(blinking)

Nova, not sure if it's you or me, but it's coming up on my machine (chapter one) as incredibly horizontal: a very looooong line that goes well beyond the width of my screen. I'm assuming it's a browser issue.

One thing jumped out, a typo you might want to fix pronto:

She fell prostate, sobbing,

ProstRATE. Not prostate.

Will try this again, and see if I can get the text to wrap.

edit: nope, I give up. It appears that my browser is reading this as a single long line that stretches on forever.

Formatting suggestions? I'd like to read it, but can't, not set up this way.

Wow, thanks Deb. Amazingly, I had prostrate first and "corrected" it backwards.

I'll see if I can't hard wrap the chapter for you, most browsers would wrap it but if it doesn't...

ETA: fixed it. It should be more readable now. Sorry 'bout that.

IE isn't wrapping it, either. I've seen this problem before with .txt files, but I forgot what the fix is.

I just made them into html files. Probably a good plan, anyway, as Fic is typically published online. =)

ETA: the problem with the text file was almost certainly caused by my computer being a Mac, and your Windows machine getting confused by the different style of line breaks.

There we go. Readable now. Thanks, Nova.

It's a very promising beginning, in terms of story. How deep an edit were you looking for, and would you rather wait until there's more of it to wortk with?

If you have any hints about writing style, now would be a good time for them, before I dig myself too deep. I'm not looking for typo-style editing yet, that can certainly wait for more writing to be done, but if something feels wrong to you, tell me now.

If it's too early to tell that sort of thing yet, that's fine, I'll go ahead and write some more (though probably not right this second).

And thanks.

(on goes the editorial cap)

Well, you're doing several things very right indeed, including getting us directly into the headspace and situation of your primary character. This is a good thing, a very good thing. Tara is there, she's real, she's vivid, her concerns are real and, importantly, they're true to the character and recognisably Tara's.

Now:

As I've said before at tedious length and bored other people blind in the repetition of, I'm a huge fan - both as a writer and as a reader - of the "show, don't tell" school of writing. But finding the line between description being a tell rather than a show can be tricky stuff. There's a lot of what I consider 'telling by way of description' in the second chapter - I mean, I now know basically every inch of the apartment layout. Thing is, you began by telling us that she herself was too shocked to take it in or care, but the reader is being given the layout, not through her eyes, but through yours as the storyteller.

So, if the minibar separating the rooms and the rest of the layout is going to be important to the story farther down the line - and I understand it may very well be - can you show it to me, the reader, through Tara's eyes, and not your own? That way, I'm being shown through the character, rather than being told by the narrator. It does happen to writers (I have to guard against the same tendency, which is why I'm so aware of it and so fast to jump on it) as part and parcel with telling the reader more than is needed. Here's an example:

Deciding that nothing behind the door could be as bad as the memories she had already faced, she turned the knob and pushed open the door

Do we need to know, for any reason, that she turned the knob? Because if not, it's extraneous verbiage and is easily assumed by the fact that she pushed the door open. Translation: you're telling us. Don't. Show us instead.

Really, the only other bit is a cosmetic thing, a question of watching your flow for clarity. Here's an example:

Suddenly realizing that she was extremely thirsty, she cautiously walked to the kitchen, found a glass in one of the cabinets, and poured herself several glasses, until her thirst was satisfied.

She found a glass (singular) and poured herself several glasses? No, she didn't - she refilled the single glass several times.

Anything that breaks the reader's flow and makes them go "whuzza?" needs to be looked at. That image, of a dozen glasses full of water side by side on the counter, broke my flow.

(/editorial cap)

Cool. Thanks. That's exactly the kind of stuff I needed. I'll revise soon.

You are, in fact, awesome.

(curtseys and simpers)

Seriously, I'm always afraid I'm being too sharp when I'm wearing that cap, and as a writer and editor, I wear it rather often.

Because, you see, a really indecently high proportion of writers - including some well-established ones - are lying through their teeth when they say they want genuine feedback. Since I personally happen to thrive on genuine feedback, I'm usually quite pleased to offer it. It's always a shock when the woman with her third or fourth book turns chilly on you, because you actually pointed out things that wanted fixing, rather than rhapsodising.

It's a long, twisty road, editing is. And writing is even twistier.

It's a long, twisty road, editing is. And writing is even twistier.

What am I getting into? (shakes head despairingly)

Oh, right. Creation of art, etc.