Beverly - don't you dare shut up. This is great. Thank you. Ack - the damned question marks! I can never remember if they're okay, when a sentence continues after the quote closes. We are temporarily without ms Word (long story), so I think I'll just incorporate all these changes here (as well as the tag issues Am and Dana caught earlier). Thank you. I'm glad you like the story.

Dry your - your cheek (face.tears.)

I had cheek on purpose, knowing it was off. In-my-head, Willow wants to say eyes, feels self-conscious, and so says cheek. I'll have to look at it again.

What say you? Shall we give them a hand? A backhand? What's the problem, guys? Your severe case of cranky pants is harshing my mellow."

How is this: What do ya say, Wil? Should we give them a hand? Oooh, how about a backhand? Guys, your crankies are contagious.

"That's how I feel. I think it was(need dash or elipsis here to indicate unfinished sentence/thought)." Angel hesitates, begins to speak again, then doesn't.

I wanted Angel to say, "I think it was," as a complete sentence that made no sense in the context of the conversation. I'm thinking now that is a hard thing to get across. It's just going to look like an error. I'll add an ellipsis. Thank you.

I'd take up the whole thread thanking you for each comment. Instead, I'm just going to go to work. Thank you, again.

How is this: What do ya say, Wil? Should we give them a hand? Oooh, how about a backhand? Guys, your crankies are contagious.

Much more in character. I do like the cranky pants, though. Maybe they're contagious?

Okay, not shutting up. I'll not if you'll not.

Am-Chau -- it's RosenbErg, not bUrg, and no American has ever referred to "the high street" unless they mean the block the NORML offices are on.

BWAH! "Main' street or "cross street" are USAian ways to say that, I think.

Am-Chau -- it's RosenbErg, not bUrg, and no American has ever referred to "the high street" unless they mean the block the NORML offices are on.

Thanks for those catches, Michele. I think all the reading I'm doing about one M. Rosenbaum may have confused me when it came to type Rosenberg (I'm doing research. Clear pictures are very important). And thanks, erika-- "main street" it will be.

Much more in character. I do like the cranky pants, though. Maybe they're contagious?

I did, too. Was it more the "shall we" stuff that sounded more like Deb to you, than like Buffy? Did you feel the 'harshing my mellow' was out of character, too real-world slangy?

Okay, not shutting up. I'll not if you'll not.

Do I ever?

Seriously, I'm brand new at this. This story has been lying dead for months, largely because I became really unhappy with the execution. This morning, Dana and Am hit on a lot of the things that were bothering me. You've found things I can't believe I missed. I need the feedback.

Well, "harshing my mellow" is practically trademark Deb--and iconic of the late 60s--early 70s, so not so much a phrase Buffy would use, unless quoting someone. And the "shall we" didn't sound like her at all, to me.

Buffy might say "killing my buzz' or something.

EVIL!

You people are EVIL!

OK. Let's see if I can possibly do all of it in one shot, and remember, with a screaming wahammo headache.

I have the fantasy crossover in my head, where it turns out Luther Mahoney is actually a vampire. But I'm never going to write it, because Luther Mahoney was better written and better portrayed than any other TV villain in history, and I don't mess with perfection.

(thunk) Oh, look. erika is trying to slay me. Again. Sweetie, yes to both sides, but could you write his creepy sister as a totally screwed-up, incompetent vamp who can't control Luther's drug empire, once he's gone?

"One question first—you're the son of Lionel Luthor, the evil business guy?"

Bwah!

And people who had their asthma and their hair removed in freak meteor showers?"

Bwah twice!

enemys

"enemies", if that hasn't been fixed yet.

Cindy, I love that.

Bitchy Boys Do Vegas

Still snickering.

more:

re "harshing my mellow", I actually sort of can see Buffy using it, just because it's something her mama would totally say it. I can see her using it, being out of character, puzzling over it a moment, realising where she got it from, remembering Joyce.

Re what Dana says about the dialogue tags, I don't think "said" is transparent; if used too much, it pulls me completely away and I put the the thing down entirely and walk away from it. The basic thing for me is that, if there are two people in a scene, there's no need for "said" or anything else. The response is implicit - why designate who says it, when there's only one person who can?

In a multi-character scene, I tend to go for making the responses clear to the reader as part of the scene itself, which I think is what Dana is talking about (I've never read any of these books on writing, so I can't speak to that).

Oh, and I NEVER use "shall", except ironically.