck with you, and every kid who gets above a C will feel like they just escaped certain death.

The only way you could improve on what you've inadvertently done would be to slaughter one of them right before the test and plant their head on a spike on your desk.

*Stabbity stab stab!* *SPLURCH! squeeky*

"Turn over your papers. You may begin."

Ginger speaks truth in Bitches:

there's something your parents have kept from you. Everyone sucks at being an adult. We all get the impression from our parents that there's some age at which we magically stop fucking up, because when we're little, adults seem so much more competent. In fact, they're all out there forgetting their visas, not taking their medicine, always paying late charges on their credit cards, making stupid impulse purchases and invading Iraq.

obscure holiday traditions explained:

Vortex: what's a yankee gift exchange?

Trudy: Everyone does steroids and buys each other pennants.

In Movies, discussing the Joker --

Polter-Cow: When you think about it, how dangerous could Nicholson's Joker really be, if he spent that much time on his makeup?

Matt the Bruins Fan: Says a man who has obviously never been confronted by a livid drag queen.

Ginger, in Bitches:

Want to guarantee I'll haunt you? Make a montage of my life using "Hallelujah."