Variously, in Bitches:

BHP: I really wish that there could be precisely one rule, and it would be Don't Be A Jerk.

PMM: You do not come into someone's house, piss on the carpet, and say "well, you should have a yellow carpet so it blends in."

billytea and Am-Chau in Natter:

I thought people might like to know that in Bhutan, today is the Day of Nine Evils. Let's be careful out there.

How many of the Nine Evils do you have to collect to get into Special Hell? And can Buffistas get a bulk-buy deal on them?

Nutty in Dude, where's my Precious on LotR: (Spoilery for changes to novel canon)

I'm completely cool with the Faramir changes. If I were a cop, and I randomly met a short person who was carrying around an Uzi, would I automatically trust that this short person was, in fact, the right person to carry this Uzi, and in fact was only carrying it because he was on his way to the smeltery to remake the Uzi into a pencil-holder?

Even if I'd recently had a dream about short people with weapons, I would still confiscate the Uzi and arrest the short person, because Uzis are dangerous and people often lie. Especially about Uzis and where that person happened to be going with said Uzi.

I give Movie!Faramir points for not being a dummy.

Betsy Hanes Perry in Natter in response to the 'news' that lesbian actress Portia de Rossi used to be married (and thus isn't a proper postergirl for dykedom):

There's a weird double standard going on here. [in the press, not among you guys].

If a gay person does marry (e.g. Elton John, Rock Hudson), we say "Beard!", and it doesn't make the person any less gay.

But if a gay woman used to be married to a guy, she loses punches from her Lesbian Card? (Or, in de Rossi's case, her Annoying Lesbian Card?) Can't he just have been her merkin?

Extra points for use of the word 'merkin'.

In Dude, Where's my precious? (though to be honest I'm not sure why):

Billytea:

"Look, Brozzie, hobbits are a protected species. You can't just go trying to kill one because you think it took your cow. ...Tell you what, I know a guy who might be able to relocate them to Mordor. I'll give him a call. But in the meantime, you leave 'em alone, you hear?"

Fay

Oh, man. Priceless. That's where I've seen him before.

signed - Girl Who Loves Steve Irwin Beyond All Reason.

Billytea:

I'm pretty certain that, once you have the first half of that statement, the second half is fully redundant.

Edited because I can both spell and use quick-edit. Really.

Jess:

I just opened up my bag of Doritos, and there are only, like, three chips in here.

Since the bag says "packed by weight" I'm going to assume they're radioactive chips, and therefore will not eat them.

billytea:

Send it to NASA! Dark matter's been packaged in chip bags and retails for $2.69 a pound! They'll be so relieved someone found it.

Nutty:

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said, "Visualize Grilled Cheese". At which point, I realized that people who make bumper stickers really do have that much time on their hands.

In Firefly:

Scrappy: A car in front of me ont he freeway today had a bumper sticker which read "What would Serenity do?" I think it's probably some sort of buddhist take off on all the WWJD stuff, but I was hoping it was a Firefly reference.

Anne W.: Interesting, Scrappy. I don't think, however, that Buddha would advise kicking people into afterburners as a viable way of getting them off your back.

Susan W, in TTT:

I now have a Boromir action figure to help Spike guard my workstation. Mmm...sexy and conflicted plastic goodness.