is there still too much tagging in your opinion?

In the early part, it's quite thick with heavy-tags. Make more of them transparant, and you'll be okay, I think-- it's not easy with so many people in the scene.

Thanks. I'll wait to post the next sections until I've prettied these up. What's the protocol with re-posting fixed stuff, in a long piece of fiction. Should I just link to my LJ for the already posted (but fixed) sections, and only put new stuff in here?

If I feel like my dialogue is getting tag-heavy, I'll sometimes use a brief action descriptor in place of the tag. Something like this:

Buffy held the necklace up to the light. "This looks familiar."

I also think that "asked," "replied," "whispered," "murmured," and a few others are nearly as transparent as "said," but I'm not sure how many Official Writing Experts would agree with me.

I'd either edit the original posts, or link to my LJ. Reposting the whole lot for text edits seems a bit extreme.

Susan, one of the things the essay linked to above does is agree with you on that point. 'asked' 'answered' 'replied', etc.

Yeah, I think. I get off easily in my crossover cause the "Homicide" squad calls each other by name all the time.Makes my "job" easier. And I almost never use anything but 'said'...my last writing teacher said it gave him hives, otherwise. Far be it for me to give a guy hives.Now it's ingrained. Although, like I said, if I read the "titian-haired detective" one more time, I'm not responsible. Kay is NOT Nancy Drew. OK? But what do I know? I'm a woman caught between two fandoms.

Cindy, I'm loving it. This is what I had with what I've read so far. Do you want me to finish? Or should I shut up and leave you alone, and just read for fun? 'Cause I will if you say so.

Two men leading, with two women following about 20 feet behind, walk toward a 12'x12', dimly lit office. In it is a battered pine desk, which is stained a dark and depressing walnut hue, a similar chair, with a torn green vinyl seat cushion, to boot. There is also an old-style, heavy black rotary phone, a metal waste basket, and a coffee mug that now has(with) something growing in it.

Your Giles voice is spot-on. But I think your Buffy voice is a little off. She's still using teenager code-speak, and it's her teenager codespeak, so it hasn't incorporated current teen slang. It's still the way she, Xander and Willow have always talked among themselves. Your Buffy is sounding a bit too adult and articulate, IMO. Actually? This bit right here:

What say you? Shall we give them a hand? A backhand? What's the problem, guys? Your severe case of cranky pants is harshing my mellow."

sounds like Deb!

Her back to Dawn, Kennedy watches the sunset. "I just don't understand it at all. Vamps, demons, gypsies, tramps and thieves - fine, I get them. But magicks give me the willies."

If you leave out the word "gypsies," the line has a great enough resonance to call up the lyric, and I think would work better. "Demons, vamps and thieves." And would Kennedy say "magicks" even after spending some time with Willow, I think she'd still be thinking--and saying--"magic."

Hee! on the whole "William - willies - wiggins" thing!

all because she went to some crack, excuse me, magicks dealer

"all because she went to some crack--excuse me--magics dealer", I think.

Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Giles enter room 119 of the Twilight Time Motel. Buffy and Willow sit on the first of the two double beds, Buffy's. Dawn spots the books Giles is clutching and says, "Neat. Did you pack them in the school bus before the battle?"

"Um...yes, Dawn, I... what you..." stammers Giles. He continues on to the closet on the far side of the room, puts them on the upper shelf, and shuts the door.

Giles walks towards the tacky orange vinyl padded chair. Kennedy and Dawn lie on their tummies, sideways - across Dawn's bed, chins propped on folded hands. Xander leans against the dresser.

Too much detail--this reads like stage directions. We don't have to see it the way you do, as long as we get the jist--"Buffy and Willow sit together on one of the beds", "Giles puts the books on the shelf in the closet before subsiding (or, "then sits in") into the tacky orange vinyl chair", "Kennedy and Dawn, crosswise on the other bed, survey (whom or whatever), chins propped on their hands. Xander, too (tense, keyed-up, uncomfortable sharing bedspace with whomever) to sit, leans against the dresser."

"No," shouts Giles, but Buffy raises her eyebrows and Kennedy complies. As she starts around Dawn's bed toward Buffy, a pile of jewelry appears with a metallic-sounding tinkle, just next to Xander's right hand.

"I'm freaked," states Kennedy, who'd (who has, or who's) been silent a very long time, "what's the story on the jewelry? What is it?"

"Xander, you can talk about the necklace. Let's bring that book and this necklace inside. Dry your - your cheek (face.tears.). We're going to take care of this."

I'm loving this, a lot. It's exactly the sort of adventure they'd be off on, next.

If I feel like my dialogue is getting tag-heavy, I'll sometimes use a brief action descriptor in place of the tag. Something like this: Buffy held the necklace up to the light. "This looks familiar."

Yes! This.this.this. It's showing, not telling, providing action and movement, illuminating your character and attributing the lines all at the same time. Multitasking, yay!

More:

"Wait a whoa! Where did those books come from(?)" asks Xander.

"Gee. Since Council HQ went splodey, Giles, don't ya think ya might be mistaken(?)" says Willow.

"Cow(?)" asks Giles, voice rising.

"Talking to yourself, Wes(?)" interrupts Angel.

"That's how I feel. I think it was(need dash or elipsis here to indicate unfinished sentence/thought)." Angel hesitates, begins to speak again, then doesn't.

"Something like that. Anyhow, how do you like this set-up(?)" asked Angel, appearing relieved.

"Well other than fighting the most recent of a long line of apocalypse attempts, she was," his voice trails off for a moment; then he continues with a slight scowl, "Apparently, Buffy - she's half-baked."

Punctuation issues. Should read: "Well other than fighting the most recent of a long line of apocalypse attempts, she was..." his voice trails off for a moment; then he continues with a slight scowl. "Apparently, Buffy - she's half-baked." And that's not even addressing the -- vs. the space - space dash.

All, I think, punctuation. Still with the content-loving.

Beverly - don't you dare shut up. This is great. Thank you. Ack - the damned question marks! I can never remember if they're okay, when a sentence continues after the quote closes. We are temporarily without ms Word (long story), so I think I'll just incorporate all these changes here (as well as the tag issues Am and Dana caught earlier). Thank you. I'm glad you like the story.

Dry your - your cheek (face.tears.)

I had cheek on purpose, knowing it was off. In-my-head, Willow wants to say eyes, feels self-conscious, and so says cheek. I'll have to look at it again.

What say you? Shall we give them a hand? A backhand? What's the problem, guys? Your severe case of cranky pants is harshing my mellow."

How is this: What do ya say, Wil? Should we give them a hand? Oooh, how about a backhand? Guys, your crankies are contagious.

"That's how I feel. I think it was(need dash or elipsis here to indicate unfinished sentence/thought)." Angel hesitates, begins to speak again, then doesn't.

I wanted Angel to say, "I think it was," as a complete sentence that made no sense in the context of the conversation. I'm thinking now that is a hard thing to get across. It's just going to look like an error. I'll add an ellipsis. Thank you.

I'd take up the whole thread thanking you for each comment. Instead, I'm just going to go to work. Thank you, again.

How is this: What do ya say, Wil? Should we give them a hand? Oooh, how about a backhand? Guys, your crankies are contagious.

Much more in character. I do like the cranky pants, though. Maybe they're contagious?

Okay, not shutting up. I'll not if you'll not.

Am-Chau -- it's RosenbErg, not bUrg, and no American has ever referred to "the high street" unless they mean the block the NORML offices are on.