Matt's no-good, very bad night:
I did my level best Lucy impression last night as I attempted to find the proper amount of bleach to turn the bright green socks I bought into something resembling the shirt they're going to be paired with. I learned:
(1) There is no amount of exposure to bleach brief enough to avoid stripping out too much of the blue dye.
(2) Vinegar is almost as effective as bleach at stripping out said dye. Again, no amount of exposure sufficiently brief for the desired effect.
(3) Despite several minutes of rinsing and wringing, cotton fabric remains saturated once it's been dipped in bleach and vinegar.
(4) Cotton fabric so saturated should never be dried in a microwave.
(5) After bleach/vinegar saturated fabric has burst into flame within the microwave, it gives off a choke-inducing yellow smoke.
(6) Said choke-inducing yellow smoke, while thick enough to cause wooziness and teary eyes within three breaths of exposure, somehow avoids setting off a smoke alarm that won't let me cook bacon in peace.
(7) When shouldering open a stuck kitchen door to the deck for fresh air while clad solely in boxers, it would be wise to make sure it's not 35° outside said door.
(8) Likewise, during same activity, it would be best to avoid performing it with such force that one ends up spread eagled before the now-open door as one's neighbors are returning from the night shift.
(9) When picking oneself up off the floor after such a pratfall, one should be grateful for the aforementioned 35° temperature, which... minimizes... any breaches of decorum that might result from the sudden realization that one has chosen the pair of boxers with no fly button for the night's endeavor.
My worries about the neighbor's and landlord's negative reaction when I announce my departure for an apartment in Memphis have suddenly been allayed.