If you have any hints about writing style, now would be a good time for them, before I dig myself too deep. I'm not looking for typo-style editing yet, that can certainly wait for more writing to be done, but if something feels wrong to you, tell me now.

If it's too early to tell that sort of thing yet, that's fine, I'll go ahead and write some more (though probably not right this second).

And thanks.

(on goes the editorial cap)

Well, you're doing several things very right indeed, including getting us directly into the headspace and situation of your primary character. This is a good thing, a very good thing. Tara is there, she's real, she's vivid, her concerns are real and, importantly, they're true to the character and recognisably Tara's.

Now:

As I've said before at tedious length and bored other people blind in the repetition of, I'm a huge fan - both as a writer and as a reader - of the "show, don't tell" school of writing. But finding the line between description being a tell rather than a show can be tricky stuff. There's a lot of what I consider 'telling by way of description' in the second chapter - I mean, I now know basically every inch of the apartment layout. Thing is, you began by telling us that she herself was too shocked to take it in or care, but the reader is being given the layout, not through her eyes, but through yours as the storyteller.

So, if the minibar separating the rooms and the rest of the layout is going to be important to the story farther down the line - and I understand it may very well be - can you show it to me, the reader, through Tara's eyes, and not your own? That way, I'm being shown through the character, rather than being told by the narrator. It does happen to writers (I have to guard against the same tendency, which is why I'm so aware of it and so fast to jump on it) as part and parcel with telling the reader more than is needed. Here's an example:

Deciding that nothing behind the door could be as bad as the memories she had already faced, she turned the knob and pushed open the door

Do we need to know, for any reason, that she turned the knob? Because if not, it's extraneous verbiage and is easily assumed by the fact that she pushed the door open. Translation: you're telling us. Don't. Show us instead.

Really, the only other bit is a cosmetic thing, a question of watching your flow for clarity. Here's an example:

Suddenly realizing that she was extremely thirsty, she cautiously walked to the kitchen, found a glass in one of the cabinets, and poured herself several glasses, until her thirst was satisfied.

She found a glass (singular) and poured herself several glasses? No, she didn't - she refilled the single glass several times.

Anything that breaks the reader's flow and makes them go "whuzza?" needs to be looked at. That image, of a dozen glasses full of water side by side on the counter, broke my flow.

(/editorial cap)

Cool. Thanks. That's exactly the kind of stuff I needed. I'll revise soon.

You are, in fact, awesome.

(curtseys and simpers)

Seriously, I'm always afraid I'm being too sharp when I'm wearing that cap, and as a writer and editor, I wear it rather often.

Because, you see, a really indecently high proportion of writers - including some well-established ones - are lying through their teeth when they say they want genuine feedback. Since I personally happen to thrive on genuine feedback, I'm usually quite pleased to offer it. It's always a shock when the woman with her third or fourth book turns chilly on you, because you actually pointed out things that wanted fixing, rather than rhapsodising.

It's a long, twisty road, editing is. And writing is even twistier.

It's a long, twisty road, editing is. And writing is even twistier.

What am I getting into? (shakes head despairingly)

Oh, right. Creation of art, etc.

Creation of art, etc.

I'm satisfied being a very good storyteller, personally; there's something quite wonderful to me in the bardic tradition of "once upon a time", be it song or fiction or poetry. A story is a gorgeous thing to tell.

Fic is a good way to keep in touch with it, so as I don't get lost in my own dialogue and metaphors.

Fic's a wonderful way to keep in touch with it, because it keeps the writer honest. I can't suddenly make Buffy an expert on the Courts of Love, or make Xander a superb drummer - the canon imposes certain disciplines.

Hmmm. Does it matter that I never make any mention of what Tara is wearing when she leaves the apartment, or when she wakes up for that matter? Or is that something that's acceptable to leave to the audience to envision?

Also, I edited chapter 2, hopefully it's better now than it was. You didn't seem to have much to say about chapter 1, so I left it pretty much as it was before.

Well, I didn't notice that you hadn't described it, and my brain supplied its own image. So, I think it's fine. Is her clothing necessary to the plot, does it advance the story? Mind you, it's perfectly fine to describe it if you'd like; the trick is avoiding describing too many things, and too deeply. There's that whole "trusting your readers" thing, and I do apply that to all writing, fic, original fiction or otherwise.

You may be too young to have ever seen the Beatles second movie, "Help!" There's a scene in there with Victor Spinetti and Roy Kinnear, who are trying to blow up Ringo to get the One True Ring (no, not that one - different One True Ring entirely). They're standing two feet apart, with walkie talkies, and have rigged up a bomb that looks like a curling stone. Kinnear is simultaneously carrying the bomb and reporting back to Spinetti, his boss, via walkie talkie - and the joke is that Spinetti is standing right there, exasperated.

Kinnear (crackle, sputter): "I am moving my right foot - over (sputter crackle) I am moving my left foot - over..."

I think of "every single action-object-thought is described minutely" writing as "I am moving my right foot" writing. It's something I try to avoid doing, and something I preach against strenuously.

Will go back and reread your edits in a bit, or, more realistically, in the morning - it's past midnight and we've only just got home. Kitten-tending in San Jose, and its 55 miles each way...